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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dd's friend has shown them porn!

70 replies

Justalittlelemondrizzle · 06/02/2017 20:44

My dd's aged 8 & 9 went to play at a friends house earlier who's also 9. She told them to "look at this, it's weird. Don't tell your parents"
They said she typed something in youtube or google and shown them a video. From what they describe the video was of various acts of oral sex but possibly more. They've always had filters and strict parental controls on their tablets and on the computer and have never been subjected to anything like this before.
I am devastated. I don't know what to do!

OP posts:
Jenniferb21 · 06/02/2017 21:11

You must report this to the head teacher at the school if they have determined it's an accident that's a red flag.

I would certainly cut contact with the family. AT such a young age this isn't not okay and/ or acceptable. It will almost definitely lead to their children developing behavioural problems.

For your own children I would explain what sex is at this stage (in your own way as suppose to the cliche school sex Ed way) and explain it's okay for adults to have sex when they love each other and that's how babies are made. Explain to them that it isn't a private thing between 2 people and it was wrong for someone to show them that video but it wasn't their fault and they didn't the right thing to tell you. ASk them to tell you if they ever see anything like that again.

I'm scared for the future of my children the world is becoming a frightening place.

Anothermoomin · 06/02/2017 21:11

Tell the school.

WhooooAmI24601 · 06/02/2017 21:11

I'd contact school, the child's parents and possibly also social services. In terms of school they'll handle it as well as they can but a 9 year old child accessing and sharing images and videos that are so explicit can hardly be an accident. However it's come about she - and your DD's - need a little help.

Justalittlelemondrizzle · 06/02/2017 21:12

They don't go to the same school. They seem fine but I'm worried they may be traumatised by it. I am proud of them that they spoke to me about it immediately.

OP posts:
BastardBloodAndSand · 06/02/2017 21:12

You need to contact safeguarding and school also. Very concerning that she knew where to look.

HighwayDragon1 · 06/02/2017 21:12

Also please praise your DD for telling you, reassure her she's not in trouble and how grown up she has been in telling you.

Trifleorbust · 06/02/2017 21:14

They may not go to the same school but they do go to a school. The Head needs to know about this not only because the little girl is possibly at risk, but her action in showing such content to other children places her classmates at risk.

BakingWithPreSchoolerand6YO · 06/02/2017 21:15

Just when I was about 8 my best friend got out her dad's substantial stack of porn mags to show me. I was really uncomfortable and ended up pretending I needed a poo so I could spend ages in the toilet and hope friend and her sister had got bored and put the magazines back. I saw naked women with legs spread, PIV sex and oral sex images. It disturbed me enough to tell my mum but I've not been fucked up for life because of it, or even affected by the actual images at the time.

For me, the only negative effects were that my mum wouldn't let me go round to play at my friend's house (she was welcome at mine) and so our friendship declined. In hindsight we were growing apart anyway (friends since toddlers) but at the time I blamed myself for telling my mum as she had (understandably now I'm a mum) gone straight round to tell friend's mum and demand to see what I'd been shown. Friend's dad had a reputation for very dodgy porn tastes (bestiality for example) apparently so mum was terrified I wasn't telling her everything. She didn't believe I'd told her everything and that made me less inclined to tell her things after that.

Please, if you haven't already, tell your daughters how proud you are that they've told you. They trust you and you're their safe place. Absolutely speak to the friend's parents - they need to know and need to put some proper filters in place to stop kids viewing porn.

Looking back, what I needed my mum to do was ask if there was anything I had questions about regarding what I'd seen. I needed to have a conversation about what porn is and why people use it, and that it doesn't show the real sex most couples have. I needed to know she was pleased I'd told her and that she trusted I'd told her the whole truth. In other words a conversation rather than an interrogation.

You must be so angry that your lovely daughters have seen porn, and that you're having to tell them about things earlier than you ever thought you'd have to. They will be fine. It won't scar them for life. I hope this reassures you a little, though I'd still want to go round and smash up their friend's computer (and possibly parent too!)

HighwayDragon1 · 06/02/2017 21:15

Get a pen and paper now and write down exactly what your dss said to you, and your exact reply. Call the other girls school and ask for a meeting with the safeguarding lead, take your report with you. I'd the school refuse for any reason call the nspcc

zeeboo · 06/02/2017 21:16

At the same age, a friend of mine showed me her Dad's stash of dirty magazines. I saw things every bit as graphic and possibly more so than your DDs. I thought it was gross and weird and then thought no more about it. It hasn't impacted me negatively in any way so please try and not catastrophise this effect on your girls.
Obviously you must tell the other child's parents and seek advice from NSPCC etc but I'd tell your girls it is something they shouldn't have seen, you can answer any questions they may have but for them not to worry about it.

picklemepopcorn · 06/02/2017 21:17

We had a letter from school when DS was 10 about kids encouraging each other to look up certain websites. It's a kind of dare thing, most of the time.

Talk to them calmly, explain that grown ups do sex stuff, and that those videos are for grown ups. children aren't supposed to watch them. Tell them it will all be easier to understand when they are older, and not to worry about it right now.

Make sure they know that it is not ok to show and talk about this with other children.

BakingWithPreSchoolerand6YO · 06/02/2017 21:17

Cross posted - I see friend's parents are in denial. Definitely raise as a safeguarding issue with the friend's school - email head using the address from the school's website as they attend different schools.

Different schools makes it easier to withdraw from the friendship if there have been ongoing issues aside from the porn.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 06/02/2017 21:22

Well no more play dates there !

If it's any consolationi found a box of porn mags at around that age - I was curious (very !) but it didn't scar me

Don't be devastated OP - it's not ideal and it's not the end of the world

But yeah - trim the play dates as something is awry with their parenting

TinselTwins · 06/02/2017 21:24

It wasn't found by accident.

If it's not a school friend, what is the connection?

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 06/02/2017 21:27

please try and not catastrophise this effect on your girls

Agree - I am not trying to minimize their shit parenting - but your girls will be OK and like it or not children do and will learn about sex a bit earlier than we would often like

itsonlysubterfuge · 06/02/2017 21:27

finding porn by accident is easy. for example instead of typing msn.com typing man.com, use to bring up a gay porn website. type in my little pony, there is some risqué stuff. If parents don't put on filters, then stuff comes up and she would probably indeed find it weird.

youarenotkiddingme · 06/02/2017 21:28

I was going to say beware the parent doesn't take it seriously. At that age my Ds friend showed him kissing videos. He came and told straight away and the other mum took her DD side because she was upset as shed asked him to promise not to tell Hmm

To me, of a parent isn't going to take this seriously the child is at risk and I'd ring nspcc for advice. You can give child's details and then it's up to them to act.
I'd also tell the school if they are in same school as this could be safeguarding. A child accessing porn which a parent knows about and do ant act on is serious.

PoundingTheStreets · 06/02/2017 21:30

Tell your DDs that what they watched was inappropriate for them and that you need to talk to them about what they've seen. Reassure them that it's not their fault; they weren't to know, and it's ok for them to be curious/upset about what they've seen. Then ask them what google terms they searched and try to find the exact same video. Watching it yourself will give you a much better idea of what to say in response.

At 8 or 9 years of age, they will probably already know the rough mechanics of sex, even if they don't understand sex 'drive'. It won't be impossible for them to get their head round the fact that adults take part in something that children don't. In fact, you can use it as a good platform for that kind of discussion about adults doing things that there is nothing wrong with as such, but which come with risks that only adults can understand and assess.

Then ask them if they have any questions about what they have seen and give them (age appropriate) answers, as not answering will leave them to conjure up something with their imagination which is much worse.

There is guidance on the internet about dealing with this sort of thing if you don't feel confident on handling it.

Having done that, talk to them about internet security and how they can protect themselves if the situation ever arises again (I think we'd be shocked by the number of households with children in where there are no filters on the internet). Role play scenarios if you think it would help.

Lastly, speak to the other girl's parents. If you're scared about how it may go, there's nothing wrong with a carefully worded text just to start the conversation. I'd only go to the school if the reaction was not what it should be.

petitdonkey · 06/02/2017 21:31

Such a horrible thing to happen but read bakingwithpreschoolers post - some really wonderful advice there. I would see the safeguarding lead at your children's school and ask them if they would advise you to get in touch with the girl's school or whether they would be better to make contact. Schools take these things very seriously.

TinselTwins · 06/02/2017 21:34

finding porn by accident is easy

finding it in the first place because of lack of supervision and controls is not an accident
Seeking it out again to show friends is definitely not an accident
Parents reacting to child finding porn as if it's no biggie - also not an accident

GabsAlot · 06/02/2017 21:45

not an accident if theyve said dont tell your parents-they clearly knew what they were doing was wrong

HelenaGWells · 06/02/2017 21:47

Your girls will be fine but I would be wary of sending them to that girls house again. It is easy to find things by accident but I'm not entirely sure if this was an accident. Make sure your own parental controls are locked down.

MarrianneWantsHerBed · 06/02/2017 22:03

You need have a chat about it with them and check if there is anything really disturbing
I agree about talking about weird and not very nice you can find on the net.
But depending on what they saw, you might also want to explain that some people do do that.

They won't be scared for life if it is explained well to them.

MarrianneWantsHerBed · 06/02/2017 22:05

Fwiw more than60% of children will have seen porn before they leave primary school.
It's not that unusual unfortunately

HarryPottersMagicWand · 06/02/2017 22:10

Given she typed it in, she knew exactly what she was looking for. I'd be furious at the parents minimising. My DDs certainly wouldn't be going there again and I'd make it clear why.