To get so tired of MIL and the way she treats my nephew?

[user1477282676]

DNephew is coming up to three years old. MIL DOTES on him. She was the same with my DD now 12 so it's not that I feel jealous or anything I just feel MIL's level of obsession is unhealthy.

It's not really that but it's the way she panders to him. She comes to visit us about once a week or so, always bringing Dnepehew as she looks after him while SIL works.

She parks the car and then stands outside WAITING till my nephew is "ready to come out"

This can take up to half an hour. Half a fucking hour of MIL standing by the car whilst my nephew ignores her and says "NO!" or whatever and laughs.

MIL asks my DD's to come and coax him out. Which they do...they're 12 and 8...why can't she just say "Out you come now!" firmly....? Like I would with my children at that age?

She will say "Do you need a nappy change?" to him later on and he will refuse and so we have an hour of MIL chasing, coaxing and asking.

He will kick her and she will whine "Please don't kick me".

On and on I could go. She's bloody ruining him! AIBU? There are loads of instances like this.

I had to squash her saying things like "Oh look at him...he's MANAGING her!" as he tried to boss my DD about and shout at her.

"Oh...he's a little BOSS!"

I had to say "No, it's not a positive thing MIL, he needs tellling not to do that."

And to be fair, MIL listened. But this endless waiting till he's frigging ready is so annoying!

Oh no, this wouldn't be tolerated in my house!

My mother regularly has my DC and she's great. She has my parenting style down and almost always knows how I would deal with a situation so she does things my way. Not a chance that she would pander to them, because I don't.

Saying that though, I have 3, I think if maybe I just had 1 it might be different as all that time and attention would go on one child, like in this situation. I do agree with Lostqueen, could she be trying to 'make up' for things she thinks he should have by putting up with this?

I'd have lost it by now, she's batshit.

It's one thing to be a little softer, a little more willing to wait, a little more indulgent as a grandparent, but not to this extreme. It's not fair on the people around you, but most importantly, it's not fair in the child.

I'd go and get DN out of the car, I'd treat him like one of my own while he's there. If she doesn't like it, she's welcome not to come around when she has him.

A boy in ds1's class is parented like this by his mum. Now they are all turning 8/9 it's really not working out too well.

I know someone exactly this! It's a pain in the arse.

She's actually a childminder as well, but also looks after her DGD. She would never have treated her mindees like this, but apparently 'she can't do a thing' with DGD and seems quite proud of the fact

Often see them on the way to school, with about five of her charges standing patiently at the end of the street, while she tries to coax DGD out of someone's garden.

I get you think your sil is depressed. But you also say she doesnt like how your mil treats her son. But she doesnt do anything and is quite detatched from her own son.

Perhaps yoir mil is overcompensating, struggling to look after him, worrying sbout him and her dd.

It sounds like a pita however there is clearly a lot more going on thay her just indulging him.

I remember looking through the door at MIL one day as I arrived to pick DD up when she was about 2 or 3 and MIL was lying in the bath covered in crap....not actual crap but various household things...DD was placing them on top of MIL. Cups, knickers, plates, towels, tea bags....all sorts of things

Wow. It makes you wonder what her own upbringing was like. Maybe she was brought up by a super strict tyrant and has decided to go the opposite way but has gone too far and it's gone wrong because she didn't have a role model of the middle way between tyrant and ridiculously lax

To be honest, you're facilitating this when she visits you. Sending your children out to coax nephew and allowing him to go off with the biscuits just means that all of you are dancing to the same tune.

You're perfectly at liberty to say that in your house food stays in the kitchen and if nephew wants a biscuit he can sit at the table with everyone else. You don't have to send Dds out, but could offer to help Mil lift him out of the car. Don't pander to MIL s pandering.

It's crazy but there is nothing you can do. But l have a problem with all this gps spoiling dgc. Why? I just proceed as usual with my gd and so do her other gps. Maybe l have more time for games but when it comes to doing something l treat her just like my own. I spent a lot of time with my gd when young, never spoilt and l loved him dearly. I think children thrive in an environment of respect and firmness with lots of fun thrown in. It annoys me that there is this big spoil the gc thing. They deserve better.

CoaNiMa you've just described my brother

My mum used to cook him separate meals because he never wanted what everyone else was having. She also used to run around making him cups of tea and taking his food to him on a tray if he didn't want to sit at the dining table like the rest of the family. Oddly enough, my brother now has zero respect for my mother.

I think that story about the bath is really sweet, and for me it puts her in a different light. I feel like I 'get it' a bit more now.

But I was going to come on and say what Inertia said... Don't get sucked in. If she wants to stand coaxing for half an hour, that's up to her - just get on with your day (including going off and going out somewhere maybe). Be breezy about it "We're off to the park, come and join us when he's ready" etc.
And if they're your biscuits in your house, then it's your rules. I wouldn't say anything or be the 'strict' one, just do as you do and don't pander to it. Effectively, model for your MIL how you think she should be.

And maybe try and spend some time with your SIL if she's low? Or think of ways you can support her? A babysit? A sleep over? A cuppa/glass of wine together?

You sound like a nice family all told. I hope you work through it.

I think all you can do is maintain some rules in your own house, op. He does sound like a sweet boy and you sound very caring. You are right though, this is GP indulgence taken to an unhealthy extreme. I do wonder if this behavior is actually making it harder for your SIL, I can imagine his go-to back chat at home is "Well Granny lets me!" or "Granny doesn't make me do that." It must be very hard.

I'd agree SIL is fighting 2 battles and losing both

my mil is the same.
she doesn't watch my children as she lives so far away, but when we stay with her the lengths she will go to to avoid a tantrum is surreal!
she's raising my nephew and he is an interesting mix, he's 11, like he will try lots of emotional blackmail to get his way, but is very good and kind and understanding with his cousins...

Agree with the strict aunt idea; hour house, your rules. The car thing now seems to be the visiting auntie game; a game that the whole family seem to be playing! Would mil be willing to try to change it? If you could go to the car when mil arrives and say, 'hurry up mil, go in, your tea's getting cold, I'll get DN out of the car', would she agree to it. You might find getting DN out easier than you think if the fun is happening elsewhere.

If your dh turned out Ok, and your dd turned out Ok, then I expect dn will too. At the end of the day the worst that will happen is that he realises he can treat dMiL in a way that the rest of the world won't tolerate.

Barbarian but they didn't really. SIL is 45 and still lives at home...has never lived anywhere else and is dependent on her Dad. DH had all kinds of issues related to his childhood. Many dealt with but some not.

I think you and your husband need to sit down with your MIL and tell her very seriously that she is harming your nephew by allowing him to do everything he likes and never setting boundaries. Explain to her all the consequences: how he will become spoilt, how difficult it will be for him in school, safety issues, etc.

And for God's sake don't allow her to do that in any way when she's with you or in your home. Or to involve your daughters.

Btw, a good way to deal with the car situation would be to pretend to leave your nephew in the car for a couple of minutes (with you near, of course). "So you won't come out? Fine. See you later". Then shut the door and pretend to leave.

Children need to know that their parents and guardians are in charge. I don't think they can feel secure otherwise. It's fair enough to give kids options so that they don't constantly have tantrums (in moderation - things like would they like to wear this t shirt or that t shirt, would they like an apple or an orange etc), and they do want to exercise a bit of power from a young age, all totally healthy, but this is not bloody healthy.

Kids lash out when they're not given the proper routines and guidance that they need. Getting a child out of a car when they're visiting a relative is not a negotiable thing...you can't stand around waiting. It must make things hard for your Dnephew's mum, everytime she tries to take him somewhere does he have a massive tantrum every time she needs to get him out of the car?

Having said that there isn't much you can do, except be in control of the situation when they visit YOUR house. If your MIL wants your kids to help her coax him out of the car, say "this is getting a bit silly, just get him out please so we can enjoy the time you are both here", and tell your kids not to go out.

I get a bit freaked out at the idea of letting a young child be in charge of everything. I had a friend who would let her son hit me, poke me, ask me incessant questions, copy everything I said etc etc, and in the end I had to tell her that it wasn't right, and that I deserved a bit more respect. She didn't even realise what was going on - she was completely oblivious to it, because in her mind her little darling could do no wrong. She was quite mortified and things got a lot better after that.

As frustrating as it sounds, there's nothing you can do. My MIL/FIL are similar to this, and they wouldn't listen. They looked after my son between the ages of 1 and 3, and throughout that time he was a nightmare as their pandering to him had a massive effect (I was working full time)
But I'm glad to report that as soon as he stopped going to theirs on a daily basis his behaviour improved. He's now 8 and a really kind person. So there is hope!