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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding dilemma. AIBU?

46 replies

KentMum2008 · 20/02/2017 10:01

Back story-it's a long one...
My best friend is getting married in October. Her and her fiancé have been engaged for 3 years and they've recently come into some inheritance so have decided to use it for their dream wedding. They're having a big family wedding with over 100 guests, I'm a bridesmaid and am very involved in the planning. I'm ridiculously excited, they're my 2 favourite people in the world and I can't wait to share their big day with them.

Here is my AIBU. DP proposed to me on NYE. We were planning to marry in June 2018. However, I've recently found out that I'll be out of a job in September. The pre school I work for is closing and moving to somewhere else I can't commute to. I don't need to work, my wages are just pocket money really and although I love my job, we've got a busy year in 2018, a house move planned and DD off to secondary school so being off work for a year or so wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. DP and I both have huge families and we decided we'd have a small wedding, immediate family and friends only. We couldn't afford to invite all family, so to avoid anyone getting offended at not being invited, this is the best way to do it.
WIBU to push our wedding forward to this summer? We're having a reg office ceremony and then dinner and drinks at a local restaurant. How would you feel if your best friend told you she was doing that? I've tried to put myself in her shoes, and I'd feel ok about it, but I don't know if my view is clouded because, well it's me doing it!
Our wedding will be small and quiet, minimal planning and execution, and I'll still have plenty of free time to help BF organise hers. Honest views, please!!

OP posts:

SparkleTwinkleGoldGlitter · 20/02/2017 10:36

I wouldn't ask because I am an adult and can get married when I like also the friend isn't the only person allowed to get married this year. I'd call and inform the friend saying we have brought our wedding forward due to Circumstances being what they are

Honestly someone would have to be so petty to fall out or anything as your getting married the same year it's not like your doing it on the same day or want the same bespoke dress fgs

Bring your wedding forward

juliej75 · 20/02/2017 10:39

A friend of mine nervously told me that she and her DH were getting married 6 weeks before me, although I'd had a long engagement and date booked for over a year. Fair overlap of guests and similar style wedding.

I found it hilarious that she'd even bothered to mention it. It was a lovely day and had absolutely no bearing on my equally lovely day a few weeks later.

By all means mention it to your friend as a courtesy but she's a twat if she cares.

Original poster

KentMum2008 · 20/02/2017 10:40

Nanna I know for a fact BFs sister will think exactly that. They're very different people, but very close and I worry that the sister will sway her opinion a little!
I only work part time now anyway, so am generally pretty relaxed and have plenty of spare time (which is mostly spent in the gym ATM because, weddings!) It's the main reason I'm helping BF so much with organisation for her wedding. She (and all the other bridesmaids) have full time, demanding jobs in London. I have the luxury of time and energy now. And I hate not having anything to do! We've thought it through very carefully, and I can't see that adding an extra little wedding into our calendar this year will have a big impact.
Another factor is that DPs parents are retiring and moving abroad in January, and while they'd happily fly home for the wedding, if they didn't have to it would be less organisation and cost. I wouldn't expect them to pay for their flights/hotel although they'd probably try to insist.

OP posts:

MargaretCavendish · 20/02/2017 10:45

We did this (though a bit 'worse', actually: we only got married a few weeks before our best friends, there were a lot of shared guests and ours was also a reasonably large event). We did ask if they minded, though to be honest I would have been both surprised and a bit 'wtf' if they'd said they did. When it came to it it was even less of an issue than I'd expected. Even a few weeks' gap feels like quite a long time when you get down to it, and the two weddings felt like very different events. I would ask, out of politeness, but don't make it sound like some huge deal because it really isn't.

Somerville · 20/02/2017 10:46

Just to add, my DH had two sets of close friends who were already engaged and both of whom had already asked him to be best man. We wanted to get married quickly (because we were TTC) so we slotted our wedding in between theirs, about a month after one and two months before the other. Less than a month seemed unfair for a variety of reasons.

The bride for the later wedding was slightly 'hey - we've been engaged for ages and you're beating us' but in a jokey way and it was all fine. We didn't check with anyone first, but we did tell them both before we sent out invitations.

StickyMouse · 20/02/2017 10:47

I would call and speak to her about it. You don't have to get her permission but I would run it past her and gauge her response.

That said I also don't understand why you are bringing forward your own wedding if money from your job isn't important? Also why you wouldn't get another job.

Original poster

KentMum2008 · 20/02/2017 10:57

Because although my wages don't make or break us, we're planning to move house next year and I'd like to not have to worry about what I spend on decorating/new things for the house.
We live in a really small town and jobs that fit around school runs are like gold dust. We'd need a second car if I was to get a job out of town, which isn't out of the question but I like being able to walk to/from work and school. Once DD is in secondary school I'll have more freedom to work different hours, but for now we'll be fine. I work so I have something to do, not because I need to.

OP posts:

Original poster

KentMum2008 · 20/02/2017 12:36

Well BF called me on her lunch break to talk about our friends birthday next week. I took the opportunity to drop the fact we're thinking of doing it this year and she was fine! Very excited and said she thinks it's fitting that we're getting married the same year . She also said she's glad I'm getting married first so I can give her tips about how to survive the pressure . Never thought of it that way. That's a huge weight off my mind!

OP posts:

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/02/2017 12:47

Hurrah! Problem solved :)

Allthebestnamesareused · 20/02/2017 12:55

Personally rather than text or call I'd take her out for a coffee and run it by her that way. Then you'll be able to see her real reaction rather than a "That's ok" on the phone which might not really be a that's ok.

I think she should be fine about it too. It's a totally different style wedding and its not like you are trying to one up her!

BaconMaker · 20/02/2017 13:04

I think she'd be pretty outrageous to be annoyed at that it's not like you're having a huge wedding with similar guests a week before. The fact that you're getting married doesn't mean you can right off an entire summer in which no one else can get married!

sonyaya · 20/02/2017 13:09

That's great news OP - pleased she's being reasonable about it. A small wedding in June and a big wedding in October, it really is a non issue; it's to your credit that you were thinking of your friend's feelings, and to hers she has reacted rationally.

See, weddings don't always have to be difficult!

Oysterbabe · 20/02/2017 13:09

It's fine. I queue jumped a few friends who booked their weddings long in advance with mine which was 4 months after we got engaged. We only wanted a small do and were keen to just get on with it. No one appeared to mind.

Trills · 20/02/2017 13:18

Don't ASK her, because you are not really going to decide to change your wedding plans if she does turn out to be unreasonable about it.

Original poster

KentMum2008 · 20/02/2017 13:27

oyster we're very much the same, just want to get on with it. Not because we're impatient, but because we have the chance to do it this year and do it the way we want to, so why not? I think if we left it til next year there's a chance I'd get carried away with myself and it could turn into something bigger than we wanted.
I think I always knew she'd be fine about it, but there was that tiny bit of doubt in my mind. Totally unfounded as it turned out

OP posts:

bagpusss · 20/02/2017 13:31

A June wedding means only 3 and a bit months' preparation time. Even for a small wedding, you'll need to get busy preparing asap. Good luck!

KERALA1 · 20/02/2017 13:33

Madness! Essentially all our friends got married over a two year period, including us. Didn't occur to anyone to "ask" permission. Abit of a shame in a way as we got rather wedding weary (like Hugh grant in 4 weddings every weekend another wedding) but would love to go to one now.

Original poster

KentMum2008 · 20/02/2017 13:53

My dress is already ordered because I fell I love with it as soon as I saw it and knew it wouldn't be there if we got married next year. We have our guest list finalised already, easy when you're keeping it small. We've picked 3 restaurants and we'll visit them at some point in the next few weeks to make a decision so just the reg office and rings to sort really. I've decided it's going to be easy and chilled, and so it will be

OP posts:

PatriciaHolm · 20/02/2017 18:47

We managed to organise a wedding with 85 guests in 4.5 months so you'll be fine! Especially if the dress is sorted already. Sounds lovely.

Original poster

KentMum2008 · 20/02/2017 21:25

Patricia how did you find it? I'm currently feeling very calm about the whole thing. Will I have a panic a week before?!

OP posts:

PatriciaHolm · 21/02/2017 07:51

No panic at all! I think it helped that generally I was very relaxed about the whole thing, no fixed ideas or long held dreams about how it should go, i had never dreamt of getting married at all! So we both just went with the flow and it came together. Wasn't perfect, but nothing ever is, and the minor things didn't bother me then and don't now!

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