To feel let down by my mum

[jennyandfelix]

I'm a single mum and I work full time, Monday to Friday. My mum lives about 30 mins drive away but works on Saturdays, so I always 'hold' Sundays for her so that she can see her only grandchild. It's never been put in stone but it is understood that either she'll drive to us or we'll come out to hers (normally she comes here or we meet elsewhere as it's a 2 hour bus journey for me to get to her, so 4 hours travelling with a toddler, not fun).

With only Saturday and Sunday to do everything needed outside of work - spending some actual time with my son (not just breakfast, bus to nursery, collect from nursery, dinner time and bedtime), cleaning, food shopping, seeing friends, anything else that crops up... The weekends get pretty intense, although equally lonely.

When I called her this morning she asked me what the plans were today and I said that it might be nice to take DS swimming. He loves swimming and she has only seen him swim once when he was very little and hasn't been in with him. She said that she would only want to go swimming if it meant she could do her 40 lengths or so, and that she couldn't do that if she was going swimming with me and DS, so no.

I feel pretty hurt as IMO the point of her seeing DS on Sundays was to spend time with him and have a relationship with him. I thought that she would want to go swimming with him.

On the other side, perhaps she just doesn't want to go swimming. But it feels much more like she doesn't want to go because it would mean playing with DS rather than doing something for herself.

Bearing in mind that this is the same mother than told us one Christmas that the only reason anyone has children is so that you have someone to look after you when you're old...

I'm not sure if I'm overreacting because of PMS or if I'm justified to feel let down by her. AIBU?

I loath swimming with young children. Intend up tired, cold and usually get a headache. She just didn't want to swim.

It's the middle of winter and the thought of spending time in a swimming pool but not really swimming is really unappealing. I know I would be frozen cold in our local pool. Maybe your mum is the same. I agree with others who suggest dropping some Sundays and getting out to do new things as a family to try and solve the loneliness. It sounds like you are doing a great job, working FT and raising your family .

I think YABU. She is entitled to say no if she doesn't feel like doing something, she didn't feel like going swimming, big deal.

I swim for the exercise and to maintain what level of fitness I have left! I find it a proper uncomfortable faff though getting changed and dressed in drafty changing rooms in this weather. But needs must so I do it. I took my own kids when they were little and I was younger but I can't say I would be thrilled to be doing it again with GC. I hope I would be able to tell my dd I just didn't fancy it without her being offended. I don't see how she's let you down.

I'm confused as to where people are getting the impression you are insisting on these Sunday visits because you use your mum as childcare or company. I've read back and don't get that impression at all and can't see it written down.

YANBU to be a little upset at the way she justified not going swimming in my opinion. If she just didn't fancy swimming, that's understandable, but to say "if I go swimming, I want to do my 40 laps, not play with my grandson" is odd.

Maybe really she just didn't fancy going swimming and this was her badly worded way of handling it.

Ask her if she still wants to keep up the weekly visits and what she wants to do.

Thank you GreyMist. I am a bit surprised by the impression that people have gotten about the Sunday set up - it's neither childcare or forced upon anyone. For the record, my mum works Fridays and Saturdays; Sunday is not her only day off. Also, she's an adult - she is my mum - so she is able to tell me that she doesn't want to spend one or any Sundays with us. She would also be the first person to say that if it was how she felt.

We had a lovely day all together and didn't go swimming, but to the beach.

After the day to think it over, I have decided that it doesn't really matter that she didn't want to go swimming. Talking to her cleared up that I was right in my assessment of the situation, but what does it matter, really? She wants to see me and her grandchild. She doesn't want to go swimming with us.

I am grateful for her presence in my son's life and also in mine.