to feel shocked at this

[Areasonablegal]

Been to midwife apt today and she asked how i was feeling. Im heavily pregnant with an 18m old and am not getting any sleep (no exaggeration - cant get comfortable as im so big and also have horrific heartburn). My dh and i do nothing but argue and i have no family support - either my own or in-laws. Infact my inlaws are a-holes so make life quite hard.

So, i got a bit upset because im tired, uncomfortable and have no support and a rocky relationship.

Im extremely worried about the birth of this dc as i have some bad physical issues following birth of dc1 and am so worried that there will be complications in this birth - and even more issues for me post-birth than i have already.

Midwife seemed very concerned and has referred me to my gp to log that i am depressed. She has also referred me to a healthy minds clinic to talk through my feelings and has refd me to see a consultant re birth options.

The gp and healthy minds referrals have knocked me for 6. I dont consider myself depressed although i do feel shit. Im worried they will think i have some kind of pregnancy related depression and that it will put me on some kind of watch list when dc2 is born.

Im happy to be pregnant. Im just exhausted and feeling the stress of the total lack of support from mine/oh families plus birth worries.

I dont want anyone to think i am dangerous to myself of my dc or the dc2 when born. I love my dc and love dc2 too - im just bricking it over the birth!

Its really thrown me that she thinks im very depressed and has made these referrals. - ive got to call her after each appointment and she wants to see me weekly now too to keep an eye on me.

I feel like a bit of a headcase because i dont think im depressed and dont want this monitoring.

I appreciate the concern but am worried that when dc2 is born, hvs etc will basically think i cant cope and will be watching me all the time.

Its not a bad thing at all to be referred. Your team want you to be well and to able to care for your children. Its about helping not labelling or judging.

Ah this seems familiar OP

I had pre natal depression (there is apparently such a thing) with a DD and was put on ADs ,, However I must have felt something as I stopped upon reading it is unconfirmed if they affect pregnancies . .Trouble was it was a double whammy when she was born , , borderline psychosis. However, I got there, I got better and no , ,no records were kept , no SW visited, only the local mental health clinic for a while .
Take up all their offers OP , even if its just for them to tick boxes,, , you will get support there too,

Best of luck

I appreciate the concern but am worried that when dc2 is born, hvs etc will basically think i cant cope and will be watching me all the time.

It absolutely DOESN'T mean this at all. I was refered in this same way when pregnant with my first. I didn't think I was depressed either until I got in a councellors office two days later and just pretty much collapsed in front of her.

What it meant for me practically was: extra support through councelling, medication when I needed it, extra midwife appts during pregnancy and a priority visit from the HV afterwards. It was never suggested that I couldn't cope, no one ever mentioned checking on me. They didn't snoop around my home or inspect my fridge. They simply asked me questions, made sure I was happy, responding to treatment and coping and left me too it.

With my second child I had one extra consultants appointment during my pregnancy and I was flagged as high risk. Nothing else extra was done as I had no depression during that pregnancy.

Honestly it isn't a bad thing and it won't make bad things happen I promise. Take the support you need so you can enjoy your baby.

I never had a social worker visit btw. Literally they just made sure the HV got out asap after I was signed off from the midwife and she kept an eye on me until they were happy I was ok. I was then left with various numbers to call for help if I needed it.

Pregnancy is tougher for some. My last pregnancy was awful from start to finish. Pain constantly, sickness, swelling...in the last 2.5 months of pregnancy I basically lived in my dressing gown with a bottle of Gavison in each pocket. Preeclampsia. Induced birth. Blood pressure meds for five months post birth.

I had no support system. Relationship with babies father ended six weeks into pregnancy. I also had two other children to care for. (both on autistic spectrum)

I was offered exactly the same as you have been. Only I didn't take the help. In hindsight, I should of. I needed it.

Accept the help.

To be honest it sounds like you may have needed a good old fashioned rant to a friend and chose to do it to your midwife.

I do not mean this harshly but you do have to be very wary around professionals and what you say to them - they have a nasty tendency to over react. They are not your friends!

Be honest with yourself - do you actually think you might be depressed or was this just a bit of letting off steam? If the former then take the advice she suggested.

If not then what I would do is the next time you see her explain that what you should have said is you feel a bit isolated and could she suggest some places you could go to chat to other mums and have those 'rants'. Apologise that you may have misled her and let her think this was much more serious than it is. You had had a bad day and were basically letting off steam and you realise she was not the best person to do that with.

If this is the case then nip this in the bud quickly - do not attend the GP etc. Being worried and tired and emotional does not mean you have depression.

But be honest with yourself as to what is actually going on in your life first - everyone needs a bit of help every so often and there is no shame in admitting you have MH issues and there is no judgement on your ability to care for your children. But also you do not want to go down that road if you just need a bit of company and emotional support.

Give yourself 24hrs to think about it before you do anything - try and clarify a bit in your own mind about how you are actually feeling and then make a decision about what you need to do.

Sorry, meant to add...also had home visit assessment from SS. No further action needed.

It will not flag you up to SS unless you've been involved with them before. And even when it is flagged up it's just noticed unless they raise additional safeguarding concerns.

It's viewed as a positive that you are engaging with services rather than a negative.

If you're worried about being 'flagged up' the advice above about not attending, saying there's nothing wrong and 'nipping it in the bud' is possibly the worst you could follow.

Being referred for PND is no big deal, but refusing to engage with services after concerns have been raised would be a big red flag.

i think I remember you posted last week

well thanks FUCK someone is looking out for you OP

if you are the lady with a shitty husband, shitty in laws and a uncaring family, you really do need a helping hand

good on the midwife , and please get some help

I agree with Bill the advice not to attend the GP is poor advice and likely to cause you more problems than attending. If you were just fed up that day then you can have that conversation with the GP and say you were knackered and fed up of the heartburn etc. On the other hand, if you can feel yourself slipping into a low mood then grab all the support you can.

Been to midwife apt today and she asked how i was feeling. Im heavily pregnant with an 18m old and am not getting any sleep

If you've been pregnant for 18 months then I'm not surprised that you aren't getting any sleep!

Seriously though, accept the help that is offered as it's intended to make things easier for you,

Had a similar appointment during my second pregnancy. First child was in monster toddler mode, father in law was extremely unwell, husband was trying to be both ends of the country at once, I felt physically awful and we were superskint. I was monitored for depression too. There might well be a little note for the health visitors to be aware that you're feeling a bit low, but they are not about to send in the cavalry to whisk your children off you.

Just wanted to say, OP, that my dd had a pretty horrendous first birth, with after effects, so we were all dreading the arrival of no. 2, in case it was the same.
However he just popped out in a couple of hours start to finish, with not even a tear.

I do hope you will be as lucky, and that your worries will be needless.

Given the way mental health is viewed and the low priority it's given in this country I think you should count yourself fortunate that your midwife is able to refer you for support and that she is doing so.

You sound as if you could really do with the support they are offering you. It's no reflection on you as a parent and doesn't imply that you can't cope.

I do not mean this harshly but you do have to be very wary around professionals and what you say to them - they have a nasty tendency to over react. They are not your friends! what??
I could NOT disagree more! And skipping the GP appointment??
What do you mean "if you dont think you are depressed?" This is not something you can diagnose yourself!

These people are professionals and they have the toold to help. What kind of advice is that? Ranting to a friend is not the solution to a problem.

No wonder we have to hide in shame when we have MH issues, if this is the view of some people

Do not take Sundance's advice. Very poor, and an irresponsible post.

The midwife is taking your issues seriously and is referring you to the very places and people who will be able to offer you the help and support you need.

Trust the professionals. They have seen it all before and are experienced at dealing with it. They aren't out to put you on a watch list or take over your children.

So good to see that a complete stranger on MN is able to diagnose what the OP's needs are Sundance.

Bloody midwives, what do they know with their tendency to over react.

Thank you all so much. My gp apppintment is today and ive been dreading it.

I will ignore sundance as i think it would cause me more problems. If i am honest, i need a bit of support.

Stopfuckimgshouting...yep, its me!

Thank you all for making me feel ok about this

Sundance, I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt that you are projecting from a bad personal experience. But please consider the implications of posting such potentially detrimental advice.

Op glad to hear you are feeling more ok about this. Well done for taking the first steps.

Well done OP

Haven't rtft sorry

I have a ten day old baby and 18 month toddler. Relationship is shit. H is being vile. I'm knackered. I do have support from mum and Mil. I could desperately do with talking to someone. I am very tearful and I think it is really down to the relationship. But I'd like to unravel how I'm feeling. I think they are trying to help, take all the help you can get.

I'm seeing the mw later and will have to try not to sob at her.

Maybe you need to 'sob' at the mw Nottalotta. Might be the best way to get some support; sounds like you could do with some.

It's a shame more women aren't offered referrals for this sort of help.

Don't put up with things and try to put a brave face on it. Sometimes just a bit of help and support can make a huge difference.

So glad you're going to GP.

I had PND after my second was born: first was a toddler and was doing my head in, second had health issues so I was in-&-out of hospital all the time and I had some other stuff leftover from years before that I'd never dealt with. My depression manifested itself in lots of ways but the scariest was the awful, violent thoughts I had towards my toddler during high-stress moments (not to mention the accompanying guilt afterwards!). I was terrified to tell anyone for the reasons you mention but, for obvious reasons, equally terrified not to.

What happened was that I had wonderful support from my HV and GP; I was put on meds and started on CBT immediately, which was amazing. Because of the nature of my thoughts I was referred to Children's Services but it was explained at every turn that this was a duty of care necessity and that I had nothing to worry about. They had to do a home visit and I bricked it that day, especially when the eldest crashed into a metal fence and gave himself a black eye an hour before they were due! But the CS visitor was lovely: listened to me explain things, had a quick peek around the house (SOP) and left telling me that they had no worries about me. The key thing was; I engaged with them when I knew I needed help and that put their mind at rest. I checked regarding my having a 'record' (I was thinking of school and things) and was told that the only time it would ever (rightly) come up again was if my son started appearing at A & E regularly under dodgy circs.

Moral is: take the help. Especially if you're offered counselling. I don't know what is offered round your way but here I was priority referred to a service called iTalk because I had a child under one. I have friends who've been referred and never heard back because they're so swamped. Once your kids are older you may not be able to get that help even if you need it! Best of luck.

Hi all

Been to GP who was lovely and very reassuring. He wants me to go back in 2 weeks for a chat to see how i am doing. Got a consultant appointment to discuss birth options later this week which i am really pleased about. Going to drop in to Healthy Minds next week but gp explained its very informal and relaxed.

Actually feeling quite happy i spoke to mw today. Dont feel as worried or alone

Thanks everyone x x