To feel like I'm cracking up?

[beemee]

I'm on a grad scheme in finance and finding it really tough. The work itself is fine and not too difficult, it's the internal politics that are hard.

I work in a department of over 200 people and everyday I have to meet several new people, sometimes go for lunch with them, introduce myself and just generally be sociable!

I am a sociable person and I enjoy meeting people but I am also fairly anxious (even though I try to hide it well) and this has made my anxiety go through the roof!!

I find it really has not having a support network at work and always being passed from pillar to post - plus I over analyse every social encounter I have and then feel awful about myself after!

I have also gained weight recently and feel really self-conscious and ugly in a department made up primarily of men and attractive women. Im very petite but feel dumpy and horrible/conscious that I look "different" from the others, who always look crisp and professional and extremely atttsctuve.

I felt like when I started, I put on a good show and made a good first impression, but I feel like I'm really degenerating and basically cracking up. Please help!

We hot desk and I find it so hard and distracting working in an open-plan office/not knowing where I'll be sitting/who I'll be talking/what I'll be doing that day! I'm a bit of an extroverted introvert and need time and peace to be at my best. I feel like I'm an effort to counteract this, I go a bit manic and people have definitely noticed this.

Oh my gosh. I'm on a grad scheme in law and in terms of the other people looking constantly professional and attractive, and me being short and wide, I completely understand. It's so hard to be in that environment everyday, feeling like everyone else just has it together so easily and I'm struggling to tread water! I find it comforting that they must struggle with something, like I'm great with the IT and they struggle to print, but it doesn't always work. And they always look so damn good!
As for the sociable lunches everyday, that does sound really hard. I have my own desk and department (thank god) but I can imagine hot desk-ing is so unsettling!
The same as you, when I first arrived I found myself using every day with the other trainees and colleagues. I've since taken a slow step back- I go off on my own maybe 3 days a week, and it means it's a bit more interesting when I do hang out with them. I don't think (I hope!) they don't judge me for not constantly being there, and they still include me as one of the group if we're going out later and things. So maybe try that? Like once a week find somewhere away from the office to have lunch. I find a bit of a walk to somewhere also helps!
Hope I helped. Or at least reassured you you're not alone!