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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have taken this so personally?

25 replies

Greatstuff · 11/02/2017 21:08

I am aware that posting about facebook is pretty ridiculous from a fully grown mother of two but I am pretty upset by this and after speaking with DH I wonder if IABU?

I very rarely use fb, more of a tool for keeping in touch with family and distant friends, i dont have a huge number of 'friends' there. Just after Christmas I noticed that one of DH cousins (J) defriended me but was still friends with all other family. J has a history of being odd with me, years ago he went through a spell of ignoring me at family get together soon but one day started speaking again and 10 years later I thought all was well. We're not close but see each other through family a few times a year and I used to 'like' updates about his son etc. So I mentioned it to my very laid back DH who suggested it might be a mistake and said not to worry. I didn't give it another thought till today. DH happened to mention a family wedding happening next month, and we spoke about some tension between some of the guests and I said it would be interesting to see if J spoke to me. DH mentioned that he'd actually unfriended J a couple of weeks ago as he had given it a bit of thought and maybe J was up to his odd behaviour with me and couldn't be bothered with it all again all these years later. Apparently J had messaged DH last week to ask why he has unfriended him but DH didn't reply to him. Anyway, we've had a busy day today and haven't spoken about it again till we saw each other this evening. DH said he did reply today to J to say the reason he deleted him was because he deleted me with no explanation so he didn't think he needed to give him an explanation either. To which J replied to say 'I've had a clear out of friends it was nothing personal' and DH replied to say of course I'd take it personally if I was the ONLY family member to be deleted, how on earth could I not take it personally. J said he didn't mean it personally and it's been left like that.
Now, I'm well aware this sounds pathetic and well done if you've made it this far, but I'm hurt by this as clearly he has got an issue with me and nobody else. We've not got the kind of relationship where I could have just messaged J myself and asked him really, it's always been a bit distant, but I can't help but take it personally that for some reason he dislikes me enough to delete me. And I'm concerned it's going to awkward at the wedding when I see him now. DH says I shouldn't worry and that he clearly has his reasons but AIBU to take it to heart and wonder what on earth I've done? Should I just let it go?

OP posts:

Gizlotsmum · 11/02/2017 21:12

Maybe if you don't use Facebook often then he deleted you as you didn't really interact on it? I have deleted people whom I don't really receive likes or comments from and taken myself off of people's that I don't like/ interact with...

ihatethecold · 11/02/2017 21:15

I think he was a bit mean to delete you but your DH has shown that he has your back and that's what matters.
Forget about J.

GVmama · 11/02/2017 21:17

Could it be that he disagrees with some of the stuff that you post? I know I ditched a few people during the whole Brexit debacle because I didn't agree with their views, do you just post personal stuff or do you get a bit political sometimes?

Chloe84 · 11/02/2017 21:18

I can see why you're hurt, but I think you need to put this aside and try not to worry. J is really inconsequential to your life.

What's great is that DH backed you up totally. So many times you read about men who are blind to their family's faults.

It's funny how there was nothing 'personal' about J defriending you but he took your DH unfriending him personally.

I've been off Facebook for 5 years and barely miss it!

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 11/02/2017 21:21

Your dh has stirred this all up and the two of you sound unbelievably self absorbed.

You said yourself you don't have the kind of relationship where you message yet you expect to remain on the friend list? I think given that, J's explanation and the fact there was a non-falling out 10 years ago, the grown up thing to do if you want to repair relations is for your dh to either apologize for being a twit or if you want to keep it Facebook related you could both send him friend requests.

But seriously, grow a thicker skin and grow up a bit. It will make life much more bearable.

purplemunkey · 11/02/2017 21:23

We've not got the kind of relationship where I could have just messaged J myself and asked him

TBH this says it all, I'm not FB friends with anyone I wouldn't feel confortable messaging directly. You're not friends so why be FB 'friends'. Forget about it.

Huskylover1 · 11/02/2017 21:25

My god, who cares tho? You sound about 12 years old. And I mean that nicely. You are WAY WAY over thinking this. Fuck J. This is mental!

Derlei · 11/02/2017 21:30

If you only have to see him a few times a later then don't worry about it. When you see him say hello, be civil and talk to other family members. Like the pp says, he is inconsequential

Derlei · 11/02/2017 21:30

*a year, not later

SerialCerealKiller · 11/02/2017 21:31

Completely agree with MovingOnUpMovingOnOut. Your DH acted childishly and should really apologise.
The wedding won't be too awkward if you don't make it so. Say hello to him and ask him how he is like you would any other family member.

SaucyJack · 11/02/2017 21:31

You do all sound about 12.

But TBF..... J did start it.

AYankinSpanx · 11/02/2017 21:41

And I mean that nicely. You are WAY WAY over thinking this. Fuck J. This is mental

Husky, I totally agree with the sentiment, but I'd love to read an opinion of yours that don't mean nicely

Original poster

Greatstuff · 11/02/2017 21:42

I'm well aware how pathetic it all sounds! I'm pregnant and hormonal which probably doesn't help as my anxiety levels are sky high lately which I think is probably why I wasn't bothered before so much but moreso now.
I log onto facebook quite infrequently really and I don't post much, last post was in October to update photos of DD1 birthday party for relatives who couldn't make it but that's all really, I do comment on other family members posts but that's the extent of my interaction.
There's a little more behind J and why I don't think it's appropriate for me to message him directly, which probably would make more sense if i had explained but honestly I'm just going to stop thinking about it and let the pregnancy hormones die down, clearly if I'm not crying at the drop of a hat I'm taking great offence and really stupid things!

OP posts:

AYankinSpanx · 11/02/2017 21:46

Well taken OP. FB is shite for messing with people's heads.

ButtonMooooon · 11/02/2017 21:54

I removed my MIL from my FB list during a mass clear out of people I knew didn't use it and it was mentioned in passing on purpose several months later. She had "just" noticed. I said how often do you use FB and she said that's the first time I've been on in about 6 months and I just said well why do you care then

DoJo · 11/02/2017 21:56

J clearly knows that unfriending someone can be a contentious issue as he has taken it up with your husband when he was on the receiving end of the same behaviour. It sounds like he has got a problem with you, but he also sounds like a bellend, so instead of worrying about what that problem is, focus on why on earth you are wasting head-space on his silly little games and how best to put him out of your mind.

ThePinkOcelot · 11/02/2017 21:59

This all seems totally juvenile to me. It's Facebook. Seriously, do people actually care about this kind of shit?!

SuperFlyHigh · 11/02/2017 22:07

I used to care about FB, then I got a life.

Seriously if this is bothering you that much that's a worry in itself. You and DH both sound like drama queens, do you want there to be an atmosphere at this wedding or what?! and if so shall I get popcorn and a deckchair ready?!

pictish · 11/02/2017 22:07

I think it's as he says...not personal. He probably thinks you're hardly on it, don't interact with him much and he wanted to pare down his list.
I trim my friends list the same way tbh.
Don't worry about it. He's nothing to you really.

pictish · 11/02/2017 22:46

Even if it is a bit personal and he isn't fond for some reason...meh. He's your dh's cousin who you only see because circumstances bring you together occasionally. He doesn't feature so I wouldn't be losing any sleep over it.

biggles50 · 12/02/2017 00:41

J sounds a bit odd, ignoring you in the past at get togethers and now he's deleted you from Facebook. You'll be fine at the wedding, make a point of searching him out and joke about he didn't manage to delete you in real life. Don't over think it, accept that families have weirdos, ours certainly does.

pictish · 12/02/2017 11:31

So does mine. My bil and his wife are both mildly insane. She messaged me once to accuse me of brainwashing the family against her. As I have never discussed her with any of them, this came as a surprise to me. When I replied inquiring as to wtf, they both blocked me.
Bil has form for being bizarre but I don't really know his dw. Seems like a match made in heaven.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 12/02/2017 11:35

I honestly don't know why you care (I don't mean that in a horrible way, just genuinely why do you care?) He isn't someone you speak to or have any real relationship with so it actuall6 has no bearing on your life whatsoever.

gamerwidow · 12/02/2017 11:39

Some people get really precious about Facebook. My dsis defriends everyone who doesn't like every single picture she posts. I have a cousin who defriends me about 3 times a year if she thinks I haven't been paying enough attention to her It says more about him then it does about you I'd give it no more thought.

Cherrysoup · 12/02/2017 12:48

Honestly, ignore. I've got my db and sil on there, no other family. My df requested me, I accepted then deleted the following day. I prefer him to hear my news direct rather than through FB.

It's barely worth thinking about. I don't understand some of my younger friends who have hundreds of 'friends' on there. I've got about 80 people I actually know.

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