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AIBU?

DH friend staying over

89 replies

karmacoma1 · 07/02/2017 00:40

DHs best friend lives 200 miles away from us. He and DH see each other sporadically, usually when said friend comes up to see his family who live about 20 miles from us.

These visits mean that friend will stay at our house, as there's normally drinks involved so no driving, and it's too far to get a taxi to his parents.

We used to have a spare room - however I am nearly 35 weeks pregnant with our first child so that now an almost finished nursery.

This means he has to take the sofa in living room.

He last came over the night before nye, he and dh stayed up till about 3.30am drinking, which was fine but in the morning, he obviously slept in, effectively taking out the living room (and kitchen as you access it through there) and as I knew he had a long drive I left him to sleep and had to sit in bedroom with my snoring dh until mid afternoon.

Mow the friend has contacted DH about coming up this weekend, and I feel very irritated about it. As mentioned I'm nearly 35 weeks pregnant, and although I highly doubt I would go into labour, it just feels a bit close, I don't particularly want other people in my space - also it's not like his last visit was THAT long ago.

When dh said he had said this in text, friend said oh it will be fine let's just go for a few pints then we'll just have a few quiet ones at yours. This maybe my hormones, but that has really rubbed me up the wrong way.

Dh is clearly keen for him to come over, and I don't want to be a bitch but... aibu?

OP posts:

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GarrulousGrimoire · 07/02/2017 00:44

I wouldn't have wanted DH drunk at 35wks pg as you could realistically go into labour T any point from now. His friend coming wouldn't bother me, though I wouldn't be sat in my bedroom tiptoeing around either!

Tell your DH its fine but no drinking. He can have a piss up post baby.

stiffstink · 07/02/2017 00:45

Why can't your DH stay at his parents?

Blackbird82 · 07/02/2017 01:14

Hmm not sure, if it was a friend I really liked then I wouldn't have minded at all, even in the late stages of pregnancy.

However if the friend was a bit of a tit then that would be a no from me. My tolerance levels were running on empty at 35 weeks!

I think they should stay in a hotel or at the friends parents

AntiGrinch · 07/02/2017 01:17

"When dh said he had said this in text, friend said oh it will be fine let's just go for a few pints then we'll just have a few quiet ones at yours. "

Am I understanding this correctly: your DH said something like he wasn't sure it was a good idea to meet up this weekend and in response the friend has said "it will be fine" and invited himself to stay at yours?

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.

Your DH needs to be really frosty about this. It's more than "oh go on, you can go out" - it's "shut up, I have a right to your time and you and your wife's house".

Better to deal with this now than before the baby comes.

Your DH needs to say something like "well I would have been ok to go out for a pint or two if you stay at your folks, but I don't really feel like it now you're taking the piss like that." The friend sounds very thick skinned and needs to be told to back off now before there is a baby in the mix. And your DH needs himself to get the message loud and clear: things are changing, and it isn't all about you - for him too.

amroc18 · 07/02/2017 01:18

I would probably let it ride, you may feel even less like it for a long time once baby is here, and you can caveat this trip saying it will be the last for a while

PyongyangKipperbang · 07/02/2017 01:19

It takes the piss that you have to stay out of your own lounge and kitchen because you have a pissed up house guest on the sofa.

I agree that your DH should go to his parents, that way they get their night out and you dont have to deal with the aftermath.

Oh and make it clear that this is the last one for a while to DH, mine didnt quite make the connection between me being due to give birth and him possibly being pissed as a fart not being a good idea, until I pointed it out.....fuckwit.

HenriettaH · 07/02/2017 01:25

Marriage doesn't mean giving up everything else in your life to satisfy a spouse. He wants to spend time with his friend. I'm sure both will make sure you get to the hospital if you go into labour.

SorrelSoup · 07/02/2017 01:28

Why can't he stay in baby's bedroom? I wouldn't have him downstairs in the way. If you really don't want him to stay then dh needs to stand by you.

PyongyangKipperbang · 07/02/2017 01:30

And I well remember the feeling of needing security around me at that stage of pg. A houseguest would have had me feeling really out of sorts and upset. I cant really find the words to explain it, but I would have hated having someone invade my nest.

Ohdearducks · 07/02/2017 01:36

Inviting himself after your DP effectively said no if arrogant and rude. I might have agreed to a blow up bed on the nursery floor but after that I'd tell him to get fucked.

Ohdearducks · 07/02/2017 01:36

is

ScarlettFreestone · 07/02/2017 01:36

Henrietta I agree that marriage doesn't mean giving up everything else in your life. But heavily pregnant wife trumps piss up every single time.

New baby will also trump piss up for a good few months.

AcrossthePond55 · 07/02/2017 01:37

If the lack of having your own space is the issue, buy a cheap inflatable mattress and put it on the nursery floor.

Bit I echo others in saying that your DH needs to keep the drinking to a bare minimum. If he can't do that, then friend needs to come after the baby comes AND he needs to stay in a hotel or at his parents. In fact, post-baby visits are something that you and DH need to discuss before it becomes an issue.

Italiangreyhound · 07/02/2017 01:38

karmacoma1 conratulations on the pregnancy.

I think you probably need to sit your dh down and explain something to him. You are getting ready to push a baby out of your nether regions and although you are excited you are nervous too. you need your dh to be 100% there for you, not seeing his friend who he saw just over a month ago, not pissed and you also need full access to your own home.

He is going to be a daddy and he would seriously, seriously kick himself if baby came early (as they sometimes do) and he missed ANY of the birth because you and his son/daughter were at the hospital and he was out on the piss!

"When dh said he had said this in text, friend said oh it will be fine let's just go for a few pints then we'll just have a few quiet ones at yours." This friend does not get to order your husband about or say what will or will not be OK. Your dh needs to use his cahones to say to his friend, sorry mate, no can do, I am a bit busy so no pints right now!

"This maybe my hormones, but that has really rubbed me up the wrong way." Of course it fucking has! It's your protecitve side coming in because you need your dh ready to spring into action not pissed on the sofa with his pal - FFS!

"Dh is clearly keen for him to come over, and I don't want to be a bitch but... aibu?" Be a bitch, please! Say to your dh that you are not comfortable with him getting pissed this close to baby's arrival and you don't want this man on your sofa! Can't they go out for a nice alcohol free lunch or dinner, a curry, or whatever? Your dh could stay sober and drive his pissed pal over to his mums.

If their friendship requires them both to have a few beers to get on, it's not really much of a friendship, is it?

AcrossthePond55 · 07/02/2017 01:38

Oh, the cheap mattress is for him, not you!!

Italiangreyhound · 07/02/2017 01:41

HenriettaH "Marriage doesn't mean giving up everything else in your life to satisfy a spouse." I amnot sure not getting pissed when wife is 25 weeks pregnant with your baby is giving up everything!

"He wants to spend time with his friend." No, his friends wants to spend time with him, get pissed and sleep on his sofa, not the same thing at all.

"I'm sure both will make sure you get to the hospital if you go into labour." But will he be any help in welcoming his new child into the world is the room is spinning!

Italiangreyhound · 07/02/2017 01:42

sorry typo 35 weeks pregnant.

CommunionHelp · 07/02/2017 02:08

Whilst I think you might be being a tiny, little bit U, this And I well remember the feeling of needing security around me at that stage of pg. A houseguest would have had me feeling really out of sorts and upset. I cant really find the words to explain it, but I would have hated having someone invade my nest
is exactly I would feel, so I do get it, OP.

Your DH isn't being particularly U either really.

I imagine I've helped lots

HenriettaH · 07/02/2017 02:20

So if he wont be able to have a friend over for months after baby is born as you people suggest..then surely he can have him over now. She s 35 weeks not 40 weeks and babies usually take a while to come out... I'm sure he will be sober once he sees the crowning ... good lord since when does life have to stop for a pregnancy. It's not like he is taking off to the friends place like some have been known to do. Give the guy a break. Always control.... control ...control.

Atenco · 07/02/2017 02:41

Sorry I have no personal experience of this, but it isn't necessarily fair to not allow your DH to have his friend stay over as it would be much more inconvenient for him to stay after the baby is born.

But I also wouldn't be tiptoeing around him in the morning.

calmingthoughts · 07/02/2017 02:44

Am I the only one who reads the friend a bit differently? To me it seems like your DH said " karma doesn't want us to have a big session", and the friend suggested just a few pints as a compromise. Seems like a reasonable response to me.

If you don't want him in your house for whatever reason that's your prerogative, but it doesn't seem unreasonable to me for your DH to go for a few drinks or have a few at yours.

I agree with the PP who pointed out that 35 weeks pregnant isn't the same as 40 weeks pregnant (or even 37). I'm a new first time mum and I would have been fine with my DH having a few drinks at this stage. You might feel differently of course, but however you feel I don't think the friend has said anything out of order.

Italiangreyhound · 07/02/2017 03:09

Henrietta "Always control.... control ...control." who do youthink is being controlling here?

The wife, who is pregnant and doesn't want her living room occupied by a drunk 'mate'?

The husband who has clearly said to his friend that it wasn't on?

Or the friend' who has disregarded the feelings in favour or what he wants?

Control, control control? WTF?

Atenco and calmingthoughts I am not sure the OP has said he can't have his friend over, she has said she doesn't want them to have a piss up and the friend to stay the night! Not really the same thing is it. I don't need to get pissed with friends to see them. Maybe they don't have form for having a few cans together, maybe they have form for a piss up!

Having a baby on the way is a pretty big thing, when baby comes why can't the OP's dh go over and stay at friend's parents and they have a night out, or go to a hotel. It's a pretty significant time for the OP and her DH, this friend just sounds like he wants a night on the piss. If he is the best friend I think he should be more considerate.

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Chinnygirl · 07/02/2017 03:14

I'd let him know that you get up at nine so he has to wake up from the sofa then. He can then decide what tome his bedtime is.

I'd tell DH that if you go into labour you don't want him pissed at your side. Maybe no drinks would be a better option. I really don't get why people have to have alcohol the whole time. He can order softdrinks just as easily.

PyongyangKipperbang · 07/02/2017 03:30

Henrietta "babies usually take a while to come out" so the OP should cope with labour without her primary birth partner because he is sleeping off his bender?

There is "control...." and then there is "Dont be a dick". This comes under "Dont be a dick"

ScarlettFreestone · 07/02/2017 04:21

Henrietta it is categorically not about control.

It's about love, support and consideration.

Which really shouldn't be too much to ask from your husband and the father of your baby.

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