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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed that people don't understand that I don't have a gender preference?

39 replies

TheNewMrsGerardButler · 02/02/2017 11:46

Let me preface by saying that I'm heavily pregnant, uncomfortable and generally fed up.

I'm sick of people not understanding that I do not have a preference on gender. I'm due in 3 weeks with DC1 and we decided very early on not to find out what we're having. For us, it was part of the excitement to wait until the birth. This is something else people seem to have an issue with and seem very opinionated that it was silly not to find out so we can be prepared Yes, because clearly there are no gender neutral items available to buy in shops. If others want to find out the sex, that's great for them and I'm happy for them but we both wanted a surprise this time.

Anyway, a friend I haven't seen for a while came over yesterday. She's very black and white in her opinions, and can only see her own point of view. Obviously, it came up in conversation about the baby's sex. She could NOT understand that I genuinely do not have a preference on whether the baby is a boy or girl. It simply does not matter to us. We'll be happy to have a son or daughter and our main concern is that our child is happy and healthy. Oh but we MUST have a stronger desire for one or the other. NO, I really do not. This went on for 15 minutes and I just kept repeating "No, I don't have a preference either way".

AIBU to be annoyed that some people can't get that I don't have a gender preference? I'm prepared to be told I'm being hormonal

OP posts:

MinnieMinchkin · 02/02/2017 12:38

YANBU. I was so sure I was having a boy that I did ask at the 20 week scan, and am proud mum of a 7 year old girl.

Daft thing is, they grow up to be individuals rather than the gender stereotypes, anyway. Pity the macho father of a football-hating son, or the mum of a tomboy who wanted a doll-like daughter to dress up

Bluebellevergreen · 02/02/2017 12:39

Best lesson my pregnancy has taught me:
People are *unts

They always find a way to ruin things, can be gender, names, size, unhelpful comments.

I am trying to find a way to let it all slip. In the meantime I just remind myself that they are *unts

Whydidwedoit4times · 02/02/2017 12:44

I think a lot of people are just making conversation and don't really care but are feigning interest.

Surely to god no one really cares what sex the baby their friend or sil is having?

Really op it's a non issue just say you arnt bothered and change the conversation.

Astoria7974 · 02/02/2017 12:47

I totally sympathise. We're ttc (infertility) and always get told by parents how 'lucky' we are. I just want to shout- ' No you fucking twats. If we were so lucky we'd get pregnant without trying like you did'. Just ignore for your peace of mind.

SquatBetty · 02/02/2017 12:49

Currently 22 weeks pregnant and found out the sex (a girl as it happens and previous DC is a boy). As soon as I mentioned it to a couple of people I got the 'oh YOU must be so pleased' as if I would have been disappointed if baby had been another boy. Mind you DH got the 'oh YOU must be so pleased' when first DC was a boy.

Then you have to patiently explain to these simple minded souls that no, you and DH actually couldn't give a shit what sex the baby is. Some people seem to find this rather hard to believe though!

HotWellies · 02/02/2017 12:52

The 'disappointment' if you have one or the other is really odd too.

But I am an only child and my mum used to lament to me (and others) 'I am so sad that I could not have given your father a son'.

We have ishoos, my mum and I.

HotWellies · 02/02/2017 12:53

The claims that you 'must be disappointed' I mean- Idid not express that properly.

MissMooMoo · 02/02/2017 12:59

Currently 25 weeks and we also have chosen not to find out.
People keep asking me what I would prefer, I honestly don't care if we have a boy or a girl!
I have also got the preperation comments from lots of people.

TheTantrumCometh · 02/02/2017 13:02

I'm expecting my third. We've never found out what we're having. We had a DD first so of course when I was expecting DC2 everyone made comments about obviously wanting a boy. I didn't, I really didn't mind either way. When DS was born I had all the comments about stopping at two because I had one of each. My friends who had two DD's or two DS's had the opposite comments about trying for a third.

Of course now that I'm pregnant with DC3 and I already have one of each I now obviously don't mind what I have, because clearly I had a preference before. It's very frustrating!

Blondeshavemorefun · 02/02/2017 16:31

I got asked this lots before we found out sex

We wanted to find out so could buy pink or blue rather then white grey etc

Honest answer. Honestly didn't care. Waited 10yrs for this baby and countless failed ivf

Just over joyed our 5th cycle worked

Honesty didn't care whether 💓💙 just wanted a baby

Many people find this hard

CigarsofthePharoahs · 02/02/2017 16:45

The thing that comes to mind when reading your op is just how pointless it is to have a strong preference for one sex or the other. You don't get the choice.
I found out at the 20wk scan with both of my children. We wanted to have a name ready for our little bundles. I'll be honest, I had a secret preference for a girl with my first but was pretty certain I was having a boy. I was right.
He's a great kid, if a bit obsessed with poo and bottoms at the moment.
I was also sure that ds2 was a boy, but I didn't have a preference at that point.
I have had comments about trying for a girl. Why? I wanted two children, I got two children. If we went for #3 we'd probably get another boy anyway!

AlmostAJillSandwich · 02/02/2017 16:51

I absolutely understand how you feel, i feel very similarly when i tell people i do not, and have not, ever desired children. They Always make out like i'll change my mind "when i'm older" "when i meet the right man" "when the time is right" etc. It is a perfectly valid, even if uncommon, desire to not want children, just like it is a perfectly valid, even if uncommon, desire to just want a healthy baby and not care about gender.

user1485706893 · 02/02/2017 16:53

I didn't find out with my first pregnancy and I absolutely didn't mind which sex it was, people are still a bit confused by this really and others keep saying that with this pregnancy, you have to find out this time, we never knew what to buy you last time (don't get it, a lot of baby things are white / cream) blah blah. They're insisting I must want one of each sex and tbh I don't care lol. Oh well! People will just have to get over it.

Andrewofgg · 02/02/2017 17:47

I am old enough to remember when there were no scans (or at least not as a routine) and it was wait-and-see for everyone - and I am not sure we are any better off with the option (although of course I know that scans have all sorts of benefits, I'm not suggesting we stop them!).

Most of us born in pre-scan days have a "shadow name" - the one our parents had chosen if they had drawn the other ticket in the lottery - and so do some younger people whose parents chose two lots of names before the scan. If you don't know yours and you have a parent or elder sibling living, ask; you might get a shock. I was to be Beatrix Claire and I think I had a lucky escape!

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