Advice really appreciated

[MezBezfan]

Hiya all!

First time poster here, your honesty is appreciated - no matter how brutal.

Me and my SO are going through it at the minute, he's unfortunately battling with depression and its getting on top of us.

He says he's really unhappy in our relationship because I haven't been supporting him in the right way. That's fair enough, I've been giving him a spanner when he needs a screw driver (metaphorically). Its something I need to change because its making him unhappy, I can and have changed that (IMO).

The trouble I'm facing is that I've made these changes and he's still unhappy with our relationship, every time we have an argument he thinks we should split up - but we never do.

Apart from walking on egg shells worrying about saying the wrong thing, I'm quite happy in our relationship. His depression is hard to deal with, but I signed up for that.

I don't want to split up with him, but equally there's really no point being with me if I'm making him unhappy plus its bad for his health.

We've had quite a promising few days together recently where I thought things were looking up but I told an unnecessary white lie last night about something pretty stupid and it sent him bat sh** crazy.

Now he's saying he thinks we should split up again, I'm a bit lost in the whole thing now to be honest.

For those who want to know the context of the argument..
David Luiz took a free kick against Liverpool which went in. He asked me if I saw it, I said yes (I hadn't seen it). Pretty pointless lie I know, if I'd have said I hadn't seen it he would have re-wound the telly and make me watch it. I really didn't care about David Luiz's dazzling free kick.

*Apart from walking on egg shells worrying about saying the wrong thing, I'm quite happy in our relationship"

That doesn't sound very happy to me.

Have you approached your DP and asked him what, in a perfect world, he would like to happen? Presumably he outlined how he would like to be supported by you, you implemented those things and still they're wrong for him? Does he really think he'd be better off without you or is that a self defence mechanism because he's frightened you'll leave?

Can you tell us a bit more about the situation - is your DP getting help (medication, counselling)? Is this the first time you have faced it together?

I really hope someone with experience of supporting someone in this way comes along soon because I'm no help, I'm sorry. I just wanted you to know that it sounds like you're doing nothing wrong and I feel for you. There is another thread on here today started by someone feeling the pressure of supporting a partner through depression, I'm sure a read of that would make you feel less alone if nothing else.

Look after yourself. Giving someone such unconditional love in a time of great need is a wonderful thing but don't lose sight of the fact you have needs too.

Thanks TooSmittle

I have approached him yeah we had a long chat about it - a good chat about it, one where I thought we came to decent understanding. Those changes were implemented however he still feels the same unhappiness, whats frustrating is he now cant tell me how he doesnt feel supported he just "doesnt feel supported".

I know depression is a menace, he is on medication and has been for pretty much his whole life. So it could very much be that this is just the depression talking and I'm not the problem here. I don't want to be selfish and make that assumption, if I AM the cause of his unhappiness then something needs to be done to fix that.

formerbabe: You're right with your comment there absolutely. I'm not ecstatic about the situation at all, my dad died a year or so ago. He was 52 and just pegged it out of the blue. Since then I've developed a high level of BS tolerance - for me life is too small to sweat the small stuff which is why walking on egg shells doesnt make me too unhappy.

Obviously without knowing every tiny detail of your lives it's impossible to definitively say that you are not causing the problem here, but based on what you've written it certainly doesn't sound like it. I don't want to start slating your DP because he is clearly not a well man at all, but his reaction to your little fib about the football is not what I would consider a 'normal' response at all, at least not in any of the relationships I've ever had.

Does he have darker and lighter times? Have you seen this happen before? I'm wondering if this is something that will change or revert. Could it be a very delayed response to the very traumatic events of last year? He must have seen your pain and being unable to be a solid support for you might have evoked big feelings of guilt and inadequacy. Actually that would make sense given the fact it's now around the anniversary of your father's passing, and his insistence he wants to split could be a symptom of that.

Is it time for big questions as to whether you want to carry on like this? Or do you need to try and deal with it now and ask the big questions later? Because it doesn't have to be this way... just quietly putting it out there.

Huge condolences to you over the sudden loss of your dad, I'm so sorry

This sounds tough. Its funny how different people react differently. To me feeling like I was walking on egg shells would absolutely be in the 'big stuff' category. Feeling uncomfortable in my home and in my relationship would just not be sustainable for me, I would want it resolved or the relationship to end, as I think after a while it could be quite damaging.
I notice you use metaphors like spanner and screw driver, and I get the sense that both you and your SO think you can in some way fix him. If so do you think this is a reasonable view given his history?