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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be so stressed by this situation

52 replies

dontpushmybuttons · 21/02/2017 09:23

Nearly 6 months ago my sister moved into my two bed apartment with me, and it started off well but then started to go downhill. Initially for the first couple of months I was doing everything - cleaning, tidying, cooking etc. She'd put on a wash but leave the clothes in the machine for days on end so they'd smell, leave her clothes in huge piles everywhere, so I'd end up putting them away - little irritants like that.

We agreed that she would pay £550 plus half of the quarterly gas and electric bill.

The problems started when she started taking my things (mainly shoes and clothes) without asking. I asked her a couple of times to please not do it and would either be met with "Fine OK, I won't do it again", or depending on her mood she would completely go OTT and start telling me to not be a bitch/so uptight etc. and that if I just let her do it, we wouldn't have to argue.

This went on for a few months and in between me paying more than her, me buying all the food shopping, me working two jobs, and her constantly having dramas I snapped and told her that her behaviour was really pissing me off, I was stressed and fed up and that if she's not just capable of respecting one thing I ask of her (not taking my things), I want her out.

She got really difficult and told me she wouldn't be moving out, she'd go when it suited her, and that if this was the way I was going to be, she would make my life as difficult as "I was making hers".

After that things settled down a bit, until she started wearing my things again. Between this other things happened - constant little dramas that aren't huge but the type of thing I just don't want to be living with every day. E.g. Her getting PG for the third time after not using contraception, again. She ended up in hospital with a MC for three days and I was the one who was there with her, stayed at the hospital until the small hours and then had to go to work on two hours sleep. At that time she didn't tell me she was PG, she told me she was in hospital because she had caught an STI. Other little things like her claiming she can't afford to buy us any food shopping but constantly getting taxis and going to the pub, going clothes shopping etc. are getting me down and starting to make me feel like she's just taking the piss.

She's paid rent late a couple of times and also took it upon herself to give me £50 less than what we agreed one month. When I asked her why she said because she doesn't feel she's getting a fair deal and that she knows I "don't need the money".

Another time she lost her purse while out on the piss so couldn't pay me.

I'm just feeling so fed up with the situation.

We had another talk and I told her that I'm not happy with the arrangement anymore and that because I'd like her to leave ASAP, she doesn't have to pay me rent while she looks for another place. It's been a month since then and she's still going to the pub and I also found a receipt for £98 from her clothes shop, so she's obviously now taking advantage of the fact that she's now got a place to live for free.

AIB utterly OTT here or would I be within my rights to tell her that she's got 4 weeks to move out or I'm just going to bag up her stuff and leave it outside? I'm so stressed ATM and just not happy at all.

OP posts:
TinklyLittleLaugh · 21/02/2017 10:26

Do you own your place or rent it? If you rent then moving out yourself might honestly be the simplest, least messy solution.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 21/02/2017 10:30

fuck that! she needs telling, but I would reframe it

I don't want to live with someone that doesn't respect me
I don't want to live with someone that takes me for granted
I don't want to live with someone that doesn't appreciate me
I don't want to live with somone that I cant even communicate this with

please, I think you would be happier with anither flatmate . 1 month

NoSquirrels · 21/02/2017 10:34

If your family is really close, then you need to get someone to advocate on your behalf.

Your sister should move out. Fuck being responsible for her life - she is older than you and equally as capable of sorting herself out, and enabling her bad behaviour is the worst thing you can do in the long run.

Don't change the locks, or chuck her out, but insist she looks for somewhere else to live - go with her to see them if necessary - and if you can afford it then I would personally put down a deposit somewhere to have her out. Or ask your DPs to give you the deposit money to put down for her?

Don't be a doormat. You've told her you expect her to move out, so now you need to start making steps to have this happen, rather than seething over her clothes receipts. You'll have a better relationship in the long run.

Advertise her room to get a new lodger. Start showing people round, with a date she'll have moved out...

SundialShadow · 21/02/2017 10:36

How is she ever going to learn that this sort of behaviour is unacceptable if she is allowed to continue with it?

4 weeks written notice is more than fair given her antics.
If she does not leave, pack up her stuff and change the locks.

CalmItKermitt · 21/02/2017 10:39

She IS a bad person! Sling her out!!

SanitysSake · 21/02/2017 10:40

I like Tinky's suggestion.

If you're renting, put in two months notice and get out. You might have to suffer her for two months and the grief of moving elsewhere, but you'll be free at the end of it with considerably less aggro from the whole family than writing her an official letter which she'll summarily ignore or chucking her stuff out on the street.

You can fib a bit and state that the landlord wanted their property back (which they're wholly entitled to do). She needs no more than that.

PS and for the record? She sounds a nightmare. Break free - she's an adult and subsequently not your responsibility.

InTheMoodForLove · 21/02/2017 10:46

She is a bully and emotionally and financially draining you , OP
Also she has to learn sooner or later she needs to grow up, so ultimately you are doing her a favour by getting her to move (hopefully you will not have to move yourself but if that's the only way so be it)

Megatherium · 21/02/2017 10:51

Change the locks, get some assertiveness training, tell her there is no point trying to guilt-trip you because you have already done far too much for her.

easterholidays · 21/02/2017 10:53

Is there anyone - another family member or a mutual or family friend - who might be willing to mediate? If you arranged a session between the three of you where you were able to articulate why the situation isn't working for you and then come to a mutual agreement about what to do next, might that help? Having someone else there might help to take some of the emotion out of it, and also force your sister to be more reasonable (yes SIBU).

I live with my sister and neither of us takes the piss, we contribute equally and have a really good relationship and we still annoy each other from time to time. It's hard, and if she's not paying her way and not making any effort to make things work I'm not surprised you're feeling stressed. Good luck.

yorkshirepuddingandroastbeef · 21/02/2017 10:56

Four weeks notice then change the locks.

It will be a valuable lesson for her. Don't feel guilty. You need to put yourself first. You have been more than fair.

AshesandDust · 21/02/2017 11:05

Don't drag her notice out it will prolong the agony. 7 days is fair
and reasonable being as she's already been given notice previously.
The police won't be interested, it's a civil matter that needs a court
order if you're going to go down that route.

It's a pity you let her off with the rent because you've made the prospect
of her going even less because she has a much more cushy lifestyle to lose.
You could have taken her rent money and saved it for her then offered it
as an inducement for her to leave.

Original poster
dontpushmybuttons · 21/02/2017 11:13

Easter - a couple of weeks ago we did exactly that. The four of us (me, her and our parents) sat down and they tried to mediate. It went down like an absolute sack of shit and was incredibly stressful and emotionally taxing - she went virtually ape and got really angry and upset with all of us saying that it's three against one, even though parents really tried to keep neutral. She refused to talk to any of us for three days and I was the one who ended up apologising because I felt so anxious about not being on good terms with her.

I think I'm going to give her 2 weeks notice. The problem is that if I gave her 7 days I have no idea where she would go because she really doesn't have any money.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 21/02/2017 11:20

Right, so you've tried and your parents are aware. And they are not on anyone's "side" so to speak, so will support equally.

I think perhaps ask could they lend her a deposit (which you will hold onto for that purpose) and then tell your sister - you need a new place within the month, where are you looking and how can I help with this? Because you are moving out on X date, when I will be changing the locks.

Or, if you are renting, find yourself somewhere else as a PP said.

easterholidays · 21/02/2017 11:42

Oh dear then yes, it does sound as though you need to get firm with her, unfortunately. Maybe being brought up short against an immovable object (e.g. a changed lock!) will be what forces her to modify her behaviour? Fingers crossed.

LagunaBubbles · 21/02/2017 12:25

I'm just fed up of being the one who the shit lands on
I'm finding this so stressful because I hate confrontation with her

I dont mean to sound harsh but shes only treating you badly because you are letting her. She wont change but you can. She is manipulating you because she knows you feel guilty. Why you feel guilty you will need to look at and work on changing - your sister is a grown adult and youre enabling her behaviour.

She refused to talk to any of us for three days and I was the one who ended up apologising because I felt so anxious about not being on good terms with her

Why?

BestZebbie · 21/02/2017 14:31

How far away do your parents live?
If it is within a reasonable commute to your sister's job, give her notice, change the locks, and take her stuff to your parents' house - she can sleep there whilst flat hunting (as they already know the situation).

WhispersOnTheWind · 21/02/2017 14:54

OP, you have two choices: tell her to move and make her move or allow the situation to continue and deteriorate until you murder her and bury the body under the floorboards have a complete breakdown.

I get a sisterly concern for her lack of money and options but those are down to her choices, from what you say she is pretty irresponsible and they aren't things that just happened to her. She is an adult, she's not your responsibility and right now you are enabling her by constantly giving in to her guilt-tripping and temper tantrums.

SomethingBorrowed · 21/02/2017 15:05

she's always been a good sister to me
doesn't sound like it...

OP, she won't change. At least not until you stop enabling her. Why would you apologize after the talk with your parents?
Last time you asked her to leave she just said no, and you accepted it!

Tell her now (in writing) that she has to be out be X because

  • she doesn't contribute to food etc
  • she doesn't do any household chores
  • she keeps taking your things
  • she has not been paying rent since X weeks so she must have saved enough for a deposit by now

You can find short term accommodation on the same day, even if it is just a room. What would you do if you were in her situation? I bet you would find a place, so why can't she?

DragonNoodleCake · 21/02/2017 19:05

Wow - sounds a bit like my Dsis I sympathise but yes get her out or it will destroy your relationship forever

Original poster
dontpushmybuttons · 22/02/2017 19:20

I tried to broach the subject again. The date that I asked her to move out by will have given her 6 weeks of being paid £350 per week which is £2100.

I'm actually genuinely considering a lock change at this point.

Legally where would I stand in my rights in being able to get her out? I rent.

To be so stressed by this situation
OP posts:
BurningBridges · 22/02/2017 19:31

Did you have permission to have her there in the first place?

BurningBridges · 22/02/2017 19:39

Or maybe you didn't need permission? In any case - if you look at this page on the CAB website, you can see some of the limited rights of "lodgers" (these are even more limited for family members) and the next page talks about when you need permission to take in a lodger or "sub-let" to a family member.

It sounds like your sister could be considered to have a periodic agreement, running from one rent payment to the next (or period when she should have paid rent). You simply need to give her 1 "period" of notice, e.g, 1 month or 1 week - you seem to have done that, you don't need to do anything else. Why not try the CAB yourself, I think they'll be saying to put something in writing to her and they can tell you what recourse you have if she simply won't budge.

She sounds awful, really sad to be treated like that by your own sister.

lalalalyra · 22/02/2017 19:55

Do not under any circumstances move out and leave her in the flat

I cannot stress this strongly enough. You are the tenant and you would be the one responsible for giving the LL their flat back vacant. If your sub-tenant/lodger/guest stays then you are still liable to pay rent until such times as the LL gets them out. This is where joint tenancies get messy when relationships break down.

Original poster
dontpushmybuttons · 22/02/2017 20:01

Thank you BB for your helpful message. x

I won't be moving so no worries there. I love my flat and I just want it back. I feel like I just can't cope with her anymore and I'm so torn between trying to be a good sister and just trying to be happy and wanting my own space again. To make matters worse she works with me (she joined years after) so I just can't get away.

I hate how everything is about her and what suits her. She's like this with everyone and always has been.

OP posts:
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