DH friend staying over

[karmacoma1]

DHs best friend lives 200 miles away from us. He and DH see each other sporadically, usually when said friend comes up to see his family who live about 20 miles from us.

These visits mean that friend will stay at our house, as there's normally drinks involved so no driving, and it's too far to get a taxi to his parents.

We used to have a spare room - however I am nearly 35 weeks pregnant with our first child so that now an almost finished nursery.

This means he has to take the sofa in living room.

He last came over the night before nye, he and dh stayed up till about 3.30am drinking, which was fine but in the morning, he obviously slept in, effectively taking out the living room (and kitchen as you access it through there) and as I knew he had a long drive I left him to sleep and had to sit in bedroom with my snoring dh until mid afternoon.

Mow the friend has contacted DH about coming up this weekend, and I feel very irritated about it. As mentioned I'm nearly 35 weeks pregnant, and although I highly doubt I would go into labour, it just feels a bit close, I don't particularly want other people in my space - also it's not like his last visit was THAT long ago.

When dh said he had said this in text, friend said oh it will be fine let's just go for a few pints then we'll just have a few quiet ones at yours. This maybe my hormones, but that has really rubbed me up the wrong way.

Dh is clearly keen for him to come over, and I don't want to be a bitch but... aibu?

[FurryLittleTwerp]

Agree with PP who suggested a mattress on the floor in the nursery. If there is not much room for him, even better don't want him being too comfortable. If you're worried about stuff being plonked on top of the cot etc, just put a throw over it to keep things clean.

The unacceptable part for me would be his potentially affecting the whole of the rest of the house by sleeping in the sitting room.

Once the baby comes he can do the same, once you have finished co-sleeping, & sleep on the floor of the nursery.

[JellyWitch]

What's wrong with a mattress on the floor of the baby's room?

[FurryLittleTwerp]

FWIW we have always had a bed-settee in DS's room & on occasion have put guests on that.

When DS was very small & we had visitors,he slept in our room in a travel cot, & when bigger the guest would have to share with him! Fortunately for them he was never a particularly early riser

[ILikeBigBooksAndICannotLie]

I fully empathise with you; I'm not sure if I'd have wanted DH going out drinking that late in my pregnancy, although I possibly wouldn't have said anything as it's not as much of a worry as say 37 weeks. Your hormones are everywhere though, and I don't think either of you, or his friend are actually being unreasonable.

I do think that your first pregnancy is such an odd time for a couple. Your lives are about to change immeasurably and nothing can prepare you for it. But as the pregnant woman, you have been under certain restrictions for 9 months by the time the baby comes, have gone through all sorts of hormonal and bodily changes and I remember just feeling like it wasn't quite fair! Of course, it can't be equal and carrying a baby has wonderful parts! But my life changed the moment I saw that line on the stick, whereas DH was able to go away on stag do's and drink for example, and his life didn't change in a major way until the baby came. I imagine for your DH and his friend though there is also the awareness that life is about to change very soon, and they probably want one last night out before the baby comes, which it seems will be quite a quiet one. I think if I was in your shoes I would want DH to prioritise quality couple time for the next few weeks, after the night out with his friend. It's so hard to have couple time after having a baby, and I wish now that we had gone for meals, gone to the cinema etc and just enjoyed each other's company as much as possible before becoming three!

[YouTheCat]

Do you think your dh finds it difficult to say no to this friend and wants you to 'lay down the law' so he doesn't have to?

[Berthatydfil]

I think you have rolled out the red carpet for him and now he expects it. Really you stayed in you bedroom so not to wake him up - big mistake.
So nows the time to wake him up to reality.
Say yes to him coming and if they do have a quiet on then all good but if they don't we'll you get up as normal and make yourself breakfast, vacuuming might be a good idea too and if you disturb his and dh hungover slumber well that's tough because you can turn off s vacuum but you can't turn off a baby and you won't be able to shut a baby up in a room for hours if they need feeding or a nappy change.
If he wants peace then he can pay for a cab and a hotel.

[Bluntness100]

I'd rethink the sleeping arrangements, otherwise basically you're saying he can never come again,,,who wants no living room and kitchen with an infant, or with a toddler. Will you ever have anyone to stay again? I'd be looking at can I get a blow up mattress or something in the nursery.

I'd also let him come and wouldn't have an issue with it. However as a previous poster said I wouldn't have stayed upstairs either, I'd just have went about my daily business and happily used the living room as he was sleeping.

[Laiste]

So DH told the friend that you have asked not to have him stay over this time but friend replied it would be fine and lets basically do the usual thing.

OK. What did DH reply to friend after that?

You say DH is 'keen' for him to come. If push comes to shove i'd have friend in the living room (i wouldn't want him the nursery) and get up at my usual time and get on with my day as usual. If that involves putting on the telly, making my breakfast, having a sing song and asking friend to shift up while i sit on the sofa with a cupper then so be it. And i'd let DH know that's how it was going to be. And tell him it will be fiiiiiine

[GrumpyOldBag]

I think your dh should see his mate - after the baby comes it's going to be much harder.

But be very strict about not getting drunk, in case you need to rush to hospital. And early night.

And warn friend sleeping on the sofa that's how it's going to be, you'll be up early, and he may even change his mind....

[Inertia]

Agree with Laiste - I would let this one go on the understanding that it's the last night out until baby is several weeks old. Friend could sleep on the sofa, but I would have no qualms about going about my day as normal.

[NerrSnerr]

Do you have a blow up bed or sometime for the nursery floor?

I would say it's better now than when you have a newborn. When heavily pregnant last time my husband went out a couple of times. He didn't get wasted, he didn't go too far away (always somewhere he could come back from whatever the time or over the limit), and we agreed we'd get a taxi to the hospital.

[GeorgeTheHamster]

If he stays on the sofa I think you should just get up as normal, use the kitchen as normal. Cheeky sod.

Your husband is a separate issue.

[Isadora2007]

It's understandable you may feel a bit funny about overnight guests at this time...but your husband may also be feeling odd about what's to come as well and need some time with his best friend to help. It's a huge change all round and there's no going back once you're parents and so I would let his friend stay and get a (semi decent) air bed for the nursery.
I would also say to dh to consider the possibility of needing a hospital trip once he had been out drinking so what would the plan be then? Even if you had some cash and a taxi no. That could help reassure.
It's unlikely to be needed though. But this night out may well be...

[witsender]

Why can't they kip in the spare room/nursery?

[karmacoma1]

Thank you all for your responses.

It really is the space issue - we don't have a camp bed or air mattress, although if dh wants to sort this out, I wouldn't mind so much.

As others have mentioned the friends blaise attitude of "Oh it'll be fine" has irritated me. It's worth pointing out this friend has absolutely no experience of babies/kids. He's mid thirties, none of his other friends or family have any, me and dh are the first people he has known to have one, so there's a bit of a learning curve for him. He has been friends with my dh for years and is used to going to parties and festivals with him sometimes at a moments notice, so this has been a real adjustment for him.

I will have a word with dh when he gets home, some of you pointed out that it maybe the last night with friend he had for while as post baby it can be difficult, and I don't want him to miss out.

[deplorabelle]

Yes he can go out with his friend but he needs to take the car and stay under the drink drive limit. He drops his friend at parents house 3am and comes home. It might be quite boring for your dh to be in the company of a drunk person but them's the breaks. You've had 35 weeks of not getting steaming drunk with friends I presume?

[IMissGin]

DP had a friend stay for the weekend just gone, I'm 36wks. They stayed here on the fri night, but booked a cheap travelodge in town for the sat as I didn't want 2 drunk men turning up at 4am when I desperately need sleep. Worked fine. DP now teetotal until baby arrives.

[CalmItKermitt]

Let him come this time but just get up when you want and do what you usually do.

[Italiangreyhound]

Agree with Chinnygirl.

The doctors thought I has gone into early Labour at 33 weeks, but all was fine. I'd say you can let your dh do what he wants but it sounds like he understands your concerns and his friend does not. Your husband should stand his ground.

If it ends up happening maybe next time they could do something different.

Does their friendship need alcohol to keep it going?

[SecondsLeft]

Don't let him stay over this time. They both need to realise this needs to change.

[dailyshite]

Tell DH that if he is that determined to come you will wake him up when you get up and send him to get in bed with your dh?

[GeekLove]

It's your fault for staying in your bedroom for half the day when Mr Hangover sleeps it off. You should have gotten up and go about your normal business. He chose to get that drunk and it is an important lesson that other people's lives do not stop for him.
If it were me I'd put some music on (maybe a bit of martial industrial) and cook myself a big tasty not to mention pungent fry up. My house, my rules.
As you might have gathered I don't have any tolerance for drunken people who can't handle their consquences

[GeekLove]

That and the fact I have laminate flooring - I'd have a strange urge to do some vacuuming...

[BingoBingoBingoBango]

your DH CANNOT be drinking at this stage of your pregnancy. My DH stopped drinking at 30 weeks!

Oh good Lord!

My DH doesn't go out and get steaming drunk but I would have no issue with him meeting friends for drinks at 35 weeks. I was still going out and about, even taking a two hour train journey at 36 weeks to see friends!

Your friend obviously doesn't understand but equally this will be the last chance before baby comes for him to socialise together. His friend shouldn't be pushing his demands on to your DH. I'm sure there is a compromise to be made, which means your DH can still see his mate without upsetting you.

[AntiGrinch]

There are lots of constructive ideas on this thread about how the night out could still work: a blow up mattress might work, the DH might stay sober and drive his friend home..... all a lot of mental and organisational energy for the OP to manage everything so her DH still gets what he wants and she gets a bit of what she wants.

I think the real issue is that the friend is pushy and the DH doesn't understand where is loyalties lie right now.

I think the OP should put all these organisational questions to her husband and let him fix a night out, or not, according to what she needs and wants, and according to his own ingenuity to make it happen.

So the OP doesn't get air beds or bump up some hungover man on the sofa. she says:

husband: I need to feel safe, I need to feel comfortable and private, I need good sleep, and I need to feel I have your full practical and emotional support.
this means... (and then lay it out - say exactly what you need - even if "he can't stay" or "he can only stay if I LITERALLY do not know he is there")
say: are you with me? are we in this together? Or am I doing this on my own?

see if DH makes a plan that genuinely works for you. Or just sacks off his mate.

If he does neither, you need help.

The point is, you can't fix this for him. you need to make him first understand, and then find a solution. Your job here is to coach him to be who you need him to be for your new family, and to take you seriously as the mother of his child. That matters to your family as a whole as much as, or more than, it matters to you.