marriage doesn't come with so much as a pamphlet

[thecolonelbumminganugget]

DP and I went to the registry office this afternoon to give notice of our forthcomming marriage. The guy checked our passports, filled in the forms etc etc. We were asked to sign a declaration that we are legally capable of getting married, all fine and dandy.

However, AIBU to find it really odd that there was not so much as a 'by the way, a marriage is probably the most onerous contract you will enter into in your lifetime, we recommend that you understand the consequences of doing so and if you are unsure, please seek legal advice'?

I'm pretty anti state interference with the individual but it seems really odd that there isn't even a leaflet with a few bullet points about what being married means and advising you to seek further advice if you think you are ensure about anything.

We weren't relying on this by the way. We have looked into the consequences of being married. I just find it odd that when we took out contents insurance a couple of weeks ago the bank were very careful about going through the main terms and conditions but getting married comes with no word of caution at all. it maybe AIBU and not giving people enough credit that they fully understand what they are signing up to.

Um, you know onerous means troublesome or a burden OP? I wouldn't describe marriage as onerous!!!

Well the consequence of marriage for me is that if I want to leave it, and continue living in the home that I alone paid for, my income over the next 30-50 years will be halved. So it's extremely onerous for me. Not so much for my wife, who despite earning and saving a million pounds over a period of 20 years will be able to walk away having contributed nothing to our living expenses and taking half my retirement savings with her.

I don't dislike her enough to take the financial hit so the consequence is that I will spend most of my life living in circumstances that are worse than living alone.

I guess the women who don't find it onerous aren't the high-earners in their marriage. Or maybe they like their DH.

Some things to think about about as a couple, from a non-religious POV...,

1. Does s/he get your pension pot? How will the mortgage be split? Are you joint tenants or tenants in common?

1. Do you want him/her to be in charge of switching off the life support?

1. Yeah, that's it.

It's a lot easier to get out of a marriage than a mortgage.

I don't dislike her enough to take the financial hit
This made me laugh

I think it's a really interesting question actually - the legal implications as well as the moral, ethical and religious ones. Particularly if one or other party already owns property, their own business, financial disparity etc. I am consistently amazed how many people are clueless about basic legal issues - like there not being a common law marriage etc.

Although we are basically advising everyone to get / consider a pre nup

I wonder if the reason for this is historical in that it was his decision and she was lucky?

I completely agree OP. Even as an intelligent, well educated woman I married in my early twenties thinking I knew what that meant. It was only in my late twenties trying to divorce that I realised I had COMPLETELY UNDERESTIMATED what that meant! And before anyone scoffs, I doubt any divorcee would find it unbelievable that your average twenty-something might not grasp the legalities of unpicking a marriage - it's more complicated that you can imagine; they just think it won't happen to them!

Well being unmarried is also extremely legally significant, and whether it's more onerous than marriage will depend on the individual circumstances and POV. And yet you don't get a pamphlet when you move in with someone...

But it is true that far too many of us don't understand the nature of the legal contract that is marriage, and how it differs from cohabitation. DH and I did have pre-marriage prep classes, for a religious ceremony, and I don't recall any of this being mentioned.