To think this message is just strange and to block

[ichangedmynameforthis12]

My father has been in sporadic contact with me for most of my life. To give some context, he committed marital rape and was a bit .. odd. DM said she frequently found him masturbating on the sofa once we were in bed , we had internet and cable television very early (before most people we knew) for the sole purpose of pornography.

As a child (very early 90s) there was a concern I was sexually abused by him or at risk of it. Social services were involved anyway and I know they spoke to me when I was 3 or 4. I had symptoms that suggested issues but equally might have been totally innocent. Conclusion was that he wasn't doing anything.

He has sent me texts over the last 4 years or so. They have been odd at times. He has asked me to send him pictures with a smiley face and keeps saying he wants to see me in person. Lots of kisses. I am very affectionate in general but I havent seen him in 20 years. I don't know what he means but I'm not feeling right about it and I don't think it's 'normal'.

I asked my mum, she's not very happy, and said to cut all contact. All other persons I know, his family, my family, don't want me to talk to him at all. I had to see a psychiatrist when I was 19 and I remember they were not happy with the situation.

I want to cut contact completely but I don't know how to do that. He will phone and text persistently if I do, he will send me guilt tripping stuff, emotional blackmail (I get messages about what would I do if he could no longer contact me) , all sorts. I don't know what to think or do. I don't want him in my life, I know that.

Yes block him.
Also block him on face book if he is on.
He can't contact you then.

Forgiving does not mean leaving yourself open to further mistreatment. It is perfectly OK to tell someone 'I forgive you and genuinely wish you the best, but I don't want further contact with you'. In your father's case though he sounds a bit stalkery. I'd just block him and not give him any contact at all otherwise he'll know that if he contacts you 30 or 40 times he will get through to you. You need to send the message that it doesn't matter how often he attempts to contact you, you won't respond.

His siblings have known him a lot longer than you have and they don't want anything to do with him. Neither does your mother. Why are you trusting his assessment of the situation over theirs?

I would have said to simply block him, but as you've texted him befor, I'd send one last text, saying that you do not want him to contact you ever again, in any way and that you're going to block all contact today. And then do it.

Never forget what he's capable of. You are totally better off without his malign influence in your life.

If police involvement is required, the last text you sent shows that you have asked him to stop. Otherwise, he could state he didn't know he was doing anything wrong? So, it's important that the text is sent.

I have had to take out a non-molestation order myself after a harassment warning was ignored. The order, gives the power of arrest.

Blocking someone isn't always enough.

I went NC, only for the person to drive 350 miles through the night and wait outside my home. I had to take extraordinary measures to make him stop.

I was sexually abused by my brother in law when 14- I have forgiven him AFTER going to the police and getting justice, AND on the basis that forgiveness is to free the survivor, not make the abuser feel better, and on the basis that forgiving someone does NOT mean accepting them back in your life, Block him OP.

Why / how has he got your number?

Forgiveness is a process you go through to heal yourself. You do it because not forgiving damages you because of all the hate and other negative emotions you bottle up and carry around. It's got fuck all to do with them.
You forgive yourself because this is not your fault.You forgive them because this is who they are and cannot change and it's pointless to hate them as it sucks valuable energy out of your life you could use being happy. However, you never, ever forget. That is minimising, that is denial, that is an abuser hoping the silence he is trying to coerce will allow him to continue to be abusive and get his little power trips by diminishing you.

There is no benefit to you in maintaining contact. There is only the danger that he will try to emotionally abuse, manipulate and gain power over you for his own ends. Therefore you think of him on that level, a predator, a danger to keep away from. What I mean is, you wouldn't feel sorry for a shark if you didn't go in the water. Why would you feel sorry that you didn't give a shark the opportunity to bite you? Don't feel sorry for him. The manipulation is part of his hunting behaviour and it's all about him getting his next meal (power trip from abusing someone).
What makes it even more difficult is people, unlike sharks don't come with a set of dead eyes and razor sharp teeth. They come saying this is what love is and get you trapped in a web of FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) that is very difficult to see through.

Yes, forgive ...to heal yourself and then block and try to forget HIM!!

This has made me feel so relieved, I will send him a message explaining I wish him all the best in life but I am not comfortable with close contact and wish for it to stop. It isn't helping me at all, there's no benefit to me.

I think on some level I have always worried about my mum as she does not keep good health , and I have always wished for a second, stable parent figure but I don't need my father to fulfil that role.

He has my mobile number as I emailed him back once a few years ago and that email had my mobile number on its automated signature. He texted me that day and hasn't stopped since then.

I believe in forgiveness - BUT that is not about letting someone continue to abuse you. It is about being healthy to yourself by letting go of resentment. It doesn't mean forgetting they hurt you and how (or could hurt you).

For example: if a dog bit me, I would not seek revenge but I would make sure that dog couldn't bite me or anyone else again, I might even understand the dog had been mistreated in the past - but that is no reason for me to try to "love" it or reform it.

Similarly you should stay well away from your "Father", block his number and if he persists then get your number changed. If he seems in anyway to be stalking you contact the police, you can get legal injunctions to protect you.

And make good friends, and other connections - these will be your support network.

Good for you OP, do what's right for you, and don't look back.

Oh, and you don't need to justify how or why he has your number, at all.