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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to of stopped contact?

24 replies

user99009960546 · 15/02/2017 12:54

Sorry if this is little waffled

Felling a bit uneasy and worried I have pushed things to far!

My dd is 2 and a half, and I pretty much spilt with her dad when I found out I was pregnant, he didn't want her and made it very clear and said some really nasty things, he had a few attempts of "pretending" to want to make a go of it during the pregnancy and early days but it was all lies and he wasn't interested.

Anyway our relationship was on the way out before I found out I was pregnant due to his drinking that he clearly has a very big problem with

When dd was born he didn't go on birth certificate, his choice he missed 2 appointments

So since we have split I have allowed access once a week at mine, I stay out the way run errands etc let him take for walk to park but I do have to constantly remind him to not let dd do something, watch her etc as he laying on sofa ignoring her while she empties cleaning stuff out cupboard etc. Also note he often doesn't bother turning up or leave ms hours early etc when his football team are on telly

So he's quite a strong character and can be quite forceful and is constantly texting demanding that I drop dd to his for weekend etc and which I refuse every time and try's to use maintenance as a tool to control me, I.e if you don't do what I say I won't pay, its got so bad that after week and weeks of abusive messages I have told him he is no longer welcome in my house and if he doesn't want to psybthen that's fine but I'm blocking his number and stopping contact and he will have to go though the courts.

Now I'm just having a wobble and panicking in case he does go to court, I have genuine reasons to believe my dd should not be left in his care for weekend these are due to drinking, drink driving, panic attacks due to the drink meaning he has to drink the next morning just to get over it or to drive his car, a incident that ended with dd in hospital at 5 weeks with suspected head injury and leaving her unattended in bath etc

Up until now I have just quietly coasted along letting him see her to keep the peace but it's getting harder as he wants weekends/holidays etc.

Also just to mention he has a 14 year old child who refuses to even sisal to him on phone and wants no relationship with him

I'm honestly not just being horrible I have older kids that see there dad every week, holiday with him etc and that's great they have a relationship but I don't have to worry about there safety when they are with him

Have I done the right thing by just stopping access?

OP posts:
Original poster
user99009960546 · 15/02/2017 13:11

Sorry very waffled hope it makes sense

OP posts:
OccasionalNachos · 15/02/2017 13:14

Yes you have definitely done the right thing. Supervised contact only.

HumpHumpWhale · 15/02/2017 13:17

I don't know the legalities of it but I think you're doing the right thing protecting your child. I have no experience in this area but I would have thought that surely a judge would see things like the hospital visit as big red flags. (The other stuff too, but that one is documented).

TitaniasCloset · 15/02/2017 13:21

I think you have done the right thing OP. You have to put did safety first. He sounds like a liability. Must be hard to put your foot down with his bullying tactics though. Flowers

TitaniasCloset · 15/02/2017 13:21

DD not did.

Original poster
user99009960546 · 15/02/2017 13:42

Thank you I was doubting myself and yes your right it's very hard as he makes me out to be unreadable and then I doubt myself but the most important thing is the safety and wellbeing of my little surprise dd who I never thought I would have Smile

I have made sure that everything has been documented through my health visitors they were aware of his attitude to dd and his drinking right from my booking in appointment and they came over to access our home life/situation when she was a few weeks old but was happy that I was keeping her safe and she wasn't in danger but they have always agreed with me that he should only have supervised access

I also have his admittance through email that he drinks drives, keeps aclochol in car etc.

And obviously the hospital incident was documented and health visitors visited, I could kick myself for leaving her, she was fed and asleep and all he had to do was walk her 200 metres home and let her sleep while I was with older children, instead it ended with her falling down concrete steps and being rushed to hospital luckily she was fine except of a bump

OP posts:
c3pu · 15/02/2017 14:14

Have you told children's services about your concerns? If he takes it to court (seems unlikely, but it does happen) if you list these concerns without speaking to CS about them they may not hold much water.

Original poster
user99009960546 · 15/02/2017 14:32

C3pu when you say child services who exactly do you mean?

I have just received a email from him saying he has spoken to family services (in his area) and they advised him to send it he is giving me two options 1 go to court and he will fight me for everything EOW, holidays, every other Xmas etc (he says he will take dd away from her siblings for Xmas Sad)

Or 2 I meet with him agree something reasonable I.e dd to stay st his for one weekend a month and we just get it witnessed and avoid court

I have just spoken to my family services mediation in my area and they advise me to ignore the email and say that they wouldn't of advised him to send it as they would of been the ones making contact with me not him

Obviously I'm worried as hell the thought my my dd being taken from me and her siblings every other weekend and every other Xmas is about enough to give me a breakdown I'm so scared the courts won't listen and will hand her over Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
user99009960546 · 15/02/2017 15:48

Can anyone advise who family services are??? Is this just your local authority??

OP posts:
BeautifulLiar · 15/02/2017 15:54

Social services

lapetitesiren · 15/02/2017 15:57

You are doing the right thing keeping your dd safe. Why don't you talk to your health visitor about this and they can help you access the help you need.

Squirmy65ghyg · 15/02/2017 18:00

He's talking shit. Obviously.

Squirmy65ghyg · 15/02/2017 18:01

The likelihood oh him bothering to go to court is very very small.

Hope you're okay OP.

Ilovecaindingle · 15/02/2017 18:06

Don't let him bully you. . And that's all it is - scare tactics because you have dared to defy him. . Ignore and get on with your life. It will cost him thousands to get it before a judge. . That's a lot of alcohol spends. .

scaryteacher · 15/02/2017 18:09

If he is not on the birth certificate, and you are willing to forego the maintenance, then why does DD have to see him? What can he do legally?

PeppaIsMyHero · 15/02/2017 18:10

YANBU. In fact, you're acting as a mother a protecting her from a threat.

You an demonstrate that your other children have a solid relationship that you have helped foster with their father. This is a different scenario and he is in a weak position.

Stay strong, You're doing the right thing. Good luck.

SanitysSake · 15/02/2017 18:11

he's talking horse manure.

You have EVERY right to do what you've done. In fact, I would actually advocate that you do take this to court. What with the hospital records and anecdotal evidence (or preferably hard evidence if you've got it) as to his drinking and behaviour and I'm sure the judge will certainly favour your case. AND you could get regular maintenance payments which you don't have to tip toe around him or, more importantly, endanger your little one for.

Best of luck to you x

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 15/02/2017 18:16

@user99009960546 - I think the advice previous posters have given you is good.

However, one thing leapt out at me from your OP - the bit about your dd emptying cleaning products out of the cupboard. Does this mean that your cupboards don't have child locks on them?

You either need to make sure that any cupboards and drawers containing hazardous things (cleaning chemicals, knives etc) have proper child locks on them, or you need to relocate all these things to high cupboards, well out of her reach (and even this is not a particularly good solution, as she could, in time, climb up to those cupboards).

Marmalade85 · 15/02/2017 18:21

Your child's life is at risk by being left alone with her father and you're not protecting her by allowing it to happen. I'm currently going through the courts and they take child protection extremely seriously. Get evidence for all of your claims against him and do not leave your DD alone with him. Good luck OP

Marmalade85 · 15/02/2017 18:24

And by 'allowing' I mean that you knowingly leave your daughter in the care of someone you know abuses alcohol and is incapable of meeting her needs and therefore you knowingly put her at risk.

Ouisophie · 15/02/2017 19:33

Can you speak to a solicitor who specialises in family law? Most of them give you a free 30 minute appointment and if you go prepared with all your questions written in advance you can get a lot of advice in that time. I'm going through similar so I can empathise and I wish you well

Ouisophie · 15/02/2017 19:34

Otherwise Google an organisation called 'rights of women', they give free legal advice over the phone.

Original poster
user99009960546 · 15/02/2017 20:24

STGDisaEvilWolfeGenius
Just to clarify I don't have cupboards locks, the kitchen has a gate on door not allowing dd in unattended as he likes to try and climb Nd access everything she shouldn't, he just chooses to leave gate open while he sits on sofa ignoring her on his phone, I tend to stay upstairs and listen out pop head down often and remind him, occasionally he will take her out, walk to park, and over last 2 years think he has taken her swimming/soft play 4 times, most the time I can tell he is struggling and tends to sit on sofa or if gets the chance lays under a cover.... this was always a favourite of his when hanging

OP posts:
Original poster
user99009960546 · 15/02/2017 20:28

But that you all for advise I will be contacting my health visitors again tomorrow after rereading the email a few times I think it's clear he is just trying to scare me and get me agree to what he wants, justvtge way it's wording and highlight in large letter things like the following

IF IT GOES TO COURT BE AWEARE I WILL GET EVERYTHING I WANT! Alternative Xmas, holidays, every other weekend at mine etc

he also has highlighted in it that he has cc the email to someone at local family services, when I gave them a call earlier to discuss email and rights turns out that person doesn't exist Hmm

OP posts:
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