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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH birthday ignored by my sister

63 replies

mumontherun14 · 06/02/2017 10:29

This might not sound like a huge deal in the grand scheme of things but just looking for a wee bit of perspective. It was my DH birthday on Friday. My sister has previous form for forgetting both me and DH birthdays in the past and turning up on the day with no card and not acknowledging the fact that its our birthdays. She is very generous with our DC and never forgets them so I tend to just let it go. My mum is not very well and it is just me and my sister who live locally and so I do make a fuss of all the family birthdays adults and kids alike and am always happy to host for parties or cake etc. She doesn't have children so we always make a fuss for her and her husbands birthday and would never let them go past without visiting them. In the past she has made a few comments to me about her in-laws forgetting her birthday and how hurtful she found it. She has done the same now to me for the past 2 years and now my husband too for the past 2 years. We were out together last night with my parents for dinner so she had ample time to at least produce a card for DH - He wasn't bothered but I felt it was a bit rude. It's shortly going to be my sister in laws birthday down south and I know she will make an effort for that and send a card so I am a little annoyed she hasn't bothered with my DH. Do I mention anything....and if so what should I say? Or should I just let it go.... She can be a bit touchy and is having a rubbish time at work at the moment and our relationship can be tricky -we don't always agree on the same things but I would say we are on friendly terms without being super close if you know what I mean -we see each other at least once a week. Thanks xxxx

OP posts:
Redpony1 · 06/02/2017 12:07

I am awful with birthdays, i literally never remember them!

My brother has been with his wife for, ohhh, 20+ years and i miss her birthday every year. I don't even remember my nieces & nephews most of the time and need reminding to get a card & pressie beforehand. My family aren't big on birthdays though except for the children, just a text suffices.
I don't care if people forget mine either, it's just a day, i'm normally busy anyway.

As long as they remember your DC then i'd not be annoyed if i were you

Fortifiedwithvitaminsandiron · 06/02/2017 12:09

I forget my own birthday. I also forget my wedding anniversary. Every year. And we got married on Valentine's Day so it should be easy......but to us these things just aren't that big of a deal and I can't understand why people feel so much need for them to be so recognised by everyone every year, so I'm afraid to say I put equal emphasis (or lack thereof) on other adults' birthdays/anniversaries unless there is an event to accompany them which we have been invited to attend. It's a different kettle of fish for kids of course, and we make a huge fuss for all the DCs in our family, but once you're a grown up, you just get on with it. Maybe this is just the way your DSis is too, so I'd ignore it and just accept people are different. However, if you think it's intentionally vindictive then that's a different matter.

bingolittle · 06/02/2017 12:13

I don't think it's petty to be annoyed by this (although I also think it would be wise to let this particular issue go).

What's more concerning is that your sister sounds like she's a difficult person in general - one of those people who's "sensitive" to her own feelings, but not really so "sensitive" to anyone else's. So if you find that you're constantly walking on eggshells around her, then you might need to think about the terms of your relationship.

PiggyPlumPie · 06/02/2017 12:17

My sister can't remember my DH birthday even though it is the same day as her son's.

sewingjassy · 06/02/2017 12:18

I don't think my sister has ever sent my husband a birthday card, now I think of it. I wouldn't expect her to.

user1478860582 · 06/02/2017 12:20

You get to a certain point in life where you're rather glad that everyone forgets it's your birthday!

TeethDrama · 06/02/2017 12:22

Pipsqueak, I don't want to rude but that sounds totally and utterly joyless. And you don't do it because people get grabby or whatever, how does that explain you and your DH not doing cards & anniversaries? You wouldn't be ungrateful towards your DH and vice Verda would you?

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 06/02/2017 12:23

I expect she's just been preoccupied and has forgotten. I know I've been guilty in the past of forgetting an extended-family birthday. I don't think anyone has taken it too much amiss. I certainly wouldn't make a Thing of it.

TeethDrama · 06/02/2017 12:27

Why are so many posters talking about how they don't do anniversaries or birthdays blah blah and maybe the Dsis is like that too, when OP has made it clear that her Dsis does care about them on behalf of herself and other people so it's not that she doesn't care generally, just that she ignores OP and DH's.

OP it's because your sister doesn't have kids, so in her mind she buys for your kids instead of you & DH. She isn't being funny about it, she's just made that choice and expected you to understand it without having actually spelt it out. I think a card would be nice but I should think she thinks it's all or nothing so she's doing nothing.

Dahlietta · 06/02/2017 12:27

I'm another one who is rubbish about birthdays. I frequently forget my sister's. She usually texts me on my birthday and says "I've got you a card, but I've forgotten to post it." I've no idea if she knows when my DH's birthday is, but I suspect she doesn't. I think perhaps you're feeling a bit sensitive about family at the moment with your mum not being well, and you say that your relationship with her can be a bit tricky, and that's why YAB a bit U about a card. I hope your mum is okay.

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/02/2017 12:31

"In the past she has made a few comments to me about her in-laws forgetting her birthday and how hurtful she found it. "
I was just thinking, maybe adult birthdays are just not a thing for her - until I got to that bit of your post. So, her birthday is to be noted, but she will not note yours?

When is her birthday? What would you normally do for it - card, present, phonecall, text - what? Has she appreciated whatever you do?

I would be inclined to just mention to her, maybe a week or so before he birthday - 'Oh, it's your birthday next week, isn't it? But I guess we're not doing adult birthdays any more, are we?' Either she'll acknowledge that we are indeed not doing adult birthdays, or she'll ask what you're talking aboout. At which point you gently remind her that she has not acknowledged your or your husband's birthday for the past two years.

I'm suggesting doing it a week before so that it's not a surprise on the day.

Ponderingprivately · 06/02/2017 12:31

I think YABU, sorry.
I just don't expect my siblings to personally remember my DH birthday, he wouldn't expect them to either. I also don't remember their partner's birthdays unless fb reminds me then I might swing them a message. This just isn't a thing in our family.
If she always remembers your DC then I don't see the drama.

TheLivingAsheth · 06/02/2017 12:39

When the sister says she is hurt about in-laws forgetting her birthday, I felt she meant her husband's parents rather than his siblings, but may be wrong of course. My parents do send my DH a card and sometimes a present, and MiL sends me one and often gives me money, not that I would mind if she didn't. But we don't do siblings' partners.

sewingjassy · 06/02/2017 12:39

I really don't think you should be phoning people in advance to remind them of your approaching birthday, or your husband's Ooh Blush Not unless they've asked you to.

That's not aimed at you OP, you said no such thing!

Original poster
mumontherun14 · 06/02/2017 12:56

For her b'day last year it was a week day so I went over with DD after work with flowers H&M vouchers, cards, wine and a funny mug from the kids. She was having a meal with 2 friends and made a comment about how she didn't like mugs when DD was there and picked it. DD adores her and didn't really notice and I just bit my tongue. On reading through your replies I think I am maybe feeling a bit taken for granted by her at times and that just came to a head at the weekend there xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
mumontherun14 · 06/02/2017 13:00

Neither her MIL or SIL has ever sent her a bday or Christmas card which has been a sore point and mentioned many times...(long story very old school family-think it may change now they are married -not saying I agree with that -but I know she'a been a bit hurt by them not really acknowledging her at times...)

OP posts:
Mankymouse · 06/02/2017 13:01

Let it go. Your dsis sounds awesome wish I had one. Thanks about your dm. If youw ould feel better about things, are you able to continue your mum's tradition of sending cards to the rest of the family? I mean without expecting anything back? Please don't be cross with your sister about not remembering your dh's birthday, it's pretty much the norm.

CaraAspen · 06/02/2017 13:04

"NarkyMcDinkyChops

I wouldn't dream of mentioning it. Cards or gifts for birthdays may be nice to recieve but they are by no means compulsory, nobody is obligated to give anything."

How interesting, in that case, that the OP's sister is offended when her parents in law forget her birthday. People like her do this sort of thing deliberately. Who knows why but I think it must be due to feelings of inadequacy.
It is very rude to treat someone close to you, as if they do not have a special day and most people do feel hurt if people treat them like this.

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 06/02/2017 13:06

They really don't. Most of us are over the idea of special days by about 14.

heebiejeebie · 06/02/2017 13:07

Do you think it's a bit raw this year because it emphasises that your Mum isn't organising everything like before? Let it go - if she loves you and your family then that's plenty.

DJBaggySmalls · 06/02/2017 13:09

I cant get upset about birthdays for adults, if it bothers you then just remind her in advance.

CaraAspen · 06/02/2017 13:09

"NarkyMcDinkyChops

They really don't. Most of us are over the idea of special days by about 14."

Really? Do you not recieve (sic) birthday gifts, then? What a shame...

Skooba · 06/02/2017 13:10

I would let it go and maybe just send small card to her.
Perhaps you are feeling more put upon a bit touchy now you have stepped into the DMs shoes but that was your choice.

sewingjassy · 06/02/2017 13:11

Most of us are over the idea of special days by about 14.

Quite Grin

Original poster
mumontherun14 · 06/02/2017 13:12

Cara that's exactly it. I would say we are close to my DSis, my DH in particular does a lot to help out my parents gardening, lifts, diy etc and I just felt it was a wee bit of a snub to him to not even acknowledge it especially as we were all out together last night but he definitely didn't and I have been interested to hear how many people don't bother so I have prob overreacted a bit X

OP posts:
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