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AIBU?

why is it assumed, because im a mother, I dont work?? (outside home)

128 replies

BarbieLovesKen · 01/03/2007 17:01

am so so so sick of this, what year is it??

for instance, last Sunday dp and I were out at a dinner party, type thing.. we met a couple there for the first time, lovely, lovely people.. they had their dds there and we had dd with us. Anyway, we all got chatting and dp asked what they (BOTH) did for a living, then in return, they both asked dp what he did for a living and listened with interest when he explained, I sat there, all smiles, and they moved on.... NOONE asked what I did... I took from this that it was assumed that because I had a little girl I didn?t work.

I was really insulted! Im not being overly sensitive, it wasn?t a once off, this is such a regular occurrence......

My job is just as interesting, paid, conversation-worthy as dps... so why is he ALWAYS asked what he does while I just sit there, smiling, proud, like a dutiful little wife?? Is this just the way things are????????? AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHH

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yellowrose · 02/03/2007 15:18

Some girls love Barbie and pink fluffy stuff until they are 20, others don't. I think it is the same with make up.

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Jalexdra · 02/03/2007 16:57

I think that it is not so much what they do eg wear make up, but WHY they are doing it. I don't want my daughter or any woman to feel she needs to do something to impress a man.

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yellowrose · 02/03/2007 17:10

Good point. Often women dress or wear make up to impress their female friends or colleagues though, not men. For teenagers it can be peer pressure. I know when I was a teenager I felt I had to dress up to go to school, because all the other girls wore designer clothes/shoes. It can make a teenage girl feel good about herself and give her lots of self confidence. It isn't always done to pick up a boyfriend, it certainly wasn't for me or any of my close friends. We were so not interested in boys until our 20's when we went to uni.

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Judy1234 · 02/03/2007 17:24

School uniform helps remove that pressure. They need to have enough internal self worth that they don't define themselves just by their looks but without looking so rough no one would employ or marry them in a month of Sundays.

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yellowrose · 02/03/2007 17:31

Oh, Xenia, darling, so true to form !

My international school (based on mainland Europe) didn't have a school uniform, on some days I wish it had. It was a right bugger thinking about what to wear the next day. Depends on the girl. My self-worth always came from being top of the class, not from my lipstick !

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Belgianchocolatesmama · 02/03/2007 17:31

Do school uniforms really take that pressure of though? Coming from a country where school uniforms are not comon, I find that there seems to be more peer pressure on how you look here in the UK. Individuality was quite appreciated where I came from, people with designer clothes quite happily mingled with us plebs that wore the cheapo versions. As far as I can tell that's still the case. There's also less pressure on teenagers to wear make up and I remember being 17 and coming to England and being amazed that virtually all girls wore make up, while with us only a handful did.

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yellowrose · 02/03/2007 17:36

Belgian, I spent years on mainland Europe and still travel to Italy quite a lot. British women wear the least make up in Europe. You would never see a French or Italian working in a corporate environment wearing zero make up. But you do in the City of London.

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Belgianchocolatesmama · 02/03/2007 17:57

I was talking about teenagers, though. I think I had lots of make up at a fairly young age in my mind.
I do know that in Belgium, we dress up to go everywhere. You wouldn't spot many women doing the grocery shopping in track suit bottoms and football T-shirt, while were I live here there's quite a few of them. But when I talk dressing up, I do not mean designer clothes, just smart, even if it comes from the local super market.

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yellowrose · 02/03/2007 18:06

Belgian, I think you may be right about our teenagers wearing more make up. Sorry, I thought you were talking about British women in general.

Yes, it is possible to dress well on a budget. You are right.

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Belgianchocolatesmama · 02/03/2007 18:07

That's OK Yellowrose. No need to apologise.

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Blondilocks · 02/03/2007 18:11

It used to really annoy me when we visited some of ex-OH's relatives & they'd speak to him for ages & ages about him being a pilot but wouldn't even ask me how my job is, like mine was really insignificant, even though I could end up earning more than him & have a much more varied career & they knew what I did but it was more the fact they didn't seem to care whether I was getting on ok or whether I'd been sacked or whatever!

Sorry rant over.

I tend to bring what I do into the conversation these days.

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crunchie · 02/03/2007 18:16

well I just reply, my hubands an actor, so I guess that means he is 'resting' which means I have a 'proper' job

Actually on the fair division of labour I am pissed right off tonight, dh is 'resting' or being a sahd to 2 kids who are at school all day. He said he would do the shoppng today - did he fuck!! The house is a mess and shag all has been done. I am REALLY PISSED OFF!!

I will have t go shopping tomorrow (he can't he is working) and do some housework - don't ask me to leave it, I have been doing that all week (and all last week too) he is bloody well in teh shagging dog house tonight!!

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Judy1234 · 02/03/2007 18:22

cr, no STOP. Lydia order.
Most supermarkets are open to 9 or 10 and many to midnight. What is stopping him going out now to do the shopping? If you do it you're condoning and rewarding his behaviour.

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Judy1234 · 02/03/2007 18:23

Xenia order that was...
Women all over the UK complain but then do the job concerned and that's why things don't change. Don't tidy up either, Live with them ess tomorrow evne if you have to go out all day to avoid it and then he can tidy it up tomorrow night after work.

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Blondilocks · 02/03/2007 18:38

I don't really understand the mother being work part.

I work & I happen to have a child. Don't consider the childcare aspect to be a job.

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Jalexdra · 02/03/2007 19:13

Crunchie, just buy food for you and the children not for him. Don't clear away any of his mess and don't do any of his washing, just do your own. He will get the message.

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Jalexdra · 02/03/2007 19:16

Blondilocks, it is not work, more of a vocation IMO. That is not to say it can't be as physically and mentally tiring as work but it is definately different IME.

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oranges · 02/03/2007 19:16

can I wander in to say hello crunchie. We are having pizza and wine at ours tonight again if you want to sod the shopping and come over.

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crunchie · 02/03/2007 19:23

xenia Ahh but as soon as he gets home I am off out for a piss up with the girls

I am not condoning his actions, I am really really pissed off with him, BUT I want my drink

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yellowrose · 02/03/2007 19:24

I also say to dh I am going to do certain things round the house, which I either then can't be bothered to do or don't have time to do. Men are just as human as we are !

If he neglected ds, then that would be very different.

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crunchie · 02/03/2007 19:25

Hi oramges

You are right, he won't be getting a decent dinner tomorrow night, thats for sure. He can do the housework on Sunday Or Monday when I am at work

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Judy1234 · 02/03/2007 20:19

Have him order it on line for delivery tomorrow then and pay the £5 fee and make sure it's delivered when he's in so he puts it away.

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BarbieLovesKen · 02/03/2007 20:42

my picture was in the paper last week for something work related.. I met a woman in local shop who said she seen it but was suprised that I am still working since having dd...(she looked at me with disgust) and tryed to laugh the awkardness of with "ah, money mad! money mad!".. dps picture was in the paper a month ago for something work related and the only comments he received were how he looked great and well done etc......Having read the last few posts, my confidence has been restored somewhat that we're not completely doomed - everyone here seems to have the same thoughts - that men should do as much at home as women... and a womans job is just as important as a mans.. I was really beginning to think "wtf?!" to all this backward, old fashion thinking (I must be running into the wrong people...)

What I would still love to know is why do some disregard a mother having a career? my cousin is coming to the end of her maternity leave and is preparing to go back to work .. ive just been speaking to her.. she said that she is already in receipt of comments and horrified looks when she says shes going back soon... why? no one gave her husband a second thought while he continues to work ... and to be honest, not to put down his job atall - he is an excellent worker but she is a bank manager and he owns a pub (which as we know does not have a reliable or consistant income) therefore she is the main "breadwinner" yet, it is almost a taboo or she is made feel somewhat shameful to speak about her career post baby... theres probably no answer as to why... I think its a no brainer but.. I dont know... its very frustrating

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Judy1234 · 02/03/2007 21:28

It must depend on the people you work and live with though. I genuinely don't know many women I've worked with who have chosen not to go back to work. My sister works. Perhaps it just depends which bit of the country you live in or the local area or expectations of family and friends. I think London is packed with professional couples who both work such that it's a bit weird if someone chooses to stay at home.

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Judy1234 · 02/03/2007 21:29

Also that person who commented to you, I think when people make those comments if it's appropriate it's best to say something back. Like don't you know children are better off if both parents work, I can send you the sruvey if you like. Or did you really not work, how strange? Or it's nothing to do with money, it's about what is best for children and parents.

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