Am I unreasonable? Rejected my MIL to help during my baby birth because her boyfriend wants to stay with us?

[minniethemouse]

My DH and i invited my MIL (she lives abroad) to help during my baby birth, however she told her boyfriend will come and stay with us too. I was so upset and did not expect his visit . This is my first baby, i dont know what will happen and i dont expect to take care of my MIL's boyfriend (both of my MIL and her boyfriend dont speak english). My MIL said he can take care himself and told me not to worry. Honestly i dont want a stranger in my house during my first 3 month of my birth. Again, our flat is not big enough to accommodate him, we have only one spare room which we plan it for the baby later. But she insists he can sleep in the living room... soso a lot of excuse. I am going to say NO to my MIL about it. But i feel bad and am i unreasonable?
xxx

No, don't think you are unreasonable, but it may need to be handled very tactfully (but firmly).

No, you are totally, totally reasonable.
She is unreasonable. What a cheek to foist an unwelcome visitor on you at a time when you most need your privacy and space.

Not at all.

You HAVE to say no.

Horrible situation though - don't envy you

I think you are going to have to speak to your DH and get him to speak to his mother and explain that you will need your space and how you feel.
I don't think you are being unreasonable

No.

Not unreasonable.

She is mad. Or just very forgetful - FGS, someone you don't know in your house when you've just had a baby?

Definately not unreasonable. I can remember a good few nights pacing the living room floor with ds as a newborn wondering what the hell I could do to get him to stop crying. I certainly would not want to go through that with a stranger kipping on my couch!

You need to be able to spend all day in your dressing gown if you want without worrying about anyone else.

I think you are being very inclusive and brave to make the offer to MIL on her own.

Agree with kimi that your dh should be the one to explain this to his mother, gently but very firmly. You have enough to think about with the new baby coming, you shouldn't be getting upset about this.

Not unreasonable. How horrid to have to deal with a stranger. Even if she'd been with him for donkey's years and you knew him well, it STILL wouldn't be unreasonable to say, "Sorry, don't want anyone but DH around me for the first few weeks."

Most people here seem to feel that way.

Is it a cultural thing, that she feels this is acceptable?

Mind you, even in cultures where women have half the family helping with a birth/ baby - the men don't usually get involved do they? Certainly not ones outside the family.

No, no. You're right. Tell her she can visit with her boyfriend after a certain amt of time has passed instead.

Yes, I agree this is a situation that your DH should handle, and you are being completely reasonable.

But are you expecting her to move over here and leave him for 3 months to help you? Is she not doing you a huge favour?

Its not ideal but surely there is a compromise? Is there not somewhere they could stay close
? To be honest I think even having her living with you for 3 months will drive you crazy.

Not unreasonable in the least not to want him around. I wouldn't either, and I think it would be a recipe for disaster.

But, if he's a serious boyfriend for your MIL, you are asking her to leave him for three months to come and live with you in a different country from him. She may very well not want to come for that long on those terms, and I think that would be reasonable of her too.

Assuming you want her around after the birth, get your DH to agree with her how long she would like to come out for, just her.

(While I love my MIL enormously, having her around for three months solidly after having DS would have made me homicidal)

Honestly I get along with my MIL quite well and i really want her to come and spend time with the baby especially my MIL is so pround of my DH. I dont mind her to stay with as long as she likes but not her boyfriend. The worse thing is my DH ask me to talk to my MIL directly instead of him to avoid any mis-interpretation. I was crying madly about it. But i will try again to persuade my DH again. ... finger crossed..

thanks to everyone.

Oh I thought the 3 months thing was "no strangers within the first three months", not "MIL staying for 3 months".

I wouldn't expect her to want to come to stay for three months without her b/f, but then I'd have a nervous breakdown if I had ANYONE staying for three months. Even my own mother. Actually, especially my own mother.

If it was just for a week or two then she shouldn't need to bring him.

Personally, I would prefer it to be just me, DH and DD for the first couple of weeks, so that I don't have to think of anyone else and can be utterly selfish whilst I get used the new baby.

Sorry, but my MIL takes the biscuit for worst MIL/GM in the world. She stays for 2 weeks and doesn't do a thing, not even reads a story to the gc's or minds them whilst I make the meals. She sits in her room all day watching TV and reading the DM and barely sees the DGC who she is supposed to be visiting. She also expects breakfast and dinner in bed as well as cups of tea brought to her- all up 2 flights of stairs. She's happy for her DS to go out to football matches but sulks if I go out as I'm not there to care for her and generally tries to cause trouble between us. She also expects me to do everything when she visits and if I ask DH to help out with the kids, she gets very huffy about it. She treats her visit like a holday and me like a skivvy. can't stand the woman, surprisingly.

I felt quite vulnerable when my 2 were new-born. Both times I was quite hormonal and both times dh and I needed time and space to renegotiate our relationship to take into account that our lives had irrecoverably changed each time. The first one was the hardest for us. So I definitely think you're justified in what you're saying about your MIL's bf but would also not allow your MIL to stay anywhere near that long.
Last time round we had my PILs here for 2 weeks "to help". In reality they filled the house with tonnes of their stuff (bedding, suitcases, coats and shoes, computers, ...... kitchen sink ...), the house got much messier and dirtier more quickly (4 adults rather than 2 all in the house 24/7 when usually it was just me and ds1 in the day and not even all day), there was much more shopping, cooking, washing up and laundry to do and getting to the bathroom was a long drawn-out negotiation. Also I found there wasn't much they could do to help with ds2 since I was bfing and the noise levels too shot up. Was very glad when they went home and peace decended again.

good news to everyone... my dh persude successfully my MIL and her boyfriend to delay their trip for 3 months.
what's a relieve!!! My DH cant understand the point at first, afterwards, we went to the scan, when he saw the baby in his first time (this is our first), he is over the moon. Then I asked him again and he did it. Hooray.....

thanks for everyone for your support ..
xxx