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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should dp take day off if I'm sick?

40 replies

Winniethepooer · 11/02/2017 09:49

I'm really sick. This is very rare for me. Last time i was ill was Christmas 2015.

We have 4dc. 2 middle dc are ASD/ADHD. Youngest dc is 3. So a handful.

I'm almost in tears waiting for all the pain killers to kick in so i can sort dc.

No one to help. No family or friends so im here til about 8pm regardless.

The boys do not watch films, do duvet days anything calm like that!

AIBU to expect dp to take a day off if I'm too ill to care for our dc?
Or do i need to belt up & get in with it?

OP posts:

yumyumpoppycat · 11/02/2017 10:31

if its not a small company he probably would have been able to take parental leave especially if he doesnt take much sick time? What was his reason for saying no?

Megatherium · 11/02/2017 10:34

Yes, he should have taken time off.

Off the point, but if your 6 year old is only in school for two hours a day both the school and local authority are acting unlawfully as he is entitled to full time education. I would suggest you contact SOS SEN to find out how to deal with that.

Icallbullshit3 · 11/02/2017 10:34

Without a shadow of a doubt. Yes I think he should have

Mrsglitterfairy · 11/02/2017 10:37

Yeah I agree. I was really poorly with a gastric bug a few years ago and my DH took the afternoons off work as holiday so he could pick the dcs up from school and look after them

AndNowItsSeven · 11/02/2017 10:44

Yes , he is being so selfish.

Original poster

Winniethepooer · 11/02/2017 10:53

Thanks. The school thing is in hand. Its like history repeating itself. Been there, done that, got the school needed.

I would have to give up work if we seperate. I would end up on benefits on my own. I've tried it & its bloody hard.

We have seperated only last year. I took him back. But i shouldn't have. But circumstances are so difficult.

I've suggested i leave or 50/50 custody on a number of occasions!

OP posts:

Cornettoninja · 11/02/2017 11:01

Christ that sounds so hard for you, you must feel like you're taking a beating at the best of times never mind when you're ill

Ignore if you're not in the mood for well meant but clueless suggestions, but is it worth approaching a local college to see if there is anyone on their childcare/educational courses who would be interested in a few hours helping you out here and there as a mothers help? Not as good as a complete break but at least you wouldn't have to spread yourself so thinly?

Writerwannabe83 · 11/02/2017 11:07

Oh OP - your DH should definitely have taken time off. My husband is a teacher and we only have one son but he's still taken days off in the past when I've been too unwell to look after him myself. If we had 4 children, two with SEN, there's no way he'd leave me to cope on my own if I was ill.

Your husband sounds really selfish and it must be hard living with someone that you feel doesn't give a shit.

Are you supposed to be in work this afternoon? I hope not

How is he with the children in general when you're at work and he's alone with them?

GatoradeMeBitch · 11/02/2017 11:09

Of course he should be there. They are his children too. He sounds like another twat who thinks anything domestic is nothing to do with him.

Remember how you are feeling now when you're well again. If this man has no interest in being part of a family unit, why should he get all the perks of one?

KingMortificadosMistress · 11/02/2017 11:13

I'd say no myself but subject to two points

he should help to make alternative arrangements for childcare/help for you.

and the "no" does slightly depend on his job.

If he is a neurosurgeon with scheduled operations, definitely not. His work responsbilities take priority. He can't just leave people who may be about to die and have waited for an operation in the lurch just to look after children - when it's easy to find someone to pay to do that job.

On the other hand if his job is one where the responsiblities he has are easily covered at little additional expense or serious damage to others (including costs - so a lawyer about to start a trial not turning up will cost lots of other parties lots of money too), it's less of an issue.

The more responsiblity he has at work, the less reasonable it is to expect him to take a day off to help you.

I would say the same the other way round too - if the question was asked by a man about his wife.

That's not to say the well partner can just swan off to work though, they should arrange childcare/help for you - even if that means paying for it.

Original poster

Winniethepooer · 11/02/2017 11:21

Thanks for the reply...
Appreciate them.

OP posts:

booklooker · 11/02/2017 12:26

The venom and hatred in your posts says there is no future in your relationship.

happypoobum · 11/02/2017 12:31

Yes of course he should have taken dependents leave.

Why did you take him back? Was it for financial reasons? I am not judging you, the situation you describe sounds bloody awful and I have no idea what I would do.

When you say you have nobody to help, is that because there is nobody? Nobody where you live? Or they are nearby and just won't help?

I am wondering if you could move nearer friends and family and start again? I suspect he would agree to 50/50 in order to not have to pay you any maintenance and then would have excuse after excuse as to why he couldn't actually have them..............

I hope you feel better soon. When he gets in you stay in bed and don't get up.

Original poster

Winniethepooer · 12/02/2017 01:05

Its not be venom and hatred (ok maybe a bit of hatred book its hurt and dispair.

I took dp back last year as he has noone. No family or friends. A job he doesn't enjoy. I felt i owed it to him to try yet again.

I'm on rest days as i work 5 days, rest 5 days. Dp does the basics with dc when I'm working. They are all fed & put to bed.

My parents are in their 80's. I have a sister that lives a couple of hrs drive away. She has her own dc & busy job to do.

Its just the way it is.
Dp visted the dc once last year when we seperated, for 2 months.
I doubt he'd go for 50/50 custody. Hes not hands on. The boys are very difficult to manage. Dp struggles with the boys.

Its very complicated.
Its a very sad way to end up.

Thankyou for so many replies and get well wishes!

OP posts:

BorrowedHeart · 12/02/2017 13:16

You clearly hate him, so it doesn't matter what he does you will not like it. Not sure about him taking a day off work if you are ill though. I'm the opposite I get ill often and I get it hard, luckily (I guess) me and my partner don't work as we care for our youngest, if he did, I would just have to crack on with it, it's only until 1 (guessing he is home or on his way now) you really do sound like you hate him though, you say you want to split but your child requires two people to take him out, how would that work? If you feel you need to split that's fine and your choice, but, if you can't cope now how will you cope on your own? Not sure why your child having SN means he only goes to school for two hours a day, not sure if you are or not but if he getting that sorted, at least then you wouldn't feel so stressed as you would get the day time to rest. I think this is all being said out of anger and basically feeling like crap, if when you feel better you still want to sit then go ahead but it's your decision so don't blame your partner.

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