To throw out all this shit

[FrenchCat]

PIL died several years ago now.
DH is one of the 3 sons. 1 lives in Hong Kong (for decades), 1 lives in home town and DH lives 5/6 hours drive from home town (with me!)

DH hero worshipped his parents - there was no real basis for this. MIL was hardly even interested in any of her children and particularly thought DHs purpose in life was to run around after her especially after FIL died but wasn't even interested him, other children or GC.

When they died neither of his brothers wanted anything from them (1 abroad, 1 hated his parents). Because they didn't want anything DH decided he should take EVERYTHING from their house.

There were many rows at the time when he was even trying to take furniture and white goods (which wouldn't fit in our house). Instead he took everything else he could transport. I managed to get rid of some when it arrived (lots of broken things).
So he bought a second shed to store it all in and to see if outside storage would get rid of the smell..... because it all STINKS.
They were heavy smokers, fried food and never ever opened windows.

He is now trying to move this stuff into the house - it's smells and it's all rubbish.

We had an hours 'discussion' over a pile of books this morning - which I gave to MIL because I didn't want them! I'm hoping the broken Hoover is also going today.
The thinks everything is important and needs to be kept. The saddest bit is there were some good things he left.

Today I feel like having a bonfire....

I think I am mostly having a moan - he complains we have too much stuff but it doesn't include this apparently!

Binning it when he isn't there is not the answer. He probably needs to deal with it properly and you need to help him do that, not sneak behind his back. I don't think binning it without his knowledge would solve the real problem.

Start with one thing - for example the books.

You have read them which is why you passed them on. You don't want to re-read them. Is he going to read them? If so agree a length of time for him to read them.

When this time is up then it shows that he never was going to read them (doesn't matter what excuse is used - if he wanted to read them, then he would make the time) and the books leave the premises - be it binned or charity shop. You may have to actually do the physical part.

If he says he doesn't want to read them, then the discussion of what is the point of keeping them needs to be had. If he can't come up with a good answer within a set amount of time - then again they go.

After your further explanation I would just give him a deadline to sort it and if he doesn't chuck it out yourself.

I know it's wrong, but I'd slowly start taking stuff to the tip. I love a massive clear out, might start on our shed tomorrow. The DH broke 2 pizza plate things that are meant to go on the BBQ and just dumped them in there. Drives me crazy.

Have you asked the DH why he has kept stuff you gave away to his parents?

Sorry, not helpful, but this situation would drive me demented.

Order a skip, you have to apply tough love with this one.

Given the time that has lapsed since his mother's death (8 years), the fact most of it is not of sentimental value and your husband's hoarding tendencies, you really do just need to be firm and bin it all.

It's not fair on you and I'm sure it's not mentally healthy for your husband either; If I was you I'd give him one last chance to get rid of it himself or I'd order a skip myself and get it done!

My family is a little similar. What helped Granny and others with getting rid of stuff was saying "The council/charity are collecting broken electrical and electronic stuff, and working ones. Do you think we could help by donating some things?"
Then some of the bulkiest stuff might go.

My dad gave loads of Granny's stuff to his friend George, who put all sorts of items to good use. He never mentioned that George was a metal scrap merchant who worked at the tip!

I'm sure it's not mentally healthy for your husband

Having watched the Hoarder programmes on BBC, neither is binning stuff without his knowledge or consent.

Have a look at the psychology of hoarding, it would be worth reading up on it I think. People cant throw things away for a variety of reasons eg scarcity when growing up, emotional attachment to things which represent memories, not wanting things to be wasted, etc. I'd suggest trying to find a counsellor or psychologist who can help too. I'm a hoarder in some respects but I'm very self aware and trying to change things. can you talk to him about it in a non judgemental way eg his aspirations for what he would want the house and shed to be like in the future?

Any update OP ?

theproblemofsusan that was a really nice post. Thank you.

My fil adored his parents, who died eons ago. He kept everything. It wasn't mourning but just a v deep attachment that I didn't understand. Everyone was measured by their example. Thankfully the stuff he kept didn't smell. Mil never expressed discord about it but I often thought how much I would hate that. I think like pps have said. You need to tread sensitively and carefully. Your house is both of yours. Talk it out respectfully.

My husband has hoarding tendencies. I am a minimalist so we have had major problems in the past. When his parents died I was at the house sorting it out and although it was a sad time for his siblings they laughed a lot because every time he bought out a box or bag of crap as soon as he went in the house I put it in the skip. He still brought back a lot of crap that he sneaked in which I insisted went in the shed as his parents also smoked. And it stayed out their for 9 years. When our son died I could not cope with his room so we left that for 2 years. But I went through all family photos and put up collages in every room showing our happy times. I told DH he was in my heart I didn't need to keep his stuff he was there in front of me everyday and eventually we sorted his things out shared out to his siblings and friends and charity. Maybe you should try something similar with your DH. The year my sons room was cleared out DH hired a skip and dumped everything he took from his parents house. We put up photos , he digitised all our camcorder memories and that's enough. Sorry this is long winded.

I also asked him if he died would he want his children to be guilt tripped into keeping his clothes or duvet and he said of course not. Maybe try it from that angle.

I recommend that you both read Marie Kondo books; about tidying and decluttering; they are excellent and will hopefully help you both get some perspective on all the PIL's stuff

I have to keep reminding my mother that memories are kept in your head and not in a pile of belongings that she is never going to use that came from an aunty (not even a relative in our case but a neighbour who was like an older sister for DM)

I suggest one or more of these strategies. Talk thru with him each one.

1. 2 hrs each weekend (very scheduled) together sorting thru what can be kept & what can go. Anything he wants to keep will be subject to review later, anyway. This way you will get rid of some of it.

2. Tackle things by category (say books). Problem is, it's probably not remotely organised to make that easy.

3. Don't look at the stuff but sit down & decide together what kinds of stuff you both agree should be kept, and both agree should go. Then go look for that stuff. The stuff not covered can be inventoried & discussed separately.

4. Talk about (agree on) selling things you don't need & putting the money towards an agreed good purpose, like your children's savings or house improvements, etc. Agree on what can be sold now & what is still to be discussed.

DD is a hoarder so I toss stuff when she's not looking, but only if I can be 99% sure she'll never notice/realise.

think a decent, registered therapist could help here.

My mum died almost 7 years ago and we still have all her clothes vacuum bagged, her jewellery is still where she took it off last (necklace on the bathroom shelf, mantle piece over living room fire etc)
The thought of throwing out any of her stuff panics me, i want to keep it all, so i completely understand your husband having sentimental value.
But that's personal things, not a fridge, a table etc.
He maybe needs to see a GP for referral to some sort of grief counselling, as it sounds like losing his second parent and being left effectively an orphan, has had a massive negative effect on him. I know it's hard, but he needs you to be understanding, not just throw things out, destroy them etc.

How near the house (and the other shed) is the second shed? Could it be tragically destroyed in a most unfortunate fire without any risk to anything else?

It must be a real pain. I have hoarding tendencies, so does DP, but it still annoys me that we live in a house full of clutter.

I wonder if hoarding is hereditary. Both my parents were hoarders, and and it took more 40 trips to the tip in a fully-laden estate car to get rid of all their crap when they died, and that didn't include furniture, white goods and decent clothes which all went to charity. I kept a few things that were either useful or nice, and some reference books, but everything else went.

I'd like to do a de-cluttering exchange with a fellow hoarder. I know I could clear all their old crap, so I bet it would be easy for someone else to do mine.

Small update

The smelly box in the kitchen has gone and mostly the contents have gone. Smelly books have also gone

He's lost interest in going through the shed contents though.
I am going to go through and remove some items though so that when he does go and tackle it - there's less to start with.

He has been going around the house telling me what items of mine I can throw out which is helpful