Colleague's comment

[ButterBeanSoup]

Yesterday I bumped into a colleague in the staff room (in school). Another person asked whether I was okay, and I said yes, I'm just a bit wiped out (approaching half term). The other colleague then said loudly, whilst looking at my stomach "are you sure you don't have some news for us?" I laughed it off, and said no. She continued to stare at me, kind of smirking, and said "well, I'm sure you'll make the announcement when you're ready".

For the record, I'm not pregnant. I was really embarrassed! I'm not sure whether I'm BU to be a bit upset. For background, this colleague has form for being very blunt to the extent that she can be very rude. I don't really like her, but we have a reasonably good professional relationship.

tenshi She was told no and still saw fit to enter though....That is rude. And I'm sorry but even if OP has put on weight or is wearing a tightly fitted top that still doesn't give someone the right to ask very personal questions. If OP wanted the woman to know if there was any news, she would.

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A total bitch from work did that to my friend (who also worked there). So inappropriate and the woman who said it was about twice the size of my friend anyway, so if anyone looked pregnant...
Another colleague from work was pregnant and the same woman became obsessed with finding out who the father of the baby was, as this woman had not told people that she had a partner (very private, turned out she did have a boyfriend and she had become pregnant quite early on in their relationship). She even said to a work-experience girl 'why don't you ask Kate who the father of her baby is and come back and tell me'. Such a cow. Thankfully she was made redundant not long after.

Oh god, why do people do this? I had a colleague ask me this in a room full of senior management, because she had put 2&2 together and come up with 547 when I wouldn't tell her why I was off sick the week before.

Funnily enough, my miscarriage and surgery wasn't something I wanted to discuss openly.

To be fair, she did seek me out a week later when she was in my building to apologise. i made it clear to her that although I wasn't pregnant, I had been, very recently. I'm not normally one to stand up for myself but at this point, I had to.

She felt terrible (and did for a long time afterwards, which did affect our working relationship) but people need to know why this is so inappropriate. Unless you see the baby's head crowning, or you have been told by the person or a very reputable source, say nothing!

doboopedoo I am so glad you put her in her place. It bugs me so much- people trying to guess if people are pregnant or asking people when/if they plan to have children. So intrusive and they have no idea whether that person has in fact had a miscarriage (as in your situation) or is suffering from infertility and actually their nosy questioning can be very upsetting. On what planet is another person's choice to reproduce or not reproduce anybody else's business?

I have also had someone (a stranger) ask if I was pregnant. If I had been pregnant, I would have been no more than 3 months gone (I have a small amount of belly-chub, so might possibly have been mistaken for the very beginnings of a bump but definitely nothing more). I just stared at her blankly and said 'no, I am not pregnant'. She started mumbling about how I looked pregnant from the front. Whatever. It had nothing to do with her. Unless someone is VERY visibly pregnant- ie 8/9 months gone or tells you she is pregnant, do NOT speculate.

So very rude and thoughtless.

I was once in a lift with DS1 in his pram when he was about 8 months old. A woman in the lift looked me up and down, looked at DS and said "wow! You are going to have your hands full!" I must have looked totally blank because the rest of the journey was silent and awkward as I slowly realised she thought I was pregnant.

I had that separating stomach muscles thing so I still look pregnant 10 years on!

That is very rude of this woman and she needs pulled up sharply on it. So what if she is the deputy head!? She should know much better than this. She should respect other staff, not make ill-judged personal remarks.

Go to the headteacher, explain what was said, how inappropriate it is and how it has upset you. Say that you want any untrue rumours that this woman has started about you amongst the staff to be quashed right now and never restarted.

Wow, that is pretty terrible! Was wondering for a moment if you work in my school, but our female deputy head would never be such a cow! It's downright insulting if nothing else. I thought everybody knew you never ask a women if she'd pregnant!!!

Do you think she was being spiteful op?
Ime people ask because they genuinely total nosey bastards believe you are pregnant and do not engage their brain before opening their mouth.

24 yrs ago a police officer commiserated with me at how stressful the break in he was attending must be given my pregnancy. I blurted out I was not pregnant and the poor bloke remained like a beetroot throughout the proceedings.

If she genuinely thought you were pregnant she obviously thought there would soon be something to celebrate!
It doesn't matter how genuine she was. One should never, uninvited, comment or speculate on a woman's pregnancy (or not pregnancy), in the workplace or socially (although admittedly, among friends, it may be a more relaxed issue).

As a PP said, if you've never been told of a pregnancy, the first and only time you should ask is if you can see the baby crowning

Ime people ask because they genuinely total nosey bastards believe you are pregnant and do not engage their brain before opening their mouth.

Well, they need to learn to think before speaking, and making them feel very embarrassed is probably the best way for the lesson to stick. In any case, since this person carried on after OP said she wasn't pregnant, it is pretty clear that they were being more than mildly thoughtless.

I agree that some situations are trickier. Someone recently thought I was pregnant; it stung a bit, because I'm not pregnant but would like to be, and my period had started that morning so it was a fairly unwelcome reminder! However, I tried to be gracious about because I know they were trying to be nice; they were trying to give me a seat, and I guess in the grand scheme of things I'd rather people upset me a bit than that they were too scared to offer a seat to a pregnant woman in need. Again, though, I really don't think OP's situation falls into this category.

That's why I asked Margaret and yes I have been asked more than once and even asked if I was joking when I said no. The embarrassment after something like that is harder and longer and sometimes I have genuinely felt that person resented me for their embarrassment. Bottom line they still initially thought I was pregnant...

If however you think it was done out of spite I would report it to the head as it is a horrible thing to do.

Many years ago I worked with a bitch who asked me a couple of times if I was pregnant, she also liked to sneer at my large boobs, so mean. Anyway we were on our break and she made a comment in front of everyone there about my trousers being too tight. I said "April, are you gay? Do you fancy me? It's ok, I don't mind, but you seem obsessed with my figure." She spluttered on her tea, everyone laughed and made whoo hoo sounds and wolf whistles to April. Never another peep from her. Try it on the deputy, in front of everyone, god you're obsessed with how I look, you must think about me all the time. She will shut her stupid mouth for good.

She knew full well what she was doing. You know not to make insinuating baby comments to someone if you're not 100% sure they're pregnant so why would she?

I like a PP's suggestion about going to the head and saying 'just bringing this to your attention as apparently deputyheadsname think's I'm pregnant and outright accused me of being pregnant but not telling anyone. just wanted to let you know Im not'.

Then they will know what a bitch she was and it just seemed like you were being the oh so considerate employee, not wanting your headteacher to be worried about your 'maternity leave'.