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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be suspicious that he's buying viagra in secret?

46 replies

Hellowyellow · 02/02/2017 20:30

Posted this in relationships but not getting much response so here goes...

Found out recently partner has been buying viagra in secret. Twice in the last three months. Confronted him and he says he's had trouble getting a 'full erection' sometimes and didn't tell me as he found it embarrassing. I've never noticed any problems in that department. He claims I wouldn't necessarily have noticed.

This doesn't make sense to me - if it was only occasional, how did he know when to take one? Would I have noticed if he'd taken it with me? Would he have found it difficult to come or wanted to do it more than once? Never noticed any of this happening.

Also, has anyone caught their partner buying viagra in secret when there hasn't been other signs of cheating? Obviously alarm bells are ringing. I found out at the same time he'd taken an std test (we've been together 4 years, he says he had a pain in his testicle and thought a full screening would be a good idea). He does have a history of cheating, unfortunately.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hellowyellow · 03/02/2017 07:34

He got the all clear but I think I should get checked anyway, as god knows what he's up to.

Apparently the pain in his testicle went away on its own

And ok it might check out about the testing, but the viagra as well??

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 03/02/2017 07:43

Surely if he presented at the clinic with testicle pain and got the all clear, he would have been referred on to another doctor to find out what was causing the pain?

My exDP had a secret, private std check. When I found out he claimed it was because he thought I might've been cheating. Guess what! He'd been having a year long affair. And prostitutes were also involved.

Of course what he did doesn't mean your DP is. But usually the most obvious explanation is the real one. Nobody gets an sti check unless they think they have an sti or there's a chance that they have one.

Bluebellevergreen · 03/02/2017 07:43

So sorry that you are put in this position OP. Having been with serial cheaters myself I am afraid I think he is.
The fact that he emotionally manipulated with "I didnt want to tell you that this happens occasionally" (arent you there having sex with him when it happens/ you would notice) as if playing nice shy guy.
That he kind of blamed you for having to get the STD test (maybe you had cheated?!)

And the lack of sense of the story. In a committed relationship you would chat to partner and discuss then doctor would run tests to see if it is a physiological or psycological issue.

And you have never noticed?

Not good

Original poster

Hellowyellow · 03/02/2017 07:56

Thanks everyone. It does seem so obvious and that was my initial instinct/reaction too. He has used prostitutes in the past so I wouldn't be that surprised if he was doing it again. Currently blaming myself for him being unhappy in our relationship and wondering if I could have been a better partner to stop this from happening

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Mungobungo · 03/02/2017 08:06

It's not you that needs to be a better partner, OP.

If he's back to old ways, and the sti test and viagra use sounds too dodgy not to be true, then that's all on HIM, no matter how he tried to deflect it to you. There's no excuse to his behaviour other than he's a selfish arse who thinks he can have his cake and eat it. That's on him, not you.

LouisevilleLlama · 03/02/2017 08:19

Don't blame yourself OP. If you are/were having regular sex then what else could you do? even if you didn't have sex with him for 5 years he could have discussed it with you and then decided to end it if he felt that strongly about it.

Putting somebody else's health at risk is an absolutely cuntish thing to do, and that's before adding on the extra cunt points for cheating

ShowMePotatoSalad · 03/02/2017 08:40

If he took an STI test then it sounds like he had unprotected sex with someone. Definitely get checked out and don't take his word for him telling you it came back all clear.

It doesn't look good - why do men suddenly start using viagra when they're cheating? Getting their money's worth with a prostitute - how lovely.

mainlywingingit · 03/02/2017 08:47

Also if he had a pain in his testicle why would he not have mentioned it to you?

I'd get all your ducks in a row and let him think for the moment that you've accepted his explanation.

Does he stay away with business?

Mamia15 · 03/02/2017 08:53

Once a punter always a punter - this man thinks its ok to buy women's bodies and views women as objects to be used :(

Not a suitable life partner.

Get tested and get rid. You can do so much better.

AhYerWill · 03/02/2017 08:59

You know he's a cheat and he's definitely been hiding stuff from you. Whether or not he's cheated this time (which seems likely), you don't trust him, and you never will. That in itself is enough reason to leave. I guess you could go through his bank statements and look for unusual transactions, but really, why bother? Having proof he's cheating won't have any impact on the outcome of your split.

pinkdelight · 03/02/2017 09:08

"Currently blaming myself for him being unhappy in our relationship and wondering if I could have been a better partner to stop this from happening"

Please please try to stop taking this line of thought. It's entirely him. He's done it with others. He's done it with you. It's not your fault in anyway. He's got problems and you can't fix them for him. If he's unhappy in your relationship he should deal with it like a grown up, not cheat and lie and try to make you feel bad. And I guarantee that he'll play on this tendency to blame yourself and make you feel guilty, make you feel sorry for poor him being unhappy in your relationship, and then when he's safe back with his feet under the table, he'll carry on pleasing himself. Make yourself happy and give your love to your DC and someone much more deserving of it.

Original poster

Hellowyellow · 03/02/2017 09:49

Thank you all for your kind words. He's so good at playing the part of the good guy who's changed his ways I always somehow end up feeling bad. Yes I haven't been a perfect partner but neither has he, I've never felt the need to go shagging anyone else.

It's true his attitude towards women stinks. i think he genuinely believes that most prostitutes are doing it by choice, or at least the ones he's slept with are yeah right.

He does occasionally go away with work but hasn't done for a while.

'Getting my ducks in a row' - I love this expression but what does it mean in practical terms? At the moment I am acting normal whilst figuring out the best way to get out.

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SansComic · 03/02/2017 09:50

Playing devil's advocate:

You, nor I know any other poster know if he's cheated.

STD tests also test for Ds not necessarily caught from ST, if you see what I mean. A test isn't proof he's cheated.

I'd imagine needing viagra is embarrassing and can see why someone may want to buy it in secret.

This poster said it perfectly - "You know he's a cheat and he's definitely been hiding stuff from you. Whether or not he's cheated this time (which seems likely), you don't trust him, and you never will. That in itself is enough reason to leave."

A lack of trust can ruin a relationship as mucch as cheating. You may never know either way for sure but a lifetime of wondering isn't worth it, in my opinion.

user892 · 03/02/2017 09:58

I'd have an initial appointment with a family solicitor - you're not married so the split is simpler, but it also means the only financial support you're entitled to from him is for your child.

You'll have to work out what to do with the house - whether you can afford to buy him out of his share, or if it'll need to be sold and you buy / rent your own individual properties.

Access for your child will need to be agreed upon too.

There's no evidence-gathering of his behaviour that will make any difference to any of the above, unless you deem him to be a danger to your child.

Original poster

Hellowyellow · 03/02/2017 10:43

Good advice, thank you. I think I'm just thinking if I can get evidence/make him admit he's been up to no good I can legitimately ask him to move out while we're getting all this sorted. Otherwise he won't go as he'll insist he's done no wrong and I have to put up with him being here.

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Original poster

Hellowyellow · 03/02/2017 10:49

Plus he'll make out to me and the whole world that the break up was MY fault, I had issues because I didn't trust him

OP posts:

BeachyKeen · 03/02/2017 11:38

If you have issues trusting him, it is because of the action he has taken. Not what you have done.
Why did he use an on line prescription instead of seeing his doctor? If there had been an issue, he'd have wanted follow up, right?
He doesn't have to admit anything. You don't have to prove anything. You can just say "Sorry, you aren't trustable, I need to call it a day before something really bad happens (like bringing home a little clap)"

I'm really sorry this is happening, but you don't want your dd to grow up seeing you treated badly, and thinking that's OK to accept from men.

Mamia15 · 03/02/2017 12:07

You don't need evidence to make him move out.

Get legal advice about how to get him out - you may have to force a sale of the house so that you get your share.

Organise CMS, council tax, tax credits etc. You may want to find out more about what you are entitled to by visiting CAB or googling.

fj3568 · 03/02/2017 18:59

My ex cheated and used viagra - I knew when he'd taken it cos his lips would swell up

Original poster

Hellowyellow · 05/02/2017 01:05

Seriously wtf is up with these men? You give them a good relationship with lovely dc and plenty of sex and they still feel the need to get their rocks off to some impoverished Eastern European who has no choice in their career. Seriously how low are their egos that this actually helps? Pathetic cunts.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hellowyellow · 05/02/2017 01:05

Sorry I'm a little angry today.

OP posts:

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