Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Am I being precious?

46 replies

TheObserverOne · 09/02/2017 19:51

I'm torn so posting here for traffic.
We have a lot of family due to visit this weekend, to go to a sporting event which has been looked forward to for a very long time.
Sister in law has just text me to say that her daughter has come home from school with chicken pox today. With all the family visiting, the only person who will not be immune is DS who is 3 years old.
Now I know chicken pox isn't a particularly big deal... Everyone gets it and it's part of childhood. But the trouble is my DS has been so poorly recently with cold after cold and a lingering chesty cough for almost a month which is only now starting to clear. I'm anxious for him to catch it firstly as he's been down in the dumps recently, but also he is due to travel back with my mother to her home town 150miles away and stay there for the week. I would hate the thought of him suffering with chicken pox when I'm not there to comfort him.
So the predicament is that sister in law and family cannot get childcare for niece, and will miss the sporting event if they cannot all stay with us.
Do I let them come, as chicken pox is an inevitable part of childhood which DS will catch sooner or later... or do I tell them to stay away because I don't want him to be infected?
Obviously I would rather not have him infected, but I feel so awful at saying niece can't stay and sister in law has just text to say she's in tears and so upset

OP posts:

TheProblemOfSusan · 09/02/2017 23:04

TheEdgeofSeventeen can you get a vaccine now, even if you had to pay for it? I had it as a kid and was really miserable, and I believe it can be worse for adults (and dangerous for pregnant women? Or am I thinking of another childhood disease?)

OP, I think you ought to say no. I can't believe SIL has even asked to put a small child at risk of a horrible illness in just own home, tbh.

SleepForTheWeak · 09/02/2017 23:15

Your niece might not be infectious by the time the avarice, depending on when the first spots appeared :

"The person with chickenpox is contagious from the beginning of the illness (up to 2 days before the spots appear) until about 5 days after the first spots appear. So long as there are no new blisters or moist crusts on spots, the person will not be contagious even if there are still crusts on the skin."

TheEdgeofSeventeen · 09/02/2017 23:59

raviolidreaming I Know :( not looking forward to it but TheProblemofSusan I haven't thought of it tbh, I'm not in too regular contact w/ kids atm so didn't think - but ill look into it x

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 10/02/2017 00:11

TheEdge I've made it to 35 without ever having chicken pox, ds is almost 18 and dn is 19 and neither of them have had it either. May get it one day but it is a myth that everyone gets it. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if the reason it's so common in modern times because people think everyone gets it and therefore have pox parties or don't care about keeping kids away!

TisMeTheLadFromTheBar · 10/02/2017 00:14

Adults who have had chicken pox can get shingles so I would ask her nicely to stay away.

PurpleDaisies · 10/02/2017 00:17

Adults who have had chicken pox can get shingles so I would ask her nicely to stay away.

You can't catch shingles from chicken pox. Shingles happens when someone who has had chicken pox experiences a reawakening of the virus in one particular area of their body.

I agree that unless all the spots have scabbed over, the girl is contagious and shouldn't be going anywhere.

Wigbert · 10/02/2017 00:54

No way would I have her stay. My DS's health is much more important than an event. One of them should stay home with their DD, the other could still come.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 10/02/2017 01:00

They need to stay at home. They shouldn't be taking her to other people's homes or out & about. It's not only your DS, it's everyone else as well. People treat it like some minor inconvenience, it's not, it can & does kill.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 10/02/2017 01:00

Just say something like "I know it's such a pity, I understand you are disappointed and I know you'll understand that ds hasn't had them so if your upset at not getting to travel for x match just imagine how upset ds would feel not getting to go away with my mam if he caught them. It's just one of those things, hope x feels better soon".

A grown woman crying because she can't go to a sporting event because of her sick child is ridiculous and all she is doing is trying to manipulate you into letting her come and not giving a shit about your ds in the process so I wouldn't feel one but guilty about telling her no

YetAnotherSpartacus · 10/02/2017 01:17

The incubation period for chickenpox is 14-16 days so he won't be suffering from it while he's a away if you do decide to risk it

However, speaking from experience, you feel awful during this period, especially the last few days.

Whoever said they were 21 and had not yet got CP should realise it isn't just a childhood disease. Adults can get it.

I don't think you should let them come. The child should be at home and it's not fair on your son.

Consider paying for the vaccine for the future.

Florrieboo · 10/02/2017 01:25

You are not being precious or unreasonable. Nobody wants their 3 year old to get sick, we don't put them in situations where there is a strong chance of them getting sick. Your SIL is being unreasonable by putting you under emotional pressure. Tell them to get a hotel if they insist on coming and one of them can miss the sporting event and stay in the hotel room with her. How old is the sick child?

wonkylegs · 10/02/2017 01:34

Their child has an infectious illness, I can't believe they are considering it. Yes it's gutting to have to miss stuff when your hold is ill but it's part and parcel of being a parent.
My answer if asked such a (ridiculous) question would always be no. Would they be asking if it was D&V? You just don't subject others to the possibility of infection or take the poorly child away from home comforts unless you have to.
My eldest is vaccinated against chicken pox and his brother will be when he's old enough. Due to a screwy immune system I don't have immunity to CP and have had it multiple times (which we didn't realise was a problem until I got it for the second time) , nowadays I'm also on immunosuppression so I rely on people being sensible and keeping their infectious kids at home otherwise the consequences can be very serious. For many people CP isn't too harmful just a rather unpleasant experience which leads to the general relaxed attitude but until you get it you have no idea how they will be and for some people it can be serious

Smitff · 10/02/2017 01:35

No you're not being precious.

Your SIL and her DH shouldn't have put you and everyone else in this position. It's outrageous. So many people could be significantly negatively impacted by their DD's presence.

Kids have a habit of getting sick at the most inconvenient times. But that's life, shit like this happens when you're a parent.

I would politely and firmly say that you don't think it's fair on your family or all your other guests to have DD come and stay. If they're desperate to go to the event, they can stay in a b&b and let whoever was going to watch the DD stay with her there. Of course they wouldn't dream of doing that, which is your cue to query why they should feel free in your home then. Leave it hanging if you need to. You need to be firm; it's their "fun" at the expense of other people's health. No brainer, they're just being selfish.

mathanxiety · 10/02/2017 01:47

TheEdge ofSeventeen - you should look into vaccination. Adult chicken pox can be gruesome.

Whathastheworldcometo:
I was always told you could get Shingles from chicken pox.
You get shingles from the virus that remains in your body after suffering chicken pox. It's a virus that packs a double whammy. You can get shingles any time after having chicken pox but older people tend to get it more often. My DD2 got it at age 20 however.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 10/02/2017 01:55

I'd have to say no, they couldn't come. And if they turned up at the door anyway i'd turn them away. It is unfortunate, but for the sake of your DS, they need to keep her away. I would also suggest the whole family rather than just one parent stayed behind with her. People CAN catch chickenpox twice, and anyone who lives with her could be infected too. Better to not have them stay/be around your child than to risk it, no illness is risk free and prevention is better than cure.

TheDowagerCuntess · 10/02/2017 02:02

I think your SIL is being U, not you.

Maybe it wouldn't be as big a deal, if your DS was feeling better, but he's not.

It will be massively disappointing not to be able to go to the event - but parenting regularly means you get dealt a crap hand, and just have to suck it up.

Italiangreyhound · 10/02/2017 02:18

theobservantone tell your SIL you are very sorry but no way can your niece come to this event. She has chicken pox and needs to stay away from this event. Your son has not had chicken pox yet. End of.

"Now I know chicken pox isn't a particularly big deal... "

Actually chicken pox can be a big deal and in a very few cases can be fatal, which is why some parents choose to vaccinate their children against it.

You can get t more than once so even if you and others have had it, you could get it again.

"Everyone gets it and it's part of childhood." Not so, some people do not, and people who are vaccinated against it, with the required number of shots are much, much less likely to ever get it.

"But the trouble is my DS has been so poorly recently with cold after cold and a lingering chesty cough for almost a month which is only now starting to clear." Then please protect your son and put him first.

"I would hate the thought of him suffering with chicken pox when I'm not there to comfort him." Then do not put him in harms way or allow any family member to try and convince you to do so.

"So the predicament is that sister in law and family cannot get childcare for niece, and will miss the sporting event if they cannot all stay with us." This is not a predicament exactly, it is just a fact.

(predicament - a difficult, unpleasant, or embarrassing situation).

It is not embarrassing for you to put your child first and it is certainly not unpleasant or difficult. We are talking about your own son in his own home.

"I feel so awful at saying niece can't stay and sister in law has just text to say she's in tears and so upset." Very sad she is upset but as I say it is a fact, she is ill. When ill we cannot risk infecting other people simply because it is upsetting. Be kind and pleasant but firm. No way, and frankly if your SIL, seeing her sick child, is willing to run the risk of infecting your son, she is being extremely selfish.

Sorry, but please be firm.

Italiangreyhound · 10/02/2017 02:19

PS I have had shingles, it is very grim.

Hidingtonothing · 10/02/2017 02:27

I would reply to SIL's text 'oh that's such a shame but obviously it wouldn't be fair to DN to put her through travelling and being away from home when she's poorly and, as you know, DS hasn't had CP and has been ill so much lately it wouldn't be right to put him at risk of catching it too. Awful timing and disappointing for everyone but can't be helped.'

The fact that SIL is asking when it's obvious she should keep DN at home means you can't afford to leave any ambiguity in your reply so you need to be crystal clear that DS's health comes first.

KittyWindbag · 10/02/2017 02:28

Wow your SIL is being really unreasonable. I'm sure she's disappointed, but her daughter is sick and is likely to feel really shitty as it progresses so she has a responsibility to forgo the event and stay home with her child.

Your poor son has a weak immune system at the moment so he could get it really badly :(

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 10/02/2017 10:49

A sick child needs to stay at home. That means a parent or parents must stay with them - that is called parenthood.

Sometimes we have to miss things we are looking forward to - that's just life - we have to suck it up. I caught chicken pox as an adult, from a child I babysat, and as a result I had to miss my housemate's wedding, which I had really been looking forward to attending. I was disappointed but I sucked it up - so must whichever parent has to stay at home with their poorly child.

As I said earlier, if your ds has been ill a lot lately, his immune system and general health may well be below par, and so his dose of chicken pox might be a LOT worse - it is not worth risking that, just so an adult gets to go to a sporting event - and your SIL shouldn't be guilting you into risking that for your child.

Flip

1 2