Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get upset about this - baby comments related?

27 replies

Helen0fSparta · 13/02/2017 08:00

Serial name changer, first time poster in AIBU. Be gentle.

Dh has left me. We were ttc at the time. Since then I had various people tell me that I had a lucky escape with the whole baby thing. It's 'not worth it', 'you lose sleep', your 'social life dies'. There seems to be a real atmosphere at work to upstage other mothers in terms of 'parental suffering'. Yet, all these women went on to have second babies. One woman, who was actually pregnant at the time, told me 'uh don't be a mother, it's too stressful' when I confided in her that I am anxious to never have my own family now that dh had left me.

AIBU that this is getting me down?

(Deep down I know I am and that parenthood is stressful, but why do they have more children then? Also, I want all this for myself and might be over-sentive.)

OP posts:
flumpybear · 13/02/2017 08:06

I feel for you, but perhaps it's just not your time ...but it will be. How old are you? Are you confident enough to get back to dating yet?
Kids aren't that hard- lack of sleep is a killer and your life dynamics change but you'll enjoy it when it's your turn, and it will be Flowers

BarbarianMum · 13/02/2017 08:09

YANBU to want to be a mother. On the other hand being dumped whilst pregnant is a really miserable experience, so it's not a bad thing that you swerved that bullet. It may be that your friends are just trying to cheer you up but a lot of people do hate a love/hate relationship with motherhood (and quite a few regret having children but it's generally taboo to admit that).

Screwinthetuna · 13/02/2017 08:12

I'm guessing if people know you were ttc then they feel awkward and don't know what to say, so they are making light hearted jokes and trying to cheer you up.

How old are you? Having children is the best thing that happened to me and I never knew love existed at this strength. Sorry about your break up and I hope you have young age (even older!) on your side so can experience it yourself Flowers

Original poster
Helen0fSparta · 13/02/2017 08:14

Thank you. I know they might be trying to be helpful and cheer me up, it still stings though. I just want to shout 'give me your baby then' Sad.

I am not ready to go back to dating and won't be for a while I think. It's been six months since he walked out after 12 year relationship and I am still dealing with sorting stuff as he is refusing to cooperate in the separation.

I am 34 so I am worried that it might be too late.

OP posts:
Babbaganush · 13/02/2017 08:17

It sounds as though people men well and are trying to make you feel better by focusing on the negative aspects of parenting.
I was 36 when exdh left me - we had accepted that we would not have children, he was infertile and I also had some issues, he ruled out adoption as he didn't want to raise another man's child. He left me for a single mum with 2 children!!! It hurt like hell as I though my chance to have children was gone.
By the time I was 40 I had remarried and had 2 children, life doesn't always turn out as you plan and sometimes that is a good thing!

DontWannaBeObamasElf · 13/02/2017 08:17

I think it's just a case of trying to spare your feelings. If you're speaking to them about how upset you are about not yet having children and they sit there saying "oh yeah so you should be, it's wonderful etc etc" would that make you feel worse?

34 is not too late at all. Flowers

statetrooperstacey · 13/02/2017 08:23

I suppose in their own cackhanded way they are trying to be comforting but they've not quite 'got it' have they !
When people are saying things like ' you had a lucky escape with not having a baby' and you are thinking but I fucking wanted a baby!

If you think age is a factor ( how old are you?). Don't waste too much time on licking your wounds , get out there again, get back on your horse woman!
Plus you will be Ime doing the divorce diet, this is how it goes:

you will lose weight from stress,
You will change you hair,
You will buy new clothes,
You might cry a lot which means you wear more makeup to hide the red eyes and crippling insomnia, this also makes your eyes look massive,

You will have sparkly white eyes courtesy of the red eye drops you will have to use to counteract the above,
In short you will soon look quite hot, Grin
capitalise on this and get out and start your new life. ( I have tried to send you flowers but my phone won't let me.)

Trifleorbust · 13/02/2017 08:31

They are trying to be tactful and comforting. I think people forget that trivialising what someone has lost isn't the way you do that when he loss is heartfelt (not at all trivial) Flowers

Trifleorbust · 13/02/2017 08:32

PS: 34 isn't too late at all! There are many MN contributors who has their first at 35-40, so don't give up.

shinynewusername · 13/02/2017 08:32

What Trifle says - exactly.

DianaMemorialJam · 13/02/2017 08:35

Bloody hell. I'm so sorry that happened to you Helen Flowers

To echo a pp, they said it in a shit way but they are probably trying to say that at least a baby wasn't born into this situation and you weren't left with a newborn on your own. It's no consolation at all, but at the very least you can start fresh when you are ready and find somebody that deserves you and your love. AND somebody that will be an amazing father!

Good luck for the future Flowers

gamerwidow · 13/02/2017 08:52

People are just trying to be kind but are doing it in a clumsy way. They know you will be devastated at the loss of your marriage and potential family so are trying to soften the blow. No comfort for you still but it comes from the best of intentions.

anonbecauseiwanna · 13/02/2017 09:02

They're just trying to make you feel better in a really clumsy way.
34 is not too old.

jpclarke · 13/02/2017 09:08

34 is not too late, you have time to meet someone and have a baby. Try not to worry about that as you are putting extra pressure on yourself. And plenty of women have kids without having to be in a relationship so there is always alternatives.

Regarding all the comments you are receiving, I would just politely tell people that those comments are not helpful. Being a mother is one of the hardest jobs but also one of the most rewarding. And your want to be a mother will not go away by people trying to tell you it's hard. If it was that hard why do so many people get pregnant!! Daft comments and you need to politely tell people that.

bottomhangingout · 13/02/2017 09:12

Lots of people said this to me when exh left me when I was 32. I felt as you do now. It seemed like a terrible thing to say. I think it's because a child is something you've dreamed of and now that dream has gone. Just like your dream of a future with your ex h. You need to create new dreams.

Getting out of the marriage asap really helped me. I was able to move on and start new things. I made an effort to make my life different... even in small ways. I know you have said your ex is being difficult but keep pushing on. Small steps will get you there. You'll be a better parent once you have been through all this.

I now have 2 dd's. I had one at 38 the other at 40. It can, and does, happen. Flowers

bottomhangingout · 13/02/2017 09:13

I do get why people said it. In hindsight they were right.

toomuchtooold · 13/02/2017 09:26

People are shite about being present with someone else's grief. They think they're being helpful by getting you to "look on the bright side" but actually they're just avoiding the pain of having to witness your own pain.

Having said that, parental suffering is a thing. The lack of sleep will drive a person round the fucking bend. I had twins after 5 years of trying and 3 miscarriages and then walked straight into 6 months of crazy-making no sleep. I used to hallucinate sometimes, I had suicidal thoughts that were to do with the lack of sleep and nothing else. Them being wanted doesn't really make a dent in that, it's to do with what you can mentally and physically withstand as a human being.
Your colleagues are still idiots though.

Original poster
Helen0fSparta · 13/02/2017 09:30

Ok so I am B (a little) U - I accept that Grin. Thank you also for all your stories, they really help a lot and it's encouraging to see how many of you fell on their feet and got the life they wanted.

state, I like the look of the divorce diet!

OP posts:
Original poster
Helen0fSparta · 13/02/2017 09:32

toomuch I am sorry to hear that you had a rought time to start with; I hope things are better now! Flowers

OP posts:
Feilin · 13/02/2017 09:35

34 is not too late. Don't give up hope. Look into egg freezing if you are worried of donor sperm. There is a world of opportunity out there for you . You might meet someone tomorrow or next year. Point is never give up hope and don't let it pass you by either.

Feilin · 13/02/2017 09:35

*or . Ps lots of people have better advice than me. Hope things get better OP

statetrooperstacey · 13/02/2017 09:36

Forgot to say, I met my DH at 35 and had a baby at 37. 34 is still young enough. Best luck

Rufus27 · 13/02/2017 09:36

Something very similar happened to me at 34, OP. I think the splitting up made the 'not yet a mum' feeling so much worse, if that makes sense. I felt life was over.

The good news is that at 36 I met someone who genuinely loved me and am now, aged 45, mum to the most perfect little 9 month old boy (through adoption). If I had stayed with ex'D'P , I'd never have been as good a mum as I can try (with varied levels of success!) to be now, with someone supportive and kind.

Hang in there Flowers

Goodmum1234 · 13/02/2017 09:41

Similar happening to me Helen. I felt that I'd wasted all
My younger years and never felt so low or empty, but as a poster said above, after feeling really rubbish, you will become strong, fitter, powerful and hotter!!! I met my now husband after all the bad stuff and now have two young children, the youngest being 2. I'm in my 40s. Please don't give up. Oh and I met my husband on Times online. Good luck x

Chinnygirl · 13/02/2017 09:50

Ask them if you can have theirs then Grinthat helped with one of my colleagues.

Swipe left for the next trending thread