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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want him to contact my family

46 replies

User57jn83hgy4 · 19/02/2017 11:09

I am a couple of months away from separating from my partner and this morning he has asked if he can have email addresses for my family (siblings, parents, aunts, uncles) so that he can apologise for his behaviour over the time we have been together.
He has wanted nothing to do with them over the years and has sent an abusive email to one family member, totally ignored others if they have actually been to visit but has made it difficult for any of my family to come to our house.
I have said that if they want him to contact them he can do so after we have actually separated and we are living in separate houses and all money is sorted etc. He can write to them (I'd probably do this via a solicitor as I don't want him to have their addresses.) He say's by saying 'No' I am being controlling, holding on to all the bad stuff from the past and not allowing him to apologise and move on. He said he thought I'd be pleased he wanted to apologise to them. But I just feel like I want to protect them. AIBU?

OP posts:

Insomnibrat · 19/02/2017 12:10

Absolutely not! horrified There is a hidden agenda here and it will only benefit him.
Only trouble, grief and heartache can come from this, trust me.

Do not let him manipulate you!

GreyMist · 19/02/2017 12:11

This is just a way to keep a narrative going with you. Tell him no. It's not your place to hand out other people's contact details and you'll only have contact with him regarding the separation.

BonnyScotland · 19/02/2017 12:12

absolutely not.... do not give him this information

Topseyt · 19/02/2017 12:18

Tell him no. Tell him they have said that they don't want their private email addresses given out to anyone and that you have no intention of betraying their trust.

Olympiathequeen · 19/02/2017 12:21

Tell him no for now, then I would first ask all the relatives involved if they want to hear from him and do it through the solicitor.

Try not to get into any conversations any more unless they are really necessary. If he proposes something (like these emails) say I need time to think about this. Resume the conversation a few hours later when you have thought of your reply. State your side and walk away. Do not get sucked in again. These conversations are just controlling of him and I wouldn't give a flying fuck how repentant he is because he isn't. It's all for him

eddielizzard · 19/02/2017 12:24

absolutely no.

if he was truly remorseful and mindful of their feelings he would have accepted your answer. nothing's changed really - it's all about him isn't it?

Whatsername17 · 19/02/2017 12:27

Just tell him that they have said no. Or tell your family of his request and let them decide if they want to contact him in order to give him their email. I'm guessing they won't.

sophiestew · 19/02/2017 12:44

YANBU - he will just email them all and tell them what a cunt you are.

Tell him if he is genuine you will be happy to pass on any letters to relevant family members. He won't write them but if he does, burn without reading.

Stay safe [flowers

AcrossthePond55 · 19/02/2017 13:54

I know that AA (and other recovery programs) speak of 'making amends' as part of recovery but they also teach that you need to be sure that your motives are 'true' and that you will not be causing more harm than good.

There is no way in hell I would give out anyone's email address or contact details. I don't even do this for people I'm sure have good motives! I agree, tell him to put it on paper, unsealed so you can read it, and you will see that it gets delivered or (if this is acceptable to you) he can email them to your email and you will see it gets forwarded (after reading it). Let's see if he'll agree to your 'vetting' his 'apologies'.

Original poster

User57jn83hgy4 · 19/02/2017 13:58

Thanks everyone for your replies. I have been so worn down over the years that it's hard to see reality. Hopefully I'll be out of it soon. In my own house. And I'm not giving him the address. He's going to be so pissed off.

OP posts:

OurBlanche · 19/02/2017 14:01

He's going to be so pissed off. There you go, an opportunity to change!

For years(?) you would have felt scared, anxious at the thought of that!

The new, free, single, alive you just finds it vaguely amusing.

Say it out loud and smile!

Change how you think of him!

picklemepopcorn · 19/02/2017 14:01

Tell him they are not interested in anything he has to say.
You could offer to pass on cards. I'd be surprised if he ever actually wrote them though.

RaspberryOverloadTheFirst · 19/02/2017 14:10

Totally agree with others, don't give him any contact details, or he'll use them in pretty much the way TheFirstMrsDV and WhereYouLeftIt describe.

This is just to try and keep an in with you. And I'm sure your relatives won't want contact with him.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 19/02/2017 14:11

It won't hurt him to be pissed off, and he's going to have to figure out that it doesn't matter how he says jump to you, you will no longer be jumping. Ever. He's not remorseful. If he was, he'd be accepting the consequences of his actions and taking responsibility for himself that you can't trust him, rather than abusing you for not facilitating his latest decision regarding you.

My ex did this too. Your ex does not want to 'apologise', he wants to enlist and use them. My ex sent a whole lot of 'concerned' emails to various members of my family planting seeds about my mental health, buttering them up in the hope they'd put pressure on me to co operate with ex who was 'so lovely and just wanted what was best for me'. ie to find a way around me going NC and refusing to return calls, letters, emails etc.

Trollspoopglitter · 19/02/2017 14:14

I hear a lot of "he wants."

If he calls you names, then just repeat his insult and agree with him it's best you're going your separate ways.

Him: I need closure, so I need you to do xyz.

You: No, I don't want to do that.

Him: You're a selfish manipulative cunt and I can't wait to get away from you.

You: I think you're a selfish manipulative cunt and I feel the same - I can't wait to get away from you either.

And repeat. Just keep repeating his insults right back at him.

You can't actually argue with someone who does this back to you because there's nothing to argue about if they're just repeating your insults.

Except nah-aaaah. You are!

carabos · 19/02/2017 14:14

He wants "closure" does he? Well he's going to get it isn't he - he getting a divorce and out of all your lives. Doesn't get much more closed than that. I'm sure if any of your family members want to contact him they'll find a way to do that .

bloodyteenagers · 19/02/2017 14:19

Tell him no.
Tell him straight - listen you arsrhole if
You gave a shit you could have had emails,
Numbers and addresses because
They have naturally gave you them. But no, the arse You are didn't want to know my family. So why do you think they want to hear from your Whiney arse? You really think they are going to read your shite and pat you on the back, and you be bff's? Haha, mate they are either just going to hit delete or tell you to fuck yourself. Now
If you really want contact details here - and I would give details with permission of one person who is outspoken and will amongst other things tell the jerk to fuck himself. And who will tell him bluntly if he ever contacts again they will be seeking a restraining order.

llangennith · 19/02/2017 14:29

Their contact details are not yours to give out.
Stop letting this man manipulate you ffs. Learn to say "NO!".

Olympiathequeen · 19/02/2017 19:49

In a few months the fog he has created for you will lift and you'll wonder why on earth you needed to ask these questions. Just look forward to that.

SeaEagleFeather · 19/02/2017 21:31

What if he is genuinely remorseful though?

then he won't mind bending his wishes
your relatives - well - i woudl really not be happy about my email address being given out to someone who is divorcing from my cousin/whatever. You have their privacy to consider ... actually, you don't really have the right to hand out their addresses unless you check with them first here.

Andrewofgg · 19/02/2017 21:37

Tell the relations that he wants to apologise and give them his email address. They can contact him if they wish to. Or more likely not.

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