Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or just a slack parent to not be too bothered by this?

52 replies

EssieTregowan · 20/02/2017 12:45

We're on half term. Dh got up to go to work at 5.30 this morning to find DS1 (14) playing on his computer.

He came in to see me and said he's convinced ds has been up all night playing. He wants to talk about consequences when he gets in.

Now, while I obviously don't think it's ideal, I don't think it's that huge a deal as a one off in the holidays. He went into town at midday so if he's tired that's his own lookout.

He's a good lad, never any real trouble, helps round the house and does well at school. He does have a computer obsession but then so do all his mates. I just really don't see the harm in him staying up all night as a one off in the holidays. I used to stay up all night reading at his age, the freedom of not having to get up in the morning was intoxicating.

Anyway, DH wants to have a serious chat with him about bedtimes and respect (?). Aibu to head him off at the pass and say that actually this doesn't need a big stern talking to?

Or am I just being a bit slack here?

OP posts:
thisgirlrides · 20/02/2017 13:07

I wouldn't have a problem with him staying up all night in the holidays if he can function ok the next day but I wouldn't like all night gaming - it's horribly addictive and certainly can't be compared to reading a book. I'm not sure it requires a bollocking but a reminder about sensible computer use and agree between you reasonable curfew time.

mrsmortis · 20/02/2017 13:08

I don't think the fact that he's on the computer is the point here. It's that your DS knows what the rules are and has disobeyed them. If he wanted a bit of leeway during the school holidays then he should have negotiated with you beforehand.

I do think that that needs to be discussed. DS needs to know that you are aware he broke the rules and are not happy with it. Even if there are no sanctions this time he needs to know that.

misshelena · 20/02/2017 13:09

It's not about respect, it's about potentially forming bad habits. Even if he enjoys school, the addictiveness of games and internet in general cannot be underestimated. I have several friends who have tried, so far unsuccessfully, to reprogram the sleeping patterns of their teens.

DianaMemorialJam · 20/02/2017 13:09

Op I'm with you. He stayed up and played on his Xbox, he wasn't out smoking or drinking hanging around street corners. It's the school holidays, no biggie.

steppemum · 20/02/2017 13:10

my ds is 14.
We have x box and computers and he has a phone, and they all have to be downstairs overnight.
Holiday bedtime is between 10:30 and 11:00, based on the fact he wakes up around 8. He has been later than that a few times.

I wouldn't be too bothered about a late night, our half term was last week and one night I found ds still on x box at 12 as I had been dozing in lounge and forgotten to tell him to go to bed! He knows what time he is supposed to go, but will only go at that time with a nudge.

I would be concerned about screen time and if he is regularly on late (eg during school time)
I would also be concerned that neither you nor your dh have any idea what he does after you have gone to bed, how do you know he is turning it off and going to sleep?
I would also be concerned that he has such long unsupervised access to internet, and I would ask if you or dh ever check his history, or have any idea what he is doing.

I think we need to show our teens that we are still concerned and involved in their internet choices. Bedtime /being up all night isn't the issue for me, the over use of computer is.

I wouldn't see it as a major respect issue though, more like it is time to have another look at how we manage internet

Purplebluebird · 20/02/2017 13:11

He's 14! Leave him be! I was happily staying up that late (early) when I was 14, can't see the issue.

whattodowiththepoo · 20/02/2017 13:12

I was up most of the night using a computer when I was younger than 14 and nothing negative ever came from it.
Saying that, I wouldn't want a 14 year old to have unlimited access to the internet all night even if he was primarily gaming.

Saltedcaramel2016 · 20/02/2017 13:12

Personally, I would be like your DH. My sons are younger though (12 & 10).

Maybe, just have a word and take steps to make sure it doesn't happen again like turning the internet off at night and leaving electronics in a different room at night.

Jenniferb21 · 20/02/2017 13:13

I would say to DH it's a one off let's just have a casual chat with him and give him a chance. I'd just say to DS it's not very healthy etc and you'd prefer him to go to bed by 'TimE' even during holidays.

I agree no need to Discipline etc x

lalalalyra · 20/02/2017 13:13

I think your DH is being a bit OTT when he's not 100% that your DS did stay up all night.

I'd have a word with DS in this position. Just saying that staying up all night as a one off in the holidays is one thing, but that you would be deeply disappointed if it was repeated in school time and if it was the computer would no longer reside in his bedroom.

Tbh though if he was up and out by noon in the holidays then the late night/allnighter hasn't done him any harm.

I'm seen as an odd parent by some because I'm lax on lots of things (this wouldn't bother me), but I'd be super strict if he did it in school time - no second chances.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 20/02/2017 13:16

I only have tiny ones but I don't think half term downtime is anything to get one's knickers in a twist about. I don't believe people who say they have a Von Trapp style plan for screen-free fun every day of the holidays!

AnnPerkins · 20/02/2017 13:16

I wouldn't be worried about rule-breaking. Should a 14 year old have to ask to stay up during school holidays? When he's that age, I would have no problem at all with DS staying awake half the night reading a book.

I would have a problem with that much time on a videogame, though. Even more so if he was playing online and especially if he is a bit computer-obsessed.

sycamore54321 · 20/02/2017 13:19

My position would be closer to your husband's. It doesn't necessarily need a full-throttle telling off but it does require a firm conversation. It isn't comparable to reading late as being online puts him in a potentially vulnerable position. While it is highly likely that all he is doing is enjoying some games, it is the potential risks that make this quite serious. Not just major grooming by unknown pervs but also stuff like cyber bullying by his peers - or engaging in cyber bullying. I think a firm conversation is in order. If you think school-time boundaries are too strict for holidays, then discuss and agree new ones. I think your husband is right not to let this slide by unremarked.

DixieNormas · 20/02/2017 13:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
EssieTregowan · 20/02/2017 13:28

I have to say he didn't appear shattered this morning. He says he woke up at five. Dh reckons this is bollocks, and tbf he has never been an early riser.

I think we'll have a calm chat over dinner and see how it goes.

OP posts:
harderandharder2breathe · 20/02/2017 13:32

Definitely have a chat with him about how it can't be a regular thing and that you trust him to turn the computer off at a certain time and he needs to stick to it or ask you earlier in the evening if he can stay up later playing it. But I wouldn't punish for s one off in the holidays

PandorasAlmightyBox · 20/02/2017 13:41

Unless your son is a regular liar, it is unreasonable to assume he is lying about the 5am wake up thing.

However to me, this would be warning signs and I would be keeping an eye on him and setting some game playing curfews

I hate computer games consoles, and If I knew then what I know now, none would have ever entered my house

AcrossthePond55 · 20/02/2017 13:43

I don't have a problem as a one off on a 'non school' night, but if the 'house rule' is that computers go off at 10.30, then he really should have asked if it was OK since he didn't have to get up next day.

I wouldn't make a big issue of it. I'd merely remind him of the rule and that if he wants to have a 'game night' he needs to ask if it would be ok. I'd also discuss with him that he would still have to meet any responsibilities the next day.

I'd also be cautious about this during half term or summer break. For some reason it seems to be very easy for teens/early 20s to 'reset' their sleep cycle in a short period of time and you don't want him to start having trouble getting to sleep.

SuperVeggie · 20/02/2017 13:46

I think the 'rules' approach isn't great for teens. Not because they don't need boundaries, but because they have to learn to self-regulate. If they always have 'rules' to follow when they live at home they can go a bit wild when they're let loose living alone at 18 at uni. So I think it works better if you can come up with some boundaries with them and then let them take ownership and responsibility for keeping to them.

So rather than having a convo about breaking the rules I would make this more about why it isn't very sensible to stay up all night, and the possible (natural) consequences of that choice. If you go down the route of 'taking control' (e.g. turning off wifi, removing controllers) then you just remove the opportunity to learn to self-regulate something that is highly rewarding and addictive. I would only go down the control route if it became apparent that he was struggling to regulate himself.

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/02/2017 13:55

"I have to say he didn't appear shattered this morning. He says he woke up at five. Dh reckons this is bollocks, and tbf he has never been an early riser."
Well, as a child I wasn't an early riser - except for a couple of years when I seemed to be light-activated and would wake very early, and I just could not turn over and go back to sleep. Being awake when the rest of the world was asleep was really nice; I used to get up, wash and get dressed, then read until everyone else woke. It's not impossible that DS is indeed telling the truth.

gleam · 20/02/2017 13:58

If he doesn't lie to you normally, why should he start now?

Besides, if he's online, you can easily check what was accessed by the router overnight. I mean I couldn't, but I know it's possible.

Underparmummy · 20/02/2017 14:07

I think reading and playing computer games are very different.

However I do remember that from about 15 I always went to sleep at about 2am and got up at 10am every school holidays.

Littledrummergirl · 20/02/2017 14:10

My Ds1 and ds2 both pulled all nighters on the Xbox when they were 14. It was the beginning of the holiday and they had plenty of time to recover afterwards. It is something they look forward to as it still feels to them as though they are breaking our normal rules.

12yr old Dd keeps saying she is going to stay up that night as well but only gets to about 3am before she drops off.

I don't have a problem as long as they treat it as a one off, have it at the start of the holidays, behave appropriately with other members of our household.

I must be a lax parent too.

Chasingsquirrels · 20/02/2017 14:19

My ds is 14.
I wouldn't be happy about this in term time, or all holidays, but as a one off I wouldn't stress too much.
I got up at 3am last week (our half term) to get something for DH and ds's light was on. I assumed he'd left it on and gone to sleep and I went to turn it off - he was awake and at his desk doing maths! Apparently he'd been dwelling on the probabilities of something in a pokemon game and had woke up with the answer to how to work it out!

(I'm sure he'd be on screens if they weren't all put aside at bedtime, but finding him doing maths just cracked me up).

CancellyMcChequeface · 20/02/2017 14:40

I wouldn't be worried about this either. It's during the holiday and 14 is old enough to begin to regulate his own sleep habits. If he was staying up all night and missing/being overly tired at school, that would require firm intervention, but why does it matter during the holiday? It doesn't seem worth making an issue of.

As a teenager I sometimes got up and went online at 5am - in my case it was to chat to friends in different timezones. If your son isn't a habitual liar I wouldn't disbelieve him on that point!