Passive agreesive or a slip up?

[Teamorwork]

Firstly I'm not blameless. But this is a specific question. I want to understand.

DH and I are in debt. We turned a corner in December. Working from cash budgets, no impulse buying - we are doing so well.

Three days ago DH and I had a row. Have been in a stalemate for a few days. I check the accounts daily to match up the forecast to the activity. Today he has put a minor purchase on the debit card. He could have taken money from the cash budget if it was a planned purchase. We also both have an emergency £20 note signed by each other.

AIBU to interpret this as a great big passive aggressive 'fuck you'? Could there be another reason?

Oh op, there does seem a few red flags here. Your marriage is perfect as long as you put up, shut up and toe the line. Then he manipulates it so you are the one who is unreasonable.

It does seem on here that many women don't realise they are in an emotionally abusive relationship because they never have rows. They don't realise that they never, or rarely, row because of the repercussions. As soon as they find a voice, the abuse ramps up a notch.

Now this might not be you, but I'd carefully look at your relationship. Filling in the woman's aid questionnare "the freedom programme" is often bandied around. Is this a good idea?

Your post is a bit worrying.

So what more needs to happen in your marriage until you concede there is nothing left to fix? It takes two to make a marriage work, making it "work" by you treading on eggshells lest he stonewall you isn't actually helping anyone.

Update: He bought gum and a chocolate bar because he ran out and forgot to bring budget money with him.

He takes chocolate in his lunch and has gone without gum before when he ran out and asked me to get it in the grocerys.

But that was when I was being the good wife and not complaining about anything.

He is possibly quite clever because it's just the thing to push my buttons but arbitrary enough to make me look like a crazy person if I take any issue with it. I am not being provoked this time - thank goodness for the handholding on here to keep me sane.

Alternatively he is just genuinely thinking that it is fine to do. But if so why had he only done such a thing now?

TempusEedjit He is going for an initial mh assessment soon. I suppose I'm waiting to see if anything is diagnosed/if he commits to therapy so he can deal with perceived criticism in a more healthy manner, etc.

After that maybe couple therapy to work on our communication and intimacy.

The. If that doesn't work I think I will give up. I will not be happy to but I won't stay forever in this.

Things have improved but I feel like it's mostly been my input that has brought about the change. It is his turn to contribute now.

Who initiated the MH assessment? How long has he been like this for?

I said he should see a doctor and the doctor referred him

He swears the stonewalling is unintentional.

My DH used to be terrible, just awful, with money. He was of the school of thought of "I can't be broke, I have cheques left!". I handled the family money and he had an 'allowance' of $20.00/week cash (this was in the late '80s so a good allowance). He carried a credit card for true emergencies. If he used the card, he had to 'pay it back' out of his allowance, either that week or next week's. He learnt budgeting and to control his spending real fast and took over our finances when on-line banking became popular (because I was stuck in the 'paper age') and has been handling them every since.

So, in your situation, the money he spent for gum and choc would be 'repaid' out of this week's budget money. If you find that he's already spent this week's budget money and that's why he used his card or if he used the card then spent all his budget money too, you'll know he's starting to struggle.