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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or is dds friends mum re kids home alone.

47 replies

TheTartOfAsgard · 13/02/2017 18:25

Hi.

I live in a small village. No childcare for over 11's.
I have dd 13.5 and ds 12.

For context, twice a week I don't finish work until 7pm so dc come home from school, play Xbox do homework etc until I get in (work 5 mins away)
They've been doing this since they were 11 and 12.

Yesterday I wanted to go shopping to look at prams (I'm 24+2). nearest shopping centre about half hour away near DPs house. Dc didn't want to come so I left them at home from 10am til about 5pm. They didn't get up til about 12pm, had lunch, then went on phones and pc.

My dd was on a Skype call with her friend and mentioned I was shopping with DP, her friends mum heard and went ape shit and started shouting that it was against the law and that she was telling the school that I was neglecting them, and was asking dd lots of questions that made her feel uncomfortable. Dd got really upset and when I got home half hour later was in tears.

I am so angry with this woman - her dd is wrapped in cotton wool, has never played out or gone to a sleepover, never been to the corner shop on her own and is driven the 2 minutes to school and back.

My dd is still upset - she's ignored her friends messages and won't talk to her in case she gets the 3rd degree again.
I don't know whether to confront this woman. I've never met her and feel that going round all guns blazing (which is what I feel like doing) will only make the situation worse. I'm tempted to just ignore her but feel I should at least say something to her about the way she spoke to my dd, and tell her to keep her nose out of my business.

Fwiw my dc are both mature for their age. Dd is first aid trained and I trust them both implicitly. Dd even babysits for my 7 year old nephew 10-4 every other Saturday for some pocket money while my sister goes to work, and she's now Panicking that it's against the law and she doesn't want to do anything wrong.

Any tips on how I should deal with this parent, and also my dds worries? We looked on the nspcc website together but there are no official guidelines so I don't have anything in black and white to show her.

Thanks

OP posts:

Buzzardbird · 13/02/2017 19:09

How ridiculous. Good on you for keeping your cool.

Ionlywantedapony · 13/02/2017 19:12

My 12 and 14 year old come home to an empty house while I'm out picking younger ones up from primary school. They're quite capable of looking after themselves at that age.
I think reassuring your daughter is really the only thing you can do. The woman obviously has very different ideas to most rational parents and I doubt she'll listen to you if you confront her.

bringonyourwreckingball · 13/02/2017 19:13

Caring responsibilities for a much younger child? He's 12 not 6. I leave my 11 year old for a while, we're working up from about an hour to a bit more as she starts secondary in September and will have to let herself in.
Parenting is partly about helping them learn responsibility and become adults. Ok I probably wouldn't leave 2 kids that age for quite that long but you know your own children.

TheTroutofNoCraic · 13/02/2017 19:13

I definitely had a front door key from about 9 or 10 and we got home from school at least two hours before my parents. Depends on the maturity level of the child but I think a secondary age child is old enough to be home alone

Hotwaterbottle1 · 13/02/2017 19:13

I've been feeling guilty leaving my almost 13yo with my 16yo so I feel so much better reading this. I feel it's very much down to the child and yours seem perfectly able & happy. I would not confront the mum but just ignore, you have done nothing wrong.

WeddingsAreStressful · 13/02/2017 19:13

She's ridiculous and screaming at a child like that is extremely inappropriate. However, I don't think you should approach her at all. She genuinely sounds unhinged and you don't want you or your DD to be her new target of abuse. Just leave it alone and tell DD she doesn't have to talk to anyone she doesn't want to or be friends with that girl anymore.

Original poster

TheTartOfAsgard · 13/02/2017 19:14

Dd said she didn't answer any questions and told the woman that she could have my phone number if she wanted to talk to me. (Which she obviously didn't as she refused to take it.)

Afaik, The school are aware they stay home when I'm at work - they tried to reach me at home before when they found my ds's coat he'd lost and ds gave them my work number, so I'm not particularly worried about that aspect. I've always felt confident about them being home alone, which they both enjoy, and try to encourage them to be independent. I work for a holiday resort and they both have the opportunity to come to work with me and do the activities there (archery, climbing walls, forest survival skills etc) which they sometimes do but they prefer to do their own thing, which is their choice!

Thanks for your replies. I've spoken to dd and she's happy and doesn't feel like she's in the wrong (and agrees with pp who called the woman 'bonkers'!)

OP posts:

dailymaillazyjournos · 13/02/2017 19:18

Wow! That sounds totally OTT considering the ages of your DC! And if this woman had any concerns it was for her to talk to you about it not your DD!

In some other European countries you see children of around 8 walking to school and back without an adult. And it's not unusual for children under 10 to be home alone after school for a few hours until an adult comes home. I think we overdo the supervision here at times.

SpiritedLondon · 13/02/2017 19:22

wreckingball I was referring to the 7 year old not the 12 year old

paxillin · 13/02/2017 19:26

Secondary school aged children travel through big cities to school, by tube or bus, including changes. I would drop her a line regarding her inappropriate conduct on Skype, verbally threatening a young teenager though.

Willow2016 · 13/02/2017 19:30

She sounds unhinged!

Tell your dd that its all fine and the woman is batshit crazy and doesnt know a thing about the law (ok tell her she is wrong on everything she said)
There is no law about what age you can leave your kids. If they are mature enough then thats your call not anyone elses.

Tell her if her friend ever says anything tell her to butt out and mind her own business, there is nothing wrong with what you did and her mum is totaly wrong and she wont discuss it further.

I pity her dd if she isnt allowed to even walk 2 minutes to school at 13y old! Round here they walk home from about 9/10!

isadoradancing123 · 13/02/2017 19:31

Woman is totally out of order, in any case why would it be schools problem.

Willow2016 · 13/02/2017 19:32

TBH I would be dropping her a message about not talking to your dd ever again and about threatening her over Skype.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 13/02/2017 19:37

You've done absolutely nothing wrong. The other woman is a complete idiot. They are perfectly old enough to be left along by themselves for a few hours after school. I don't know of any after school clubs or holiday clubs in my town which take kids of secondary school age, let alone a village. They may exist somewhere, but are rarer than hen's teeth. The inference being they aren't needed for most kids over the age of 11 unless there is some particular reason why they would need extra support. (Eg. If they have special needs or behavioural difficulties.)

Original poster

TheTartOfAsgard · 13/02/2017 19:43

spirited my sister lives in an annexe on her in laws farm. They're home when she babysits and would gladly look after him but it was just a way for dd to earn money and build independence.

OP posts:

SparklyUnicornPoo · 13/02/2017 20:10

Dd said she didn't answer any questions and told the woman that she could have my phone number if she wanted to talk to me.

Nicely handled, well done.

MammaTJ · 13/02/2017 20:16

The only contact I would have with this woman would be to tell her to fill her boots and report you to whoever she feels fit.

They will laugh in her face!

Same as happened when my friends ex decided to report her for leaving her 4 children, youngest 7, eldest 15 at the time, home alone while she worked night shifts. They asked him what he was prepared to do to help, if he was really concerned, then told him that the eldest really was old enough to look after the younger ones all night!

Original poster

TheTartOfAsgard · 13/02/2017 20:50

I think I'm just going to leave it. Dd doesn't want me to speak with the mum. She said she feels embarrassed that she got upset but she thinks the woman is a nut job and just wants to forget it. I said they could both come to work with me tomorrow but they want to stay home - dd is learning guitar and wants to practice and ds's friend is coming round for an 'epic' nerf battle so that's that then. Thank you for your replies and support 😀

OP posts:

JustDanceAddict · 13/02/2017 20:58

There's no law - it'll but parents are legally culpable if anything goes wrong ilwgen under 16s are left alone. I was def left at home in my own from about age 12 in the day. I leave DCs who are nearly 13 & 14.5 with no issues now. I've been leaving DD on her own all working day since she was riding 14.

helpfulperson · 13/02/2017 20:59

How your daughters responsed to this women has more than demonstrated that she is mature enough and sensible enough to be left alone.

38cody · 13/02/2017 22:11

I wouldn't ignore it. You need to let her know that it is not illegal, that your children are mature and being guided to cope in the world and that the only trauma was inflicted by her. It's ridiculous to not leave them at their age, esp when they have each other and can get you on a mobile.
She is being overly protective and will do her DC no favours.YANBU

emmyrose2000 · 14/02/2017 00:33

I'd be more concerned about the other mother's parenting TBH. She's not doing her child any favours by keeping her wrapped in cotton wool for as long as she has (and most likely will in the future). It doesn't sound as though her DD has any life skills.

In an emergency, it sounds like your children would know what to do, whereas hers wouldn't have a clue and could end up in real trouble. Your DD's response of not answering the harrassment and telling her to call you was spot on, and a very mature response.

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