AIBU or was DH?

[brexitschmexit]

DH's birthday is coming up and he is working the day before which involves him being away from home (within the UK) and will not finish work till late evening. When I realised this, I commented "oh so you won't be at home on your birthday." To which he rather curtly said something like "yes I will. I might come back the same day." It is a situation where he would always stay overnight at the work location, so I was not unreasonable to assume he would be doing the same this time (I don't think!), and I didn't think he'd want to travel back late at night arriving home in the early hours.

Last night I broached the topic again and said when do you think you'll be back (thinking of what plans we can make to celebrate) and he immediately got annoyed and said he didn't know what time, but some point on his birthday. So he IS planning to stay over as he usually would.

When I showed surprise and said he had initially suggested he might come back on the day of the work thing, he got really angry, started shouting at me and saying he never said he would come home the same day, that I was lying to suggest it, I must have misunderstood etc. I stuck to my guns as I felt he was undermining me to say it was my error, when I clearly remember him saying he might come back the same day (because I remember how surprised I was at that idea). He then stood up, threw the TV remote at me (more towards me than at me), told me to F off and stormed off ranting that I am a f-ing ar*ehole sometimes. It just seemed a massive overreaction and I have no idea where it came from or why he felt the need to be so rude or angry towards me.

I am a SAHM and feel like I do everything around here for him and the kids, and am so tempted to go on strike and not cook him a lovely home cooked meal from scratch this evening as I do every evening. Just don't appreciate being sworn at and called an ar*ehole for something so trivial.

Good luck - your history indicates your boundaries may be a little off in spotting unacceptable behaviour ... He should basically sit, listen and apologise this evening. Anything else and I'd be seeing a solicitor I'm afraid, as this is no partnership.

I wonder if you found a good counsellor before or other sources for support? Do keep posting x

Are you his wife or the hired help? He doesn't treat you like a partner.

I think there was a misunderstanding to start with.

Say his birthday is Wedesday and he was obviously working away on Tuesday, staying over on Tuesday night, coming home on Wednesday. Why did you then say "oh so you won't be at home on your birthday?" - if he usually comes home the day after he's stayed away, you knew he'd be home in the evening of his birthday. I think either you or he thought you were talking about the Tuesday when it was clear from the conversation to both of you that he wouldn't be at home at all. You've obviously (imo) both taken away different understandings of this conversation.

For whatever reason, he's overreacted to the 2nd conversation. Thats not acceptable.

User892 I think you make very astute points. Thank you for the support. DH knows about abusive ex and was appalled at his treatment of me (and he doesn't even know the full extent of it, no-one does really as I've never properly talked it through). I probably have unresolved issues through not properly addressing my situation with my ex, and I think you are right that my radar for spotting unacceptable behaviour is a little off.

RhiWrites I have to be honest I do sometimes feel more like the hired help! I look after everything around the home and DC. DH works incredibly hard and often long hours, which I am grateful for as it enables me to stay at home and be with our DC (I became a SAHM mum at my request and he was supportive of this). But me being here supports DH massively in pursuing a career he loves and is very successful in. I love being at home but of course it's bloody hard work at times and the daily grind of it all gets me down sometimes! Just things like meal planning and all the cooking you know. I do an activity one evening a week, just for an hour. I remember when I signed up for it saying to a friend it would be a bonus (on top of doing something for me and getting some exercise) that DH would have to get home earlier and might make DS's packed lunch and a meal for us whilst I was out. I then found I had to specifically ask him to do the packed lunch, tell him what to make, and he would make his own tea and I'd have to make mine when I got home (at 9pm). Bear in mind he is often not home from work till 8-9pm but I wouldn't make my own tea and leave him to make his when he got back! I did raise this and say is there a reason why I have to make my own meal when I've been out at X and it seemed it hadn't crossed his mind! He claimed to not know when I'd be back (the activity is exactly one hour and finishes at the same time every week so he could time my arrival home almost to the minute, it's only down the road). I said I often don't know exactly when he'll be home but I still manage to time a meal cooked from scratch for him every evening. It ended up being a bit of an argument, I think he felt criticised and didn't like it, perhaps I didn't bring it up in the best way....

Since then he has done my tea as well as his own, but we are literally talking beans on toast! He might ask what we have in for tea before I go, and I've suggested various options but they all involve getting a chopping board out and a small degree of effort (I don't do cordon bleu during the week, just eg pasta carbonara or Jack monroe's v simple mushroom stroganoff) so he just does a face at the suggestions and does beans instead. I do like beans on toast, don't get me wrong, but it's the implication that that's all the effort I am worth you know? And that I've had to ask him to make my tea, rather than him just doing it for me.

I feel like I read this and thought that yes his behaviour is completely unacceptable but that there is more to this? Is something else going on with him? Has he told you he's frustrated at missing family time etc. It doesn't excuse his behaviour at all though

Yeah, spidey senses say he's hiding something from you. Possibly someone at work he was looking forward to seeing.

I'd just keep an eye open for other such over-reactions over seemingly minor requests that might keep him away from a work do.

Good luck

I'm pretty sure he isn't cheating. Nothing he said last night made me feel he might be. It wasn't like he said he was coming back on Sunday and I tried to persuade him to come back on Saturday, and this made him panic he couldn't see his fancy woman. I purely asked for info and didn't suggest he change plans. Also it is entirely normal for him to stay over after this and similar events. Others from his work will be there and will also stay. We argued because he kept telling me I was wrong and I wouldn't accept it.

We have now exchanged messages where I have made it clear I don't expect to be spoken to like that. He has apologised for arguing and said he didn't want to argue. He said we have different perspectives on what is acceptable as he wouldn't mind being called an are hole especially if it was true (a dig to tell me again I was being an are hole?!). I said I don't think it's acceptable (and I'm sure many would agree, thanks mumsnetters!) so please don't do it. It seems he was mainly annoyed that I was insistent I was right and wouldn't back down on that, he says I was being "ridiculous" and doesn't understand why it was so important for me to insist I was right. To me it felt like a principle to stick to my guns that I remembered him saying he might come back on Saturday, as I specifically remember being surprised at it and thinking "surely you won't do that as it will mean traveling during the night and you'll be knackered?!" I didn't like being badgered into admitting I was "wrong" when I didn't think I was! Clearly there has been a misunderstanding and whoever is right or wrong is less important than the way he spoke to me when he got annoyed. I will try to get him to focus on that.

LaContessa - nothing was said/suggested that might keep him away from the work thing. He has to go, it's not a do as such, it's actually his job to be there, and I always leave his travel plans etc to him. I just like to know when he will/won't be around so I can plan family life and activities accordingly, and also just because I quite like to know when he might be around!

I was really sad for you when I read how you have to feel that you must wait for an ad break for you to be allowed to talk to your dh. That's not ok. There seem to be a lot of behaviours you have just got used to, and now might be the time to question them.

He said we have different perspectives on what is acceptable as he wouldn't mind being called an are hole especially if it was true (a dig to tell me again I was being an are hole?!

So he refuses to apologise and thinks you should accept it. This would be the end, for me. I wouldn't focus on the ins and outs of the argument - this isn't about points scoring. His shouty, violent and insulting behaviour was abusive, and he doesn't either see that or care.

OP - I'm sorry you had this experience. I'm a SAHM too. My DH has always worked ridiculously hard, but he's good at not bringing stress home. He can tend to go a bit "into himself" when he's stressed though and I am aware that I sometimes hold back from telling him things when he's in that kind of mood because it would feel like talking at him, rather than to him, if you see what I mean..

I cook for him too etc etc, but I can categorically say I would not do any of it if he threw something at me or used the f word at me. Just once would be it. I would lose respect for him, I know I would - it's as simple as that. Plus I would be a bit scared of him going forward.

Think about it - if you saw him throw a controller at any other woman, or tell any other woman to "f off arsehole", what would you think?

Most people would be appalled. You describe him as a man with "integrity", yet a man with integrity would not behave like this towards any woman, least of all his wife.

Sorry OP, I know he's your husband and things like the can be hard to hear, but I really don't think you should stand for that behaviour at all.

he was mainly annoyed that I was insistent I was right and wouldn't back down on that, he says I was being "ridiculous" and doesn't understand why it was so important for me to insist I was right

Yes, why DID you get out of your 'good meek wife' box?!

OP, some of what you describe resonates with me BUT just to be clear, my DH would never curse at me, throw something at me and will always offer to do things for me like make a cuppa or get me chocolate etc even when very busy. He is a good kind man but I find he stonewalls me when stressed. And he is stressed a lot these days. He has no patience to listen to me and can be a bit sharp. We've sometimes gotten heated (mildly because we rarely fight and are both quite polite and respectful to each other rather than calling things out) when I've not been clear on exactly the sort of discussion your OP is about and I sometimes feel he's subconsciously giving me so little information he's daring me to misunderstand so he can be all sharp and frustrated. He's never like this when work isn't stressing him to the limit. But it's still hard and lonely to be around that kind of mood.

There are a few unacceptable things your FH is doing, to varying degrees. I also need to get better at calling my DH on his tone with me at times and being more open about how hurt some things make me feel. I think you need to be clear on what he has done that's completely awful (shouting and throwing remote) and if he's not completely mortified and sorry, and never does it again, I'd be thinking seriously about whether to continue this relationship.

I read the OP and immediately thought he'd made a semi arrangement to meet up with his fancy piece.

I read it the same as namechangedtoday15

There was a miss understanding but he totally over reacted.

Trust me, he is definitely working this weekend. The work thing is legit, he will definitely be there, it is high profile and public and I would easily know if he wasn't there. He really isn't having an affair, and I have no reason to suspect anything like that. He hasn't tried to stay away when he normally wouldn't. It is totally reasonable for him to stay over given the time he will finish work and I would actually be more surprised if he didn't stay over.

Re the throwing the remote, I hope I haven't deliberately misrepresented the situation but basically DH always has the remote (I know I know, another sign of him BU!) and if he goes to bed before me he always hands it to me as we sit next to each other but on separate sofas IYSWIM. So him tossing the remote over as he got up was his way of announcing he was going to bed. He didn't throw it "at" me as in to hit me with it, more towards me but whereas he would normally pass it across he lobbed it over last night. Even if it had hit me it wouldn't have hurt as it wasn't hard. But still a bit crappy. I hope this makes sense and doesn't come across as making excuses. I just don't want people to think he hurled a big piece of plastic at my head or something!

Alaia5 I know what you mean about your DH going into himself etc and my DH is similar but actually I think he is like that most of the time. It never feels like a good time to start a conversation. If I waited for him to seem less like that, I'd be waiting forever! And some things are relatively time critical, eg I need to book something and it's the deadline. I just often feel I am bothering him and that there's never a good time to talk to him, so it makes things really difficult.

He asks why you had to push your point ... you weren't shouting, name calling and throwing things. Why did he have to push his point so strongly? Good on you for telling him it's not ok , but the other signs aren't great either. I too would often rather not chat to my dh while watching tv and unwinding but I press pause and chat to him because we are married.... and if he couldn't make me a proper dinner i doubt we'd still be together. I'd insist on some variation from beans on toast!

You walk on eggshells not to enrage him, you do all the "wife work" emotional labour and planning and he contributes very little to the household except his salary, he treats you with no respect and it sounds like it's getting worse.

Please consider relationship counselling and, when he tells you that's rubbish, individual counselling just for you.

Beans on toast is what you're worth to him and you rank lower than a tv programme. That's not good enough.

RhiWrites that's exactly how it makes me feel, that I am just worth beans on toast (ie minimal effort/care) and only then when I have asked for it, and I rank below the tv. Perhaps he really doesn't mean me to feel that way, but that is how he makes me feel.

You're worth more than that. I don't know you and I can see that.

So value yourself and make a plan. What are you going to do?

I am going to speak to him and tell him the things that he does that make me feel worthless or under appreciated. I'm going to try and do it without it descending into an argument (although I'm pretty sure it will). If nothing else this thread has made me realise there's been a few things I've excused or allowed for too long, just to a avoid conflict. But I should be able to tell him that some of the way he treats me makes me feel rubbish. Hopefully he won't just respond to my points by saying "well you are really annoying sometimes" but my gut feeling right now is he might. I will keep you posted. Thanks for helping me to see things are not ok and giving me the push I needed to address this. I know I'm not perfect, I know I am annoying to him sometimes if I'm talking away and he just wants to unwind, but I have a right not to be made to feel like crap!

Incidentally I haven't started cooking dinner yet. DH is home but has been upstairs since he got back, I think he's currently sat in DD's room while she settles (not necessary, out of choice). I would normally have a lovely home cooked meal underway by now. He would usually text to let me know when he was leaving work, but didn't today for some reason, so until he got back I thought he hadn't left yet. I think he will be surprised when he comes down and sees no meal underway.... I'm genuinely interested to see how it pans out. I honestly cannot be arsed to cook him a lovely meal like I usually do.

I went out last night to my activity. We literally crossed paths, as he arrived home I was leaving and then he was in with DD. So I messaged him when I got there to say I was thinking jacket potatoes for tea. He replied to say he'd put one in for me but didn't fancy it himself. I asked what he was having (thought if he was rustling up something nicer I'd join him in that!) He sent a reply saying he didn't know yet, he had to iron his shirt and make DS's packed lunch plus do some work he hadn't finished because he'd had to leave work early (to get back for me to go out to my activity....) I felt like getting my violin out! Honestly, I often have the odd bit of ironing to do in an evening, plus I make DS's packed lunch, plus I make a home cooked meal for me and DH, plus I often have "work" to do (eg home/school related admin or last night after I'd got back from activity and eaten my tea I had to make some changes to and finalise the online supermarket shop as I'd run out of time earlier in the day and had to just checkout to come back later).

So I then got home to a cooked jacket potato and had to do my own filling, salad etc while DH served up his beans on toast for one!

Good luck with the writing things down for him. I have done this a few times with DH and it has helped.
I think in the letter, you should ask him if he would ever say "f off" to a woman in the street, or call her an arsehole for that matter. If not, then how is it acceptable to speak to your wife in that way? Similarly, I think if a stranger spoke to you that way in the street, you would be upset (well, I would).Your home should be a place of refuge, so why accept any less from him?

Spot on Alaia5! A very good point well made