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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed that nobody will hold my EBF baby just got a few minutes before telling me he is hungry and handing him back?

23 replies

shakerattleandrollerblade · 21/02/2017 11:45

He's 6 months and this has been happening his whole life. I have another DC too (3yo), and a work from home job.

My DH and my dparents just will not give me a break from having him constantly attached to me. Like all babies he cries for many reasons: frustration, over-tiredness, discomfort, boredom. Sometimes he just likes being walked around being held by someone. But I seem to have a family (and various friends) who think every little squeak he makes means he's hungry and pass him back to me for BF. They don't think to play with him, give him something to hold, carry him around or talk to him.

Is it me or do people do this when you BF? My DH certainly uses my EBF as an excuse to do absolutely nothing for DS (he is better with DD.) he has never even changed DS' nappy. now I have started to wean it has become more noticeable as my parents and DH are still telling me to BF when DS cries. They are saying they would help if they could, but all he wants is me. That is just not true.

I am so tired so maybe this is not coming out correctly or sounds uncharitable of me. Can anyone relate?

OP posts:

Bringmewineandcake · 21/02/2017 11:53

No....my family must be the exact opposite in that they always insist DD2 can't need "another" feed.
And your DH not changing nappies is rubbish too.
When they try to pass him back, smile at baby, say "don't be silly of course he's not hungry" and walk away. Put the kettle on, do some washing, check your phone whatever. You might get some PA comments but they'll have to learn to entertain him themselves.

ArcheryAnnie · 21/02/2017 11:56

If he's six months, and your family absolutely insist he's hungry, then they can give him a baby ricecake!

Otherwise, just say no, he's not hungry, just check his nappy and change him if necessary, or just play with him a bit. If they try to hand him over, just have something else in your hands and say "I'll be with you in a bit" then walk away!

DavidPuddy · 21/02/2017 11:57

I didn't have this, I'm afraid. I was always the lead when interpreting baby's needs.

I second the above advice. Just neutrally contradict them and suggest what you think he needs.

ArcheryAnnie · 21/02/2017 12:00

Oh, and the person you need to do this with most, OP, is your DH! Don't take the baby back when he tries to hand him over! Just walk away! Pretend you need the loo (and take a book/your phone in there) if you have to!

Introvertedbuthappy · 21/02/2017 12:00

Sounds like it's just a shit excuse to not help you out tbh. How has your DH not changed a nappy in 6 months?! That's appalling. When I was EBF DH did most baths, nappy changes etc precisely because I did all the constant feeding. He also took him out in the sling in the evening after work.

You really need to speak to DH about this. At 6 months old every cry does not mean 'feed me'!

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 21/02/2017 12:01

Hand baby over to DH for nappy change.
Once baby is fed and rested, get out of the house for a break.
I am sorry you have to do that, yes I felt like a single parent sometimes and I had to be firm with DH.

GahBuggerit · 21/02/2017 12:05

I doubt its anything at all to do with BF and just people being a bit "eeeeek!!!" when up against a tomato red faced wailing angry small person. If you weren't BF it would be "he needs a bottle"/Mummy/cuddle etc

Just sounds like your family don't offer much support and would happen regardless.

MatildaTheCat · 21/02/2017 12:06

I think the only solution is to put some distance between you. Could you feed him and give him his solids then ask dh or dp to take him out for a walk for an hour or two or go out yourself.

By six months YANBU at all to need a small amount of space. Time, too to sort oh the nappy changing. I bet it goes way beyond this. Does dh actually do anything with him at all?

PatriciaHolm · 21/02/2017 12:10

Your DH is opting for an easy life. He's perfectly capable of changing a nappy. Don't let him pass him back next time.

harderandharder2breathe · 21/02/2017 12:13

Your DH is a twat if he really hasn't changed a nappy in six months

You need to say firmly "no he's not hungry he just needs x y z" and hand him back to DH and your parents if they're supposed to be helping you. Friends are harder as they may not be comfortable with a crying baby, but if they want to help, tell them what to do

Parker231 · 21/02/2017 12:20

Why hasn't he changed a nappy? Sounds like you need to get some backbone. what happens when you go out, does he leave the baby in a dirty nappy?

user1486737884 · 21/02/2017 12:21

I'll come and hold him, (massively missing cuddles, have 15 year old)

I'm sorry you are so tired and people are being useless, your dh really needs to sort himself out.

WhispersOnTheWind · 21/02/2017 12:26

It's a hard judgment call to make, seen so many threads where mums of ebf babies accuse visitors of holding onto the baby too long when the fussing starts and if they do try to distract/entertain him or check his nappy are accused of deliberately distressing him by not giving him back to the mum quickly enough. "Can't you see he needs feeding?"

Now we have this: don't hold the baby long enough and you're accused of not being helpful enough. It's like walking barefoot over broken glass through a minefield. OP, maybe you could just say "it's ok, he's not ready for a feed, would you mind checking his nappy/walking him about/play with his toys" rather than expecting people to read your/baby's mind.
Your DH on the other hand has no excuse, he definitely needs a swift motivating kick up the bum. It's his baby too.

MusicToMyEars800 · 21/02/2017 12:28

if I was given a 6month old baby to hold the parents would have a struggle getting him back lol, I love holding babies my 2 are 5 and 7 now so not so small and cuddly anymore , I think it's a pathetic excuse trying to use the fact that you BF to get out of doing things for the baby, I BF both my dds and my OH still did nappy changes and helped with bath times etc and did feeding when they were being weaned. I guess some people just aren't comfortable with other peoples babies. I feel for you OP I hope you get a break for yourself soon, tell you DH to pull his finger out!

Verticalvenetianblinds · 21/02/2017 12:32

I had this in my family, as well as 'put him on a bottle, it'll be easier' by 6 months I was happier knowing I was empty and he was full, esp during the day so I would dump leave him with anyone I could to have a shower, poo in peace etc etc. But his cousin, similar age was bottle fed and every time he squeaked he was fed or given a dummy. Now he's a proper little dumpling! He was definitely over fed but that's what worked for them.
Just give your boobs a squeeze and say 'not hungry coz I'm empty' their not gonna query that!

Rachel0Greep · 21/02/2017 12:35

Oh I love babies, would love to be handed one to cuddle. I know that's no help. Sounds like your husband definitely needs to step up. As pp suggested, next time he tries to hand the baby back, say no, try playing or whatever.

Flanderspigeonmurderer · 21/02/2017 12:36

It's a tricky one. If I was holding a baby I didn't know that well and couldn't get them to stop crying then I would assume giving back to mum/dad would be best. There's no excuse for your husband though, to not even have changed a nappy is incredibly lazy. Plus it's reasonable for him to know his own child's temperament and normal routine by now. By six months both my husband and I knew the difference between our son being hungry or being tired.
My parents used to strap my son in the high chair and give him food every time he got grouchy. It did piss me off a bit as he wasn't hungry just tired but I supposed they were only trying to help.

RhiWrites · 21/02/2017 12:39

Well it's your baby. I do think your husband is being crap but maybe your other friends and family don't want to hold a screaming baby.

Hand him to your husband and say "he doesn't want a feed, he needs entertaining, can you do it please".

2014newme · 21/02/2017 12:41

Go out. Get a break. Leave baby behind with dh. enjoy seeing a film, having lunch, going shopping or to a museum or whatever you want. You don't need to be permanently attached to baby. Tell dh you will be out for the afternoon Saturday. Then don't fuss, just go.

SukeyTakeItOffAgain · 21/02/2017 12:43

Well this makes a change from the constant MN threads from mums who are offended when people want to hold or look at or speak to their babies I guess...

Your husband sounds rather useless. Just say firmly "You do it" and walk away?

kali110 · 21/02/2017 12:49

I don't think People can win.
You see threads on here with moms complaining that family keep hold of their babies when they're crying
I would try to placate a crying baby, but i would give it back to mom or dad yes because i would assume they would know what to do, or would want their crying child back.
Your problem isn't with your family and friends but with your dh!
Why hasn't he changed a nappy?
He is the one who should be giving you a break op! He's the other parent.
It shoukdn't be left all on you.
Tell your dp you need a break! This isn't fair.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 21/02/2017 12:53

Your DH should be able to calm him if he doesn't need a feed but most family and friends don't want a crying baby nor is it their responsibility.

AcrossthePond55 · 21/02/2017 13:54

I'll happily cuddle your baby until you beg me to hand him back! There haven't been any babies in my 'world' for nearly 5 years!

One thing to remember is that people don't like to hold a crying baby. It can make them feel that they are 'letting' baby be upset or that it's 'their fault' baby is crying. So it's not that they don't want to hold the baby, it's that they think they are the thing that is upsetting it!

It may also be that, because you are the primary 'holder', that now your baby won't truly settle with anyone else. It's been 6 months, but look back to 'early days'. It's very easy as a new mum to be an unconscious 'snatcher' who grabs the baby off anyone the minute they cry because we want to think that we are the 'only one' that can take 'the right' care of our baby. It's a natural feeling as a new mum. I was very lucky in that the women in my family 'circle the wagons' when one of us has a baby and we learn that although we are the most important person, that 'it takes a village' works with babies, too.

Anyway, you definitely need to talk to your DH and figure out what is 'problem' is, be it fear, insecurity, laziness, or 'gender roles'. Not much you can do about your parents or anyone else, other than to have a frank talk with them, tell them that if the baby cries you are OK if they try to soothe him/her. And ask directly for more non-holding time when they're about.

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