In-laws and an ex-gf

[blotty35474]

My DP, baby daddy, has an ex gf. nothing wrong with that you think. i quite agree. can't be helped, he'd probably be shit at sex otherwise.

they were together for about ~2 years, did live together, split up 2-3 years ago. i believe she wanted a baby and he didn't (heard from him so ¯(ツ)/¯) but it wasn't a ~major~ showdown at the time, I don't think, it just wasn't right.. she and he don't have any ongoing contact and haven't since they split up.

anyway, that was quite some time ago. i couldn't give a monkeys and do not feel threatened by her in the slightest.

his family and she however, are fuckin' all over each other. on facebook and just last week MIL went for a day out with her in [town where she lives] which is quite a way away. they also often discuss her amongst themselves whilst we are having family meals e.g "lol must tell [long forgotten ex]". they (mainly she tbf) post all these ~throwback pics with but everyone's liking and whatever else FB people do. my bf has apparently expressed irritation at this but they don't seem to care what he thinks.

look, it's none of my business, aware, I just think it's a bit disloyal. my family LOVED my ex bf and vice versa, but when split up, we all peacefully parted ways.

they are what they are, and we have quite different views on a lot of things... i'll probably never be compliant enough to get the full integration but i'll keep freedom of thought thanks.

I rarely use my fb but nonetheless all this reminiscing of the good old days is steaming my clams... would I be unreasonable if I quietly defriended the lot of them, so I wasn't tempted to get myself all blustery about how confusing I find their family loyalties? it wouldn't go unnoticed but i would rather not waste my energy on getting all about them when they are essentially practically another species to me and my family.

and again, at no point have I suggested she should be ostracised ...

Just unfriend them, if it's what you want. If they ask you about it would you be honest with them?

they probably would ask my bf not me and he's got a great big foot sized mouth so would tell them exactly why no doubt.

I suppose (despite being aware the world doesn't revolve around me. score anyone starts) that it almost seems like they are doing it deliberately.. i remember when I first made a fb last year and everyone added each other, then a couple of days later his brother was posting a pic of he and she from some event ages before and all the family were all over it... my bf had an argument with his brother about it, all 'why are you suddenly posting these pics just as [me] joins fb?!' ... because it's not something they had been doing previously apparently. I just find it odd and I can't explain it. but like I say.. they don't seem to dislike me either... ODD. don't understand these people, they voted out so i never will

If you unfriend them you're likely to cause a big drama. Is that what you'd like? If not just ignore it all. You have bigger things to focus on.

OP you must learn that on MN people stay friends with their exes' families and are VERY defensive about it!

You're not allowed to think it's a bit sad to stay so involved with ex-in-laws. You'll be eaten alive.

Its difficult to say without being there but it sounds like you are over thinking it. I wouldn't unfriendly them as you run the risk of looking petty and childish. If its bothering you that much why not come off social media for a while?

Doesn't sound as if you like your partner or his family much.

I don't get this. Why would you cause a major drama with your in laws over this. They like her. She likes them. You and your DP aren't involved. You might think it's weird but it's not for you to decide. They'll just think your jealous and a bit of a cow honestly. I don't think it's worth it. Depends how much drama you like in your life.

You clearly don't like them, and sound a little bit controlling. Unfollow them, but I'm not really sure why. You talk of loyalty, but do you show any

If they get on I'm not sure why you see it as her loitering. As she is older maybe they just get on on a different level?

As long as they treat you appropriately it is none of your business really, so I'd just cock an eyebrow and unfollow them.

It does sound a bit deliberate, like they are "performing" family relations as a way of needling you and making you feel inadequate, different and excluded. The fact that your BF has also noticed this means that you're not an insane crazy person. At least he sees what's going on and is in your corner!

I am friends with various people who are exes of other friends. Sometimes, when you're friends with both sides, it's awkward - especially if there's no clear right or wrong, or a split is agreed by both parties and then the details subsequently become contentious. I am REALLY careful about how I discuss those relationships, and I keep them very firmly off social media to avoid causing any kind of hurt for precisely the reasons you outline.

I would just hide their posts and move on. You know enough now about their MO (and I suggest you reflect it in your decisions about childcare) - you don't need to keep going through the annoyance and hurt. Just move on and literally hit ignore. Alternatively, if you're feeling really mean, you could fill your post-birth Facebook feed with a TON of pictures of how happy your new arrival is with your family, and none of them.

"It does sound a bit deliberate, like they are "performing" family relations as a way of needling you and making you feel inadequate, different and excluded."

That's how it comes across to me as well.

If they all still get on that's fine, of course, but there's no need to keep telling Op & her partner-who clearly aren't interested, about it.

I do think it isn't great that they talk about her in front of you, but it's entirely possible that they think you don't mind. As you've said yourself, the relationship is well and truly over, your dp has no contact with her. They probably just see her as herself, and have stopped seeing her in the vontext of being your dp's ex.

I think unfriending people is likely to cause offence. If you went down that route, I think the honest thing would be to tell them that you feel weird seeing all the updates about ex and while you respect their right to see whoever they please, you are choosing not to partake in that.

Blotty, I think it sounds quite odd and insensitive of them to be posting pics of the ex, against DP's wishes and just as you join up. It could be they're all pals now and not thinking it through (ie to be a bit more sensitive) or it could be they're trying to get her back into the family??

But should you unfriend them? I'm wrestling with a similar dilemma ATM - don't want to upset anyone or ruin long-term relations, but...

What if you blocked the ex instead? I'm not 100% on this but would this stop you seeing posts which she's tagged in? It could be the answer, rather than risk upsetting the family.

Or, you could close your account?

OP, it's not so much that you're being unreasonable, but there is something kinda (and don't take this the wrong way) .... aggressive about the way you're describing this whole situation. Your BF's ex is "sad", you "couldn't give a monkeys", she's "older and less accomplished and pathetic for still hanging around", it's "weird to want to be friends with your ex's family" and yet you insist that you DEFINITELY aren't threatened, you don't care what these people think, neither does your DP, etc. And yet you can't stop yourself from fb stalking their posts to see if they've posted anything else about her.

What is the actual problem here? Is it that you don't like hearing about your new partner's ex because you feel compared to her, do you worry that your DP's family don't like you, or what?

On the face of it: they are entitled to be friends with whoever they like. And post about it on fb. You can unfollow, so you don't have to see it. But that's not good enough for some reason.

Be honest (at least with yourself) What exactly is it that upsets you so much about the situation, OP?

Do what makes you happy. If you would feel better not seeing the FB posts just unfriended. When and if they notice that they have been unfriended your DP can just explain that you didn't want to see photos/posts about his xp on her FB feed and that you have decided to keep your list of FB contacts to your friends and immediate family .
No further explanation needed.

"Tiger" if you are going to "quote me" could you actually quote me, rather than paraphrase with quotes. Because that's very little of what I said.. or are these alternative facts 😈

Any aggression is more likely down to my post being taken way out of context by some women who must have been wronged somewhere along the way.

really honestly what bothers me? I suppose I feel like they are trying to provoke me. after the argument with the brother... I find it provocative. Whether it's intended to be or not I don't know. Like I say, they don't seem to dislike me. I could be wrong. I am certainly a pretty sensitive person and I definitely like to pick things up and examine them from all angles even when it is to the detriment of my happiness.

Anyway, I think I prefer the high road so I'll just do nothing and bear in mind that the ILs are being tolerated for reasons greater than me alone. I have insisted to my mother that she outlives them and she has given her word 🙏🏽

You are getting a hard time here OP, I completely understand where you are coming from. My mum is overly friendly with all her daughters ex's. sometimes more than she ever was when the relationships were still together. She can't seem to fathom that it is not the best thing for her daughters. When my DStepdad was dying a few years ago we were discussing his wishes for his funeral. He stated that he wanted all of the son in laws to carry the coffin. My DM went on to list them and name my ex. I was married at the time. But she didn't like my husband probably because she couldn't flirt with him so she reverted back to my ex. With no thought of how that would make me or my husband feel, or how awkward it would be. We hadn't even intended to invite ex as he was never close to my DSD anyway. When my DSD put his foot down and said it would be my husband, she snapped "you won't be here anyway!"

My DSis is NC with her for similar behaviour and I am LC. She just can't accept when a relationship ends that she also needs to move on, at least from how the relationship was. I'm not saying fall out, or ostracise. But the relationship will naturally change.
Also my MIL now has an overly friendly relationship with DPs ex. She justifies it because they have a child together. But she is very close to her through choice. I am not in a position to protest against that like I am with my own mother. But I can decide how I feel. So I have a very formal relationship with my MIL. We will never be friends. Although now I have a new baby she wants to be all friendly but never stops talking about his ex. My position is you can't have one son and two daughter in laws. She has chosen hers before I came on the scene. That's fine but you don't get to switch horses half way through a race now that I have a DD. So no days out and afternoon teas for us! It doesn't matter what other people think we should be doing or feeling OP, if it makes you feel hurt or second best or whatever you feel then that's what you feel. Remove as friends and if you get asked just say I didn't want to look at all of your interactions with ex. End of story. Then change the subject. You can't clap with one hand so don't let them see it is bothering you.

I'm sorry, you're right, I should have quoted you correctly:

i couldn't give a monkeys and do not feel threatened by her in the slightest
she's 10 years older than me, doesn't have comparable accomplishments = These two I elided to "couldn't give a monkeys" and "older and less accomplished".

she doesn't seem to have moved on
how much a clinger I would be if i was still loitering around my ex bfs family?! = this is what I paraphrased as "pathetic for still hanging around" and "it's weird to want to be friends with your ex's family"

Apologies for paraphrasing.

"Sad"
"Weird"
*
.........*

I'm sure I've read this before? Op have you posted about this before?

Why should they ditch her or pretend they don't have memories together? There's no law that ex's have to be erased from life.

Maybe they have lots in common or they just like her?

As for baby daddy, it sounds like something a fifteen year old would say. As for "accomplishments" most people chose their friends based on common interests, morals etc not their accomplishments.

As I say, I supposed 'weird' and 'sad' comes from you calling her a 'clinger'.

And that's before we even get on to you saying your DP having an ex "can't be helped, he'd probably be shit at sex otherwise".

Which is a pretty spiteful thing way to describe someone. Presumably your DP thought she was good enough to go out with for two years and had some qualities to offer, rather than just as some sort of practise sex-doll.

She can't have been that bad - he went out with her for two years and his family seem to like her?!