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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if you believe people can change?

16 replies

deai · 16/02/2017 22:59

Current complicated relationship with my boyfriend. Contemplating what to do, basically. In the first year or so of our relationship, DP did some pretty fucked up stuff that I would no way tolerate now, but i was 21 and stupid and forgave him. but now I'm a bit older with a bit more self confidence I can't seem to just forget about them anymore and wonder what kind of person I'm with if he thought it was ok to treat me (or anyone!) like that. for example:
He filmed me during sex on his phone without my knowledge. I found the video and freaked out, obviously!
He complained that when we had sex it wasn't "as tight as normal" when we'd only been together maybe a few weeks, apparently it was because he thought he wasn't big enough but blamed me to make himself feel better :/
He stalked an old online forum account that i'd used since i was about 14 and read all my posts and then used them against me. that one is actually, really quite creepy tbh.
I think but can't know for definite that he either cheated on me or tried to cheat on me when I was 8 months pregnant with DS (this was still early into our relationship, I got pregnant after about 4 months together. accidentally obviously)
He was generally a useless twat when DS was born.

The thing is, I can't imagine he would do those things now, but I don't know if that is because he knows I would go ape shit these days, or if it's because he has grown up a bit. every time he does anything that's slightly disrespectful I get so pissed off because it reminds me off all that stuff and I think he must be the worlds biggest wanker and really hate me.

For background we have 1 child and i am currently 34 weeks pregnant with second. We've been together almost 5 years now. We don't currently live together, largely because of this issue and the fact that I can't seem to get over it.

OP posts:

Crunchymum · 16/02/2017 23:15

What does he do now that is 'slightly disrespectful' ???

Crunchymum · 16/02/2017 23:18

Of course all the shit on the first year is enough for me to say he is was? a complete cunt.

You still wont live with him? So I guess his behaviour has been less than exemplary he past few years.

tiredofhavingtothinkofnewnames · 17/02/2017 00:09

We don't currently live together, largely because of this issue

What other reasons?

PuddleJumper01 · 17/02/2017 00:26

Well you might have doubts, but they don't seem stop you having babies with this man considering you're pregnant with your second one, and these kids would be happier with a father.

So rather than navel gazing about how he used to be, how about looking to see how you can make things work going forward?

IS he a good dad? IS he a better person now? etc.

Or else, shave your feet.

Butterymuffin · 17/02/2017 00:38

Yes, you haven't exactly said he's loads better now, more that the outstandingly twattish behaviour seems to have died down. I know the new baby is a done deal now but what persuaded you to have a second, or did it just happen? Was there a phase where he was actually good as a partner? If not then maybe just make the break and ditch all the lingering resentment once and for all. He can still be their father without you two being a couple, especially since you're not living together atm anyway.

Original poster

deai · 17/02/2017 12:02

I'm not sure if he's loads better now though or if he just knows i wouldn't put up with all that stuff now.
We did live together until a few months ago, I was scared of a repeat of when DS was born because he didn't seem to be being particularly helpful and i maybe over reacted but I didn't want to have to deal with a newborn and feeling like he wasn't helping again, because with DS it just made everything really stressful.
Maybe i thought things were better than they were, because we'd had an easy period for a while. But every time things have been 'hard' I feel like he has been a twat. I am making myself sound like an idiot admitting half of this but i'm trying to be honest. i think there is something in my brain stopping me putting the nasty things he does together with the person that he is most of the time, if that makes sense? It's like I know some of the things he has done are wrong, but it doesn't seem like something he would do, even though he did? and sometimes he acts like he cacn't help doing things, and i don't know what to think. He had sex with me after i'd fallen asleep, after telling him i wasn't in the mood (that was early in this pregnancy, and i was feeling really sick and sore) but he says, he was asleep/dreaming when he did that, so how can i blame him?
he's being ok now though but I don't know if the trust is there really. I feel like an idiot and embarrassed but this is my life and day to day it isnt awful at all or anything like that. I don't think he is abusive, well, not deliberately, I just honestly don't think he's really the ind of person to be manipulative or anything, I think he is just more unthinking and uncaring and selfish sometimes and i don't know if that can change, or if it's me? maybe he would care about someone else but just has no respect for me.

OP posts:

emsler · 17/02/2017 12:33

Unless he has a history of sexsomnia, he didn't have sex with you after you'd fallen sleep, he raped you.

Personally I would press charges, but I understand that he's the father of your children and that makes it a bigger decision. But either way, LTB. You deserve better.

creampinkrose · 17/02/2017 12:35

In all honesty, I think a relationship with (almost) two children where the parties don't live together is not a relationship at all.

ElvishArchdruid · 17/02/2017 12:43

Sorry slightly gobsmacked that he ignored your wishes, but he was asleep when he did it, so it's ok.

Personally I think in your heart you know the answer, but you don't want to admit it. As to will he change, he could mature possibly, but the root of the problem will always be there.

You need to ask yourself what does he add to the relationship / parenting? Then figure out how things will go moving forward.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 17/02/2017 12:51

As he hasn't gone out of his way to show you he is fab dh /df material I would say he isn't as invested in the relationship as he should be. . .

Costacoffeeplease · 17/02/2017 12:55

So he's filmed you having sex without your knowledge, and raped you while you were asleep?

I'd be reporting him to the police tbh

BarbarianMum · 17/02/2017 12:59

He has sex with you whilst you slept and by remarkable coincidence this was on a night when you had refused sex. Oh love, that wasn't an accident that was rape

I think your instincts about this guy are spot on and you should listen to them more - he sounds like a selfish, lazy, sexually abusive creep.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 17/02/2017 13:01

I would have jibbed him off after the first incident, he sounds like an absolute piece of shit rapist.

DownTownAbbey · 17/02/2017 13:04

He's a rapist. Stay away!!

Cakingbad · 17/02/2017 13:05

I don't think people can change.
And I think he is a rapist and an abuser.

Cakingbad · 17/02/2017 13:07

maybe he would care about someone else but just has no respect for me.

No. He would abuse anyone that he could abuse. That will include your kids.

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