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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to not want to see her?

44 replies

PippaPeppasEvilTwin · 17/02/2017 08:48

I've nc'd for this as I'm fairly sure AIBU.

Ok so I have a friend, our DHs worked in the same field. We weren't close friends, we would speak on the phone maybe once a year but are friends on FB and would whatsapp message each other now and then.

Their relationship broke down about 2 years ago. She left him because he was verbally abusive at the very end and possibly cheated on her with a colleague. During this time I supported her and we spoke on the phone, I went round to see her etc. I had just had dd2 so I couldn't do much practical stuff although I was there for her at the end of the phone.

She's moved on and had other casual relationships and contact levels dropped back to what they had been before her split with DH.

During this time there were a LOT of cryptic "can't cope with this"/"well isn't that shit" FB posts triggering "u alright Hun PM me x" type replies. I can't be doing with that stuff so would leave her to it unless she contacted me.

She wanted to meet for coffee a few times but had moved an hour away, with a newborn and a toddler I suggested meeting halfway but got a cold "I don't meet halfway" reply Hmm.

I was exhausted, dealing with my own relationship issues (that she never asked about). She only ever rang to tell me the latest think her stbxh had done. I kept telling her that what he is doing/who he is doing is not her concern anymore. She Facebook stalked him, Instagram stalked him, she is/was obsessed. I was to be honest getting fed up (after a year plus of this) having the same conversations and messages back and forth about her stbxh and how she couldn't believe he was treating her like this. I kept giving her advice and support but it was like banging my head against a brick wall. I find her incredibly draining and like her life just hasn't moved on. I hope I've explained it well enough but it literally has been the same drama filled obsession with his life and what he's doing that's worn me down. She just wants to talk about him all the time and I don't get it.

Anyway onto The AIBU. She's badgering me for coffee again to catch up and I just can't face it. I feel guilty for feeling this way but after two years of this with very little support back I imagine it will be a face to face slagging off session of her stbxh that I barely knew in the first place. I haven't seen her in almost a year because of life getting in the way. We weren't that close to begin with but I feel like she uses me as an emotional venting board and nothing else.

Come on then let me have it, I'm a crap friend right?

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 17/02/2017 09:36

Nah, YANBU.

I'd bet my last pound that she isn't interested in you anyway, and that she's only pursuing you because you're her last link to her ex-husband.

BrownEyedLady · 17/02/2017 09:37

Could you see letting her think what she likes about your reasons for NC as your last generosity to her? No need to put her straight.

Aderyn2016 · 17/02/2017 09:42

You could tell her the truth - that she has never once been at all supportive of you, even when you had small babies. That the not meeting halfway comment really upset you and that you no longer wish to have contact.
It might be good for her to hear what she has been like as a friend and help her future friendships. And it would be good for you to not allow her to put the blame on you (even though you aren't going to see her again).

troodiedoo · 17/02/2017 09:44

She's an emotional vampire. We all know someone like that :( Why is it that we find it so hard to end a friendship thats toxic compared to a relationship? I have a couple of "friends" like this and I just fend them off with the bare minimum and vague promises to meet up soon, hoping they'll get the message. They dont. Wish I had the balls to end it.

PippaPeppasEvilTwin · 17/02/2017 09:44

Yes I think I will just text her something along the lines of "sorry I'm booked up all half term holiday. Hope all is well with you, take care of yourself, Pippa x" that's ok right?

She will definitely slag me off to all and sundry for abandoning her but to answer a pps question, no I'm not bothered about keeping up the friendship in all honesty

OP posts:
August1984 · 17/02/2017 09:44

I had a friend like this, i'd see her maybe once a year and when we meet its a three-hour run down of every conversation she's had with with the men she's having emotional affairs with (she's married) and no interest in my life whatsoever. Exhausting.

I'd say definitely ditch her, but i think that's easily done by saying you can't travel near her but if she's willing to drive to you that's fine. Emotional leeches like this don't like it when anything is about you/for you, so i'm fairly sure she won't make the effort.

August1984 · 17/02/2017 09:46

Sorry OP didn't see your post.

NancyDonahue · 17/02/2017 09:46

Life is too shorts for energy sucking 'friends'. If you don't want to tell her the truth just just fob her off with 'Really busy at the moment, I'll let you know when I get some free time' each time she contacts you. The penny will drop and she'll move on to suck the life out of other friends.

PippaPeppasEvilTwin · 17/02/2017 09:49

I did it. Text has been sent- gulp!

OP posts:
mumofthemonsters808 · 17/02/2017 09:50

By the sounds of things the relationship was very one sided with you giving lots of help and support to a very demanding friend/acquaintance. When someone is that selfish they refuse to meet you half way for a meet up, it tells you all you need to know.

Personally, I wouldn't give her the time of day because I wouldn't want history to repeat itself. It may be the case that a few years down the line, she has got her act together and acknowledges how unreasonable she was, but these type of people rarely do wake up and smell the roses..Shes already given you an indication of the way she is feeling by her choice of words in the voice message.I'd be concerned that there is a load of new problems she wishes to place upon your shoulders, worse still she'd be playing the same old record.

.As I've got older, I've got very selective about spending my precious time only with friends who make me laugh, lift me up and help and support me, I think I offer that, so I expect it in return.

NancyDonahue · 17/02/2017 09:57

Well done pippa. It will be fine, I'm sure she has other friends. You're not responsible for her feelings.

Gazelda · 17/02/2017 09:57

I agree with Saucyjack. She just wants to meet up to see if you have any gossip about her ex.

EJREsMum · 17/02/2017 09:57

Had a friend like this. Her partner left her and had a baby with someone else. She stalked him and the pregnancy. I listened for hours a day, for weeks that went into months. He came grovelling back and she took him back! Told her straight up I didn't want to hear no more about it good or bad and we're still friends. Not the same scenario I know but sometimes being straight up with someone pays off.

diddl · 17/02/2017 09:59

Not placemarking to see if she replies, oh no!Blush

troodiedoo · 17/02/2017 10:03

Well done PippaPeppasEvilTwin bet that felt good :)

Willow2016 · 17/02/2017 10:13

Gawd no YANBU she sounds a complete selfish so and so.

She only wants you when she can quiz you about her ex, she isnt interested in you art all, all 'me, me, me'.

You dont need such people in your life, she will move on to another person to bore to death with her ongoing life story, breath a sigh of relief you dont have to bother with her again.

randomer · 17/02/2017 10:22

step away from the technology

PippaPeppasEvilTwin · 17/02/2017 10:26

I do feel relieved. Off out today with a friend who does give back and makes me laugh.

Got a reply "ok Hun maybe another time" . Hopefully that's that.

And randomer is the irony of your post not lost on you?!

OP posts:
gamerwidow · 17/02/2017 10:49

Well done OP 😃 I wish I could do that with my emotional vampire but she's my sister so I've got to keep her 🙄

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