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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Arghh annoying flatmate

13 replies

user1486257775 · 05/02/2017 01:45

I live with 3 other people. 2 are lovely, 1 isn't. I got a message from him the other day accusing me of being selfish because I had the heating on when I was home alone and basically saying I wasn't allowed to. He also accused me of being messy in the bathroom (I'm not). I've asked my other flatmates and they don't have any issues with me.

So I told my therapist in a phone session in my room about my crazy flatmate. Guess what? He overheard the whole thing and then had a go at me later for slagging him off. My room is next to the bathroom but there's no way he could have clearly heard unless he had his ear to the wall. I think he was outside my (closed) door. The whole thing is just creepy and invasive.

Basically how do I deal with this? I was so pissed off I didn't say anything when he confronted me. Part of me just doesn't want to engage with him anymore as it just makes him angrier and it'll make things worse but the other part thinks he needs to be told what he did was wrong (even though I know it won't sink in).

OP posts:
MrsBlennerhassett · 05/02/2017 01:51

I think you should stand up for yourself. Hes trying to intimidate you. Stand your ground and dont be frightened. I really feel for you because ive had a similar flat mate in the past. I even once caught him stamping on one of my parcels in the hallway. He also tried to get me to pay for more than my share of things and would become very angry when i refused to. Its really stressful because you just want to be able to relax in your own home!
Next time he confronts you just say something. Dont get too emotional about it or locked in an argument, just calmly state that you dont want him to speak to you like that. I wouldnt bring up historical things hes done because you may become trapped in an argument. Just challenge him when he does things in the future and dont allow him to talk down to you. Just walk off after you have said what you want to say and dont let him argue with you. Flowers

Original poster
user1486257775 · 05/02/2017 01:59

Thanks, MrsBlennerhassett. It's hard to reason with someone who is being so unreasonable. Your ex-flatmate sounds like a nightmare! There are things about the house that annoy me too but I just accept that's part of living with other people and forget about it. He just seems so resentful and volatile.

OP posts:
MrsBlennerhassett · 05/02/2017 02:03

dont reason with him. Just make clear statements. Hes looking for an argument so dont feed it.
for example when he accused you of being messy in the bathroom you could have said 'I'm not messy in the bathroom' whilst meeting his eyes then walk off and dont engage in any further conversation with him. Dont show emotion either way or get drawn in because hes basically just looking for a reaction isnt he? He sounds like an angry man looking for someone to shout at!!

ImpetuousBride · 05/02/2017 02:04

Is this flatmate also a landlord? If not he has no right to even raise the heating question and you can tell him to f right off. If yes, he's still being a jerk anyway - how does he expect you to keep warm during winter?

He does seem creepy and invasive. Do the other flatmates have similar issues with him?

Years ago when I was lodging I had live-in landlords who were constantly changing the rules and not adhering to our contract (re laundry and kitchen use, trying to charge me more, etc). Eventually the problems with them outweighed my peace and comfort, and I ended up leaving. I know it's a hassle and stress to look for another place but if you can't resolve it with him it might be the best option for you.
If he's not a landlord, however, don't worry about explaining yourself/justifying, or resolving - simply tell him that you don't appreciate and won't tolerate his treatment. Then ignore and don't engage with him further. You can also complain to the actual landlord, they should help. Whatever you do, don't let him bully or intimidate you.

I really feel for you btw - it's such a hit and miss with flat mates :( hope it all works out somehow.

EatSpamAmandaLamb · 05/02/2017 02:11

What is the nature of your contract?

PenelopeFlintstone · 05/02/2017 02:17

Have a meeting all together and ask what the others think about the heating issue (ridiculous in my eyes, btw). Set some rules st the meeting, maybe, if he's nagging about anything else.

Original poster
user1486257775 · 05/02/2017 02:18

I know 1 of my flatmates think he's crazy. The other one moved in not long ago. TBH we hardly see each other so it's weird he's built up all this resentment when I literally don't give him a moment's thought. He's not the landlord - just a cheapskate! I mean if you don't want to pay for other people's bills, don't live in a shared house.

I did say things like I pay the bills too and I'm not messy but he just called me defensive. I can't win.

Yes, he's definitely an angry man looking for someone to shout at!

I'm on a 6 month AST.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1486257775 · 05/02/2017 11:06

OK i'm thinking about sending him a message saying is behaviour was creepy and not acceptable. Will it just make everything worse?

OP posts:
barinatxe · 05/02/2017 11:17

You get these nutters when you're sharing a house. I had one once who decided to throw out the contents of the fridge because she'd turned vegan! She also used to make up claims about us stealing her clothes from the washing line and had a once huge go at me for topping up the prepay electricity meter because it was running low (??????????).

It is very difficult to deal with people like this. Try to stay firm, stand your ground, be calm when dealing with him but don't allow his statements to go unchallenged.

ImpetuousBride · 06/02/2017 08:04

Well if he is not the landlord and another flatmate shares the same opinion of him, perhaps it's worth getting in touch with the actual landlords. Not sure how much they can do depending on the contract they've signed with creepy guy, but at least they should be aware they have a "problematic" tenant and have a chat/give him a warning re his out of order behaviour.

Megatherium · 06/02/2017 09:32

You can't send messages to someone you live with. Have a conversation with him when sensible flatmate is there to back you up - but be prepared for him to claim you were talking loudly and he couldn't help overhearing. The answer to that, of course, is that he should have just moved away rather than listen to the whole of a private conversation.

He does have a bit of a point about the heating, though. If you're the only person in the house there's no need to heat the whole house. Can you get a small heater for your room?

NoCleanClothes · 06/02/2017 09:36

MrsBlennerhassett has it exactly. Don't fuel his fire by engaging with him. Dn't try to justify yourself to him, then he has you on the back foot. I would either ignore his email entirely or return something non committal like "I'm sorry you feel that way, if you want to raise it further we can have an meeting for the entire flat and come to an agreement".

Allthebestnamesareused · 06/02/2017 10:33

Pretend to have another phone conversation when you know he is about and mention how the crazy housemate is even crazier than you though because he now stands with his ear to the wall in an attempt to hear your private conversations Grin

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