DH friend staying over

[karmacoma1]

DHs best friend lives 200 miles away from us. He and DH see each other sporadically, usually when said friend comes up to see his family who live about 20 miles from us.

These visits mean that friend will stay at our house, as there's normally drinks involved so no driving, and it's too far to get a taxi to his parents.

We used to have a spare room - however I am nearly 35 weeks pregnant with our first child so that now an almost finished nursery.

This means he has to take the sofa in living room.

He last came over the night before nye, he and dh stayed up till about 3.30am drinking, which was fine but in the morning, he obviously slept in, effectively taking out the living room (and kitchen as you access it through there) and as I knew he had a long drive I left him to sleep and had to sit in bedroom with my snoring dh until mid afternoon.

Mow the friend has contacted DH about coming up this weekend, and I feel very irritated about it. As mentioned I'm nearly 35 weeks pregnant, and although I highly doubt I would go into labour, it just feels a bit close, I don't particularly want other people in my space - also it's not like his last visit was THAT long ago.

When dh said he had said this in text, friend said oh it will be fine let's just go for a few pints then we'll just have a few quiet ones at yours. This maybe my hormones, but that has really rubbed me up the wrong way.

Dh is clearly keen for him to come over, and I don't want to be a bitch but... aibu?

[guest2013]

I have know were also exhausted, sore, sleeping poorly and huge by 35 weeks.

I was all of those things, 3 times.
But I just think this attitude around pregnancy does women no favours. And as for the you're not Ill, you're pregnant comment, well that's absolutely true. Millions of women are pregnant, it's not an excuse for anything.
And as I said the preciousness comment was not really directed at the OP. I can see her point about the husband's friend, although it wouldn't bother me.
The fact she's pregnant is irrelevant in my opinion.

[Pogolphin]

I would have the friend to stay and all three of you spend time together sober. It could be a lovely evening involving takeaway and a film etc. It would ensure the friend was able to get up early too.

I would do it to show the friend how things are changing and that he is still welcome, albeit in a different way. He and your DH need to know that he can't now go off and get drunk until three in the morning, not for a good while yet anyway!

[Chippednailvarnishing]

Two pregnancies and I've never got to 36 weeks...

[spooniestudent]

There's a big difference between 'lets go for a pint' and 'lets go for a pint and then back to yours for a few drinks and I'll stay over'. I'd be pissed about someone inviting themselves round (after they've been told they're not welcome) even without being pregnant and space issues.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Well I am sorry that my mention of "nests" induced nausea in you Guest but the fact is that thats how it felt to me. It felt like my safe haven, a secure place to be. I was very anxious towards the end of all my pregnancies, I have had 6 live births, I didnt like going far from home or other people invading my space. I cant explain it and it isnt logical, but its how I felt.

Just because you didnt feel like that doesnt mean that anyone who does is wrong or "precious", believe me I am the least precious person you are ever likely to meet.

I think that AntiGrinch has it right. Explain that what happened last time will not be happening again, that you will not be pussyfooting around the friend and that you do not want their hangovers to affect you at all. That he needs to find a way to deal with this as it is his job to have your back at this time in your lives, and then let him get on with it. Just make sure that you dont back down on your non-negotiables such as having access to your home without feeling uncomfortable, and that "Oh he wont mind if you get up" will not cut it!

[ScarlettFreestone]

I hate all this "you're pregnant not ill stuff" as if every pregnant woman should be leaping around gaily and not change anything about their lives despite the fact that they are going through massive physical, hormonal and psychological changes.

The OP might well be a perfectly well pregnant woman but lots of the perfectly healthy pregnant women I have know were also exhausted, sore, sleeping poorly and huge by 35 weeks.

Even if she felt fit as a fiddle physically it's not unreasonable to feel a bit emotionally fragile by this stage not not inclined to have two drunken men about the place.

You don't need the OP give her medical history or a run down if the mental state, you just need to know that she doesn't want this guest to visit.

[UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea]

Blimey thanks Scarlett. Here was me thinking everyone was living exactly the same life as me. Thanks for the heads up.

[guest2013]

My comment about preciousness was not really aimed at the OP. I gave her my opinion which was it wouldn't bother me and why doesn't she enjoy a night out with her friends the same night. She doesn't state any mitigating factors in her OP so there's no reason for me to think she's anything other than a well, pregnant woman.
The talk of 'nests' and such like just makes me feel sick.

[ScarlettFreestone]

User and Unexpected it's lovely that you felt up to travel and nights out in the end stages of your pregnancy but you have to allow that not every woman will feel that way. And there's nothing precious about that.

You know nothing about the OP's medical history or how her pregnancy has been so far.

You know nothing about where she lives or how easy it is to get a taxi to the hospital.

You know nothing about her DH's/his friends behaviour when drunk.

Newsflash: not everyone's lives are the same.

[timeisnotaline]

I'd tell dh to get an uncomfortable air bed for the friend to stay in nursery. Then again I would NOT have sat in my room till the afternoon because friend was on the sofa! Way too considerate. I was coming back from a lovely stay in Greece at 34.5 weeks pregnant so I wouldn't be saying dh can't drink, but think you'd be reasonable to ask that he not get blotto ie could drive by 10 the next morninG. Friend won't be staying for a while after the birth I'm sure, you will be much more justified in cutting him off after 37 weeks.

[Jenbob13]

Tell him to book a fecking Travel Lodge like a normal person, you aren't running a BnB. Im 38 weeks pregnant and this would really piss me off too. Pffffft, unable to go through to your kitchen until mid afternoon? Your pregnant, you need to eat breakfast and have a brew, not pussyfoot around a man child asleep on a couch in your home.
As you can see pregnancy has made me very tolerant

[carefreeeee]

Why on earth can't they meet up, not get pissed, and friend drive to his parents house afterwards instead?

If the friend doesn't want to meet unless there's alcohol involved I think it's very odd.

Most people enjoy having a few drinks at times but it's hardly the most important thing about seeing friends.

I would absolutely not want someone drunk sleeping all day in my living room, ever. If they want to behave like that they can sleep in a tent or in their car or in a hotel. House gusts should fit in with what you are doing. He sounds very inconsiderate and not a nice person. This is not about control but just about normal good manners and reasonable behaviour

[UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea]

I agree there's a bit too much preciousness about being pregnant. If it's a normal, healthy pregnancy you shouldn't treat yourself like fragile glass. My DH went to Mexico for 2 weeks when I was 35-37 weeks pregnant. I was just delighted I had the bed and the TV remote to myself

But being pushed out of your own living room and kitchen by a drunk - that's not fun nor acceptable - pregnant or not.

[guest2013]

So many precious women! Some of us were still travelling for work at 35 weeks.. in fact I was in a different country from my husband at 37 weeks.
I was still out socialising up until the week I gave birth so I wouldn't have any issue with this and I've got 3 children. Just don't stay in bed the next morning (unless you want to!) Why don't you go out with friends the same night as well?

[AntiGrinch]

There are lots of constructive ideas on this thread about how the night out could still work: a blow up mattress might work, the DH might stay sober and drive his friend home..... all a lot of mental and organisational energy for the OP to manage everything so her DH still gets what he wants and she gets a bit of what she wants.

I think the real issue is that the friend is pushy and the DH doesn't understand where is loyalties lie right now.

I think the OP should put all these organisational questions to her husband and let him fix a night out, or not, according to what she needs and wants, and according to his own ingenuity to make it happen.

So the OP doesn't get air beds or bump up some hungover man on the sofa. she says:

husband: I need to feel safe, I need to feel comfortable and private, I need good sleep, and I need to feel I have your full practical and emotional support.
this means... (and then lay it out - say exactly what you need - even if "he can't stay" or "he can only stay if I LITERALLY do not know he is there")
say: are you with me? are we in this together? Or am I doing this on my own?

see if DH makes a plan that genuinely works for you. Or just sacks off his mate.

If he does neither, you need help.

The point is, you can't fix this for him. you need to make him first understand, and then find a solution. Your job here is to coach him to be who you need him to be for your new family, and to take you seriously as the mother of his child. That matters to your family as a whole as much as, or more than, it matters to you.

[BingoBingoBingoBango]

your DH CANNOT be drinking at this stage of your pregnancy. My DH stopped drinking at 30 weeks!

Oh good Lord!

My DH doesn't go out and get steaming drunk but I would have no issue with him meeting friends for drinks at 35 weeks. I was still going out and about, even taking a two hour train journey at 36 weeks to see friends!

Your friend obviously doesn't understand but equally this will be the last chance before baby comes for him to socialise together. His friend shouldn't be pushing his demands on to your DH. I'm sure there is a compromise to be made, which means your DH can still see his mate without upsetting you.

[GeekLove]

That and the fact I have laminate flooring - I'd have a strange urge to do some vacuuming...

[GeekLove]

It's your fault for staying in your bedroom for half the day when Mr Hangover sleeps it off. You should have gotten up and go about your normal business. He chose to get that drunk and it is an important lesson that other people's lives do not stop for him.
If it were me I'd put some music on (maybe a bit of martial industrial) and cook myself a big tasty not to mention pungent fry up. My house, my rules.
As you might have gathered I don't have any tolerance for drunken people who can't handle their consquences

[dailyshite]

Tell DH that if he is that determined to come you will wake him up when you get up and send him to get in bed with your dh?

[SecondsLeft]

Don't let him stay over this time. They both need to realise this needs to change.

[Italiangreyhound]

Agree with Chinnygirl.

The doctors thought I has gone into early Labour at 33 weeks, but all was fine. I'd say you can let your dh do what he wants but it sounds like he understands your concerns and his friend does not. Your husband should stand his ground.

If it ends up happening maybe next time they could do something different.

Does their friendship need alcohol to keep it going?

[CalmItKermitt]

Let him come this time but just get up when you want and do what you usually do.

[IMissGin]

DP had a friend stay for the weekend just gone, I'm 36wks. They stayed here on the fri night, but booked a cheap travelodge in town for the sat as I didn't want 2 drunk men turning up at 4am when I desperately need sleep. Worked fine. DP now teetotal until baby arrives.

[deplorabelle]

Yes he can go out with his friend but he needs to take the car and stay under the drink drive limit. He drops his friend at parents house 3am and comes home. It might be quite boring for your dh to be in the company of a drunk person but them's the breaks. You've had 35 weeks of not getting steaming drunk with friends I presume?

[karmacoma1]

Thank you all for your responses.

It really is the space issue - we don't have a camp bed or air mattress, although if dh wants to sort this out, I wouldn't mind so much.

As others have mentioned the friends blaise attitude of "Oh it'll be fine" has irritated me. It's worth pointing out this friend has absolutely no experience of babies/kids. He's mid thirties, none of his other friends or family have any, me and dh are the first people he has known to have one, so there's a bit of a learning curve for him. He has been friends with my dh for years and is used to going to parties and festivals with him sometimes at a moments notice, so this has been a real adjustment for him.

I will have a word with dh when he gets home, some of you pointed out that it maybe the last night with friend he had for while as post baby it can be difficult, and I don't want him to miss out.