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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum causing undue stress

11 replies

countingdown2gin · 15/02/2017 14:04

AIBU??

Ok. Long story short. I had to have a breast biopsy yesterday for a lump. I had to tell my mum as she dropped DS home and I was emotional to say the least.

She has since completely made it about her saying she's had been ill and been close to tears all weekend. I get that and I understand it's stressful.

She then wanted to see me, I made plans with someone who doesn't know so it was a nice distraction and I didn't need to talk about it. She's completely guilt tripping me for not seeing her and being very blunt over messages. I don't want to be dwelling on it as I have a 2 week wait and she's now adding to my stress acting like this.

I then replied to her saying I'm sorry I've caused her stress but I didn't want to talk about or dwell on it so was looking forward to the distraction with someone else. I offered to meet on another date instead.

She then replied a single line saying stress is bad for her health too.

I totally get this is stressful and I'd rather if not told her in the first place but had no choice. She's completely turned this to be about her and I'm apparently completely to blame.

AIBU to be completely pissed off with her?

OP posts:
Katy07 · 15/02/2017 14:10

Shock Your reply to her latest comment should be 'Seriously? Hmm Well sorry but my Stress + Impending Biopsy Results beats your (second-hand) Stress.'
She's got a **ing cheek. YANBU.

acornsandnuts · 15/02/2017 14:13

Is she usually so self absorbed and selfish. Honestly I just wouldn't engage with her.

TheCatsMother99 · 15/02/2017 14:21

Is your mum my mum too?? I could have written that myself.

I had a VERY similar thing happen to, except it was a smear test. When I had bad results back my mum then managed to turn it around to being about her and decided (without seeing a Dr) that she had cancer as she hadn't been for a smear test for years.

If anything bad happens to me my mum complains that she isn't sleeping because of the stress and turns it all around to being about her. It's exhausting as whatever I have she has it worse or I've made things bad for her by telling her.

I've learnt not to tell my mum anything like this now and have hugely distanced myself from her. I feel better for it.

So my only advice would be to tell your mum less as she isn't offering you any support and is only adding to your woes.

I hope that everything goes ok for you Flowers

Original poster
countingdown2gin · 15/02/2017 15:27

I've chosen not to reply. DH called her and apparently she said she's hurting too Hmmnot entirely sure why.

Currently pg as well so this is not an extra level of stress I want to take on.

OP posts:
SanitysSake · 15/02/2017 16:02

Oh crikey, this is my mum to a tee.

I ended up saying, when my mother tried to take the 'credit' for nursing my ex through cancer 'Oh, do fuck off'.

Not very respectful - but I lost it.

I was of the opinion, she was trying to 'dine out' and 'cash in' on something that was horrendous.

Keep strong petal, and don't be afraid to tell her the same... Sounds like she needs it x

user1483981877 · 15/02/2017 16:09

Oh god, I'm sorry you're having to go through this it must be terrifying.
I hope it turns out ok.
Don't worry about your mum, she is being selfish beyond belief, just look after yourself now. I accept that her behaviour must hurt (I grew up with people from a similar ilk who never see it in themselves and think they are hugely supportive) but the most important thing is you right now.

Bitofacow · 15/02/2017 16:09

Yep my mum too.

Far from being a calming presence she ramps the emotion right up. Any crisis I have is worse for her because she is my mum so feels it more.

The only way I can cope is to limit contact when something potentially stressful is happening.

MyOtherNameIsTaken · 15/02/2017 16:09

When my blood pressure went sky-high so I was hospitalised in case I had a stroke the first thing my mother did when she heard was to phone me in hospital and give me a barrage of abuse for causing her extra stress. Angry

sonjadog · 15/02/2017 16:11

Yeah, my Mum does this too. I no longer tell her my worries until after it is all over. I share with friends instead.

TwitterQueen1 · 15/02/2017 16:12

My sister is like this. She takes co-ownership and makes it all about her... "Oh I've been so worried..." "We loved her too.." (about my dead dog) etc etc. I absolutely hate and resent it.

happypoobum · 15/02/2017 16:13

I am currently awaiting test results and further test appts for a serious health issue.

The fact I am NC with my mother has made it all so much easier, as, like yours, she would have made it all about her.

So sorry you are having this shite on top of a difficult time OP - good luck Flowers

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