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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To TTC number 5 at my age

98 replies

number5isalive · 11/02/2017 12:31

Hello everyone. Looking for some advice as I am so confused, and have been for about a year now!

I will try to keep this short. I have 4 lovely children, aged 9 down to 2 and a half. Very blessed to have conceived them all easily with no miscarriages in between.

DH and I were unsure about number 5, mainly due to logistics (how to fit them all in the car!!). But we decided to go for it and spent most of last year trying.

Unfortunately, we were quite aware of my age (I turned 40 last year) and kept setting ourselves deadlines - like another 3 months, or must give birth by age 41, or end of year, etc - which I can see now was probably a bit silly as it was too much pressure.

Anyway, we did manage to conceive in November, but then I suffered my first ever miscarriage. It was very early on, thankfully, but heartbreaking nonetheless as you get ahead of yourself and imagine the little one joining the family.

Since then I have been torn. I still have this lingering yearning for number 5, but I am also terrified of something going wrong. I will be 41 in May and I know the odds of something bad happening increase as you age. The logistics side of things bothers me less now and I know my kids will all get enough attention, but I am just so afraid of a later miscarriage or worse. If I had a crystal ball and could see the pregnancy would be trouble-free, I would go for it without hesitation. If only!

So, AIBU to be too afraid to try again and to think it's time to say our family is complete?

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

soupmaker · 11/02/2017 13:08

I had DC2 a week before I was 43. Only you and your DH can decide what is right for your family. I had 2 MC after DC1 and DC2 really was the last chance as I knew I couldn't keep trying if I had another MC.

BlueClearSkies · 11/02/2017 13:10

I was in a similar situation. At 42, we wanted a third. I mc at 13 weeks. We did not ttc after but did not use contraception either. I became pregnant after a few months, then mc again at 9 weeks.

As much as I wanted another, I could not cope with the recurring mc. So at 44 we decided that enough was enough.

perfectpanda · 11/02/2017 13:13

I wanted a 3rd around your age. Got pregnant easily but then miscarried 3 times. So felt enough was enough and stopped tying around 41 and came to terms with sticking with 2 dc. And here I am, now 44, and 22 weeks pregnant. So to me you seem very young! Btw doctors keeping close eye on me but don't seem too bothered about my age...

Original poster

number5isalive · 11/02/2017 13:13

MatildaTheCat , thanks for your input.
I would have screening and we would have to see what that would bring. Would be heartbreaking to make a difficult decision, but I think I would have to put my older kids first. Awful choice to make, though.
Twins would be hard, but doable.
I work from home in my own business so no worries on that front.
And the births were all good. First was hardest as I was in hospital and had a PPH, but the last 3 were simple home births.

OP posts:

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 11/02/2017 13:13

Only you can know what you can cope with, and at what point you say enough. If I were you and really thought I had one more in me I'd just not use any contraception and see what happened.
I decided to go for one last one but unfortunately had 4 m/c before I got there. Still worth it though.

showmeislands · 11/02/2017 13:14

I would stop at the 4 you already have. You don't know for certain that longing for a baby would even necessarily go away after one more. You could still end up wanting number 6! And it does go without saying the more children you have, the less attention and one-to-one time you can provide for each of them. And that's assuming there's not any disability to factor in - the increased risk of disability would definitely deter me personally. My mum is the eldest of six. The first five were healthy. The sixth child was born with spina bifida and the impact on all of her siblings was huge, as their mother's attention was necessarily focused on the child with the most needs. Bringing another child into the family when you have 4 already, I think it should really to be about what is likely to be best for the family as a whole, not just what you feel like you want. I.e. Would your children benefit from a 5th sibling, or does the possibility of detriment outweigh. Worth considering what would be the potential pros/cons to them.

thethoughtfox · 11/02/2017 13:14

Have you asked your children what they want? Might help make your mind up.

Original poster

number5isalive · 11/02/2017 13:15

Thanks for all of the other replies in between - I can't keep up! It's very useful to hear people's experiences and thoughts.

OP posts:

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 11/02/2017 13:16

I wouldn't ask children if I should get pregnant or not, its not their decision!

Original poster

number5isalive · 11/02/2017 13:16

I have asked my children, yes. They have been excited at the idea of another little one. They adore their little sister. So cute!

OP posts:

diddl · 11/02/2017 13:21

I think that my fear of things going wrong again would stop me tbh.

The realisation that things can actually go wrong would be such a shock.

Olympiathequeen · 11/02/2017 13:22

Obviously you are aware of the far higher risk of having a child with a genetic disorder, such as Down's syndrome? Also miscarriage or a difficult birth? If you have thought this through and have a plan on how you will react if one of the above occurs, then it's entirely up to you. Just don't go into this blindfolded.

EweAreHere · 11/02/2017 13:27

You have 4 healthy children. I would call it a day.

Bloopbleep · 11/02/2017 13:31

I kept extending the ttc deadline. Im due to give birth two weeks before my 42nd birthday. This has been far easier then my first pregnancy 8years ago, altho the constant online negativity has pissed me off. I haven't had that in real life btw. Everything tested was low risk, no apparent anomalies on scans and que sera for what the future brings. There are no guarantees of future good health or no disabilities for people of any age. If you want another baby and your body can give you one then go for it but don't become obsessed with ttc as it can really get you down. It's true it gets harder as you get older but pre-the pill the average age of women having their last baby was said to be 42

Allthewaves · 11/02/2017 14:00

We stopped at 3 becuase my fear of having a child with a disability would impact massively on our whole family. I felt I was being selfish to want a 4th as my dc have siblings, a 4th wold have been for me

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 11/02/2017 14:09

If you want another baby, go for it. I had my last baby at 39. Had all the screening as we would have gone for termination if there had been any serious problems. Everything was great and I'm so glad I had him. If I'd known then what I know now I think I'd probably have had another.

Only you know what your heart desires.

haveacupoftea · 11/02/2017 14:19

List making can help. Looks to me like your reasons for are:

You want it and feel your family isnt complete.

And for not are:

What other people think
Being a bit scared
No room in the car

To me you have to go with what you truly want. Illness and risk in pregnancy are well managed by our fabulous NHS. Other people can mind their own business, only you know when your family is complete. Sell your car and get a people carrier.

worlybear · 11/02/2017 14:25

I had my 5th child at 43. Went to London for tests during pregnancy and she was absolutely fine.

wettunwindee · 11/02/2017 14:39

I wouldn't.

The risks of the child having issues is too high. By the time that's mixed in with a later-term miscarriage and of course complications with me having bearing on the rest of the family, I think it's best to count your blessings and call it a day.

You've 4 healthy, happy children. I wonder if my gut feeling (as I've no real life experience to base this on) would be different if you were trying for a first.

You're in the classic stage with a 2 1/2 year old where you forget just how much hard work they were and begin to think about another. Remember, they're real buggers under 24 months!

OptimisticSix · 11/02/2017 14:42

We have five between us and I sometimes feel we stopped too soon. But we took permanent measures so for us there is no question. Obviously the risks do increase with age but honestly no pregnancy is risk free so if you want another why not keep trying xxx

Ellisandra · 11/02/2017 14:48

I wouldn't.
I would definitely feel it was time to "quit whilst ahead".
I don't think you can say that 5 will complete your family, how can you know you won't want a sixth? So you have to deal with the cut off emotions at some point.
Four is enough.

I'm one of 5

tiredofhavingtothinkofnewnames · 11/02/2017 14:51

I think that 4 children is more than enough for 2 people to bring into the world.

I think that global overpopulation is an issue that you should also consider.

Original poster

number5isalive · 11/02/2017 14:53

FWIW, I definitely know I don't want 6. Our house/car/finances would not stretch that far. This would be the last, for sure. And it would be nice to go into the pregnancy being sure of that so I could savour every moment.
But maybe I should quilt whilst ahead.

OP posts:

Original poster

number5isalive · 11/02/2017 14:54

Should add that 6 would be okay if it was twins! I just mean I wouldn't deliberately set out to have a 6th baby after number 5. Wish I had the same clarity on number 5 as I did/do on 4 and 6. I had no hesitation going for number 4 and I know I don't want number 6. Why is 5 such a dilemma???

OP posts:

Original poster

number5isalive · 11/02/2017 14:55

I think that 4 children is more than enough for 2 people to bring into the world.

I think that global overpopulation is an issue that you should also consider.

Re this: I said I don't want to debate this in the light of family size. I am talking about mc/stillbirth/disability risks only. There are plenty of families who have no children/one child, so us having 4 or 5 makes no difference and at least they are all caring and considerate kids who will make a positive impact on the world.

OP posts:

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