AIBU to feel hurt that DS seems to prefer MIL?

[CheeseCat85]

Hi,

Just after some opinions. DS is 1 and MIL has him 2 days a week whilst I'm at work. I have a good relationship with her on the whole but she is very "full on" and tends to take over things a lot.
She means well I'm sure but if DS is crying whilst I am there and I'm trying to comfort him she will immediately take him off me and start to comfort her himself. She also does this to members of my own family if they have him too, not just me. The thing is when MIL is there DS seems to want her more than me- she can settle him quicker and he will crawl away from me and towards her. I know he's only a baby but this is really hurtful as DS is my world and I spend the majority of my time when not in work revolving my life round him, looking after him and playing etc. I pride myself on being the best mother I can be.
This morning when DS crawled towards me when eating my breakfast she said "oh you only want your Mum coz she has food" and once again took his away from me immediately and picked him up (which he didn't seem to mind). She probably means well thinking 'I'll let her eat' but it's so full on and it's really starting to get me down. On my days off she's always texting me asking how he slept/how he is etc. It's lovely she cares but it's a bit much.
I'm so glad DS loves his grandmother, and that she loves him- they have a special bond. It's really lovely watching them together, but I just wish she didn't take him off me all the time when I'm there or act like she's his Mum instead of me. Furthermore I wish my DS would prefer me to settle him when he's upset/tired if I'm there!
Being too sensitive?

That's it, I don't want to fight her for him, it's lovely that they have such a special bond an I'm so grateful for all she and FIL do for us, and would never want him not to have a special relationship with GPs. But there are boundaries and sometimes I feel as though she oversteps them and makes me feel very small and hurt in the process. When DS clearly would prefer to go to her sometimes I feel she secretly loves it!
When MIL is not there DS clearly knows I'm his Mum and it's obvious he wants me, but that seems to go out the window when MIL is there and she actively encourages him to stay away from me it seems. I think she thinks she's giving me a break, but it's not appreciated.

My MIL is exactly like this and its not easy. She's also fairly thick skinned and doesn't take hints. As others have said I am just very firm and ignore the comments that MIL makes and have been known to take my DCs out of her hands if I want to - at the end of the day I am my DC's mummy and what I say goes.

I look after my grandson a lot whilst his mum works. He loves me and I love him. When he's with me he very rarely mentions his mum but the minute she comes in he's very excited to see her. But when he's with me, I play with him, take him out lots, sing and dance to silly stuff on the tv, we have a great time. I'm not saying she doesn't do the same but obviously her time is more limited than mine.

I'm the "fun" one, she's the boring one, for want of a better description. However at the end of the day he goes home with her but if he wanted to stay here, that would be fine as long as she was happy.

So many parents have no interest or input from the grandparents, so your lucky that she loves him enough to give him her time and love. I agree that taking him from you is not good but perhaps she's doing it from a place of love, to give you a break?

I'm the "fun" one, she's the boring one, for want of a better description

Please come up with a better description of the difference between you and his probably quite busy and stressed mummy!

Yes washbasket I do think the majority of it does come from love, she thinks she's giving me a break I think. And I appreciate she's helping us out with childcare, it's just hurtful when she acts as though she's his Mum whilst I'm there (fair enough when I'm not-she's his main caregiver when I'm not) and he's now started to want her when he's upset/tired even when I'm there too. But I suppose that could just be a phase as with most 1 year olds, but she seems to encourage it. I need to politely and firmly say so next time she does it. DP said he will have a polite word, although I don't think he really understands or takes me seriously, he thinks I'm being over sensitive, so I'm dubious about how he might word whatever he says! My DM is not like this at all, so he would never have this problem with her so I suppose he can't relate as much.

Ok Trifleorbust, perhaps boring is not the right description. To be fair, she does do a lot with him, and she takes him out with her everywhere when she's not working or he's at nursery. A better description might be that we are both care-givers, but each of us is 'different'? I take him places where she can't (upstairs at my work for the cake sale, for example). At grandma's he has grandma's 'special fruit, special raisins ' etc. We all love him and are giving him the love of all his family, albeit in different ways.

You need to start standing up for yourself or things r just going to get worse.

She cannot undermine u. End of.

She's not just going u a favour. Ur doing her a big favour too by leaving ur baby alone with her. She gets to play. Stand your ground or you will end up having a child who one day will resent u. Or u will become more and more unhappy. This is a slippery slope.

Time to man up.

TBH having a DG there who actually wants look after ur DC whilst you go to work is worth their weight in gold. Try leaving your baby at a nursery two days a week, with people who you hope will care for your baby well, but who are obviously no substitute for family. Just be happy that he doesnt yell his head off when you leave him, so you dont have constant guilt trips while working. Embrace the positive things he gets out of it rather than the negativity you feel.

Why do you let her take him? Why not say "hold on, I'm settling him he is fine, leave us alone" I'm not sure why you would just sit back if it bothered you so much.

I have a one year old and they don't have any grandparents well enough to look them. Your MIL is worth her weight in gold and you should be super grateful to have her, remove your emotion and think about it, she won't be there forever.

I would kill for a mil like yours.
You are his mummy and you will always be the most important person in his life.
You will be the one who makes him feel secure and loved and he will rely on you for everything. Just enjoy the relationship he has with mil.
How lovely to have someone he is comfortable with.
She won't be doing anything out of malice or to better you. She will just be doing out if sheer love for her grandson.

Oh come on Chilli - it's always really mean to say "I haven't got this, so you should count yourself lucky you have."

OP, I think your opening post should be read by anyone who's about to become a grandparent. It's horrible to feel your child prefers someone else and horrible, too, to know that's observed with glee.

And WashBaskets, I think you really do need to pay attention and maybe re-read what the OP is saying. From the sound of it this could be your DIL talking.

I can relate with the taking over, OP. My mil takes over from me as soon as she steps into our house or vice versa. I'm expected by everyone to accept it as we don't see them that often which isn't easy as no one sticks up for me. So I try to find my own personal balance by asking for mil to do some things but being firm that some responsibilities are mine.

Make sure you discuss this with your dp before your holiday. we went on our first beach holiday with pil and they told me to stay at the house so they could take dd to the beach on their own. They did it by pretending to be helpful but they clearly did not want me there. I was totally sidelined and it made me really sad and angry. I've started standing up to them a bit more now which helps.

Having helpful Inlaws is great but they aren't there to take over your role and make you feel pushed out. Good luck.

I am super grateful to have MIL, FIL too. They are lovely people and they do a lot for us. As I've said in op I'm so happy that DS has such a special bond with MIL, it honestly means the world to me that he's being looked after by people who love him so much. I'm not jealous of MIL, but my issue is when she takes over and snatches him off and me, and just basically undermines me in general when I'm there in regards to DS sometimes. I do not think there's any malice behind this at all, she's trying to help. But it's still hurtful when it seems that she takes over and acts like the main caregiver when I'm there. Obviously when I'm not there it's completely fine that she acts like that! I've said before on a pp that I am going to try and stand up to her when she does it when I'm there. I'm not a confrontational person and as PIL do so much for us I would hate to offend her, hence why I've not said anything before. She doesn't ask "shall I take him?" Which would leave me the chance to say "no thanks I've got him" she just quite literally snatches him out of my arms, so anything I said at that stage would sound quite confrontational and that's something I would struggle with, but I'm going to try and do it as politely as possible.
I'm well aware that relationships with GPS are worth their weight in gold- I'm massively appreciative. My op was purely in reference to the fact that she takes over when I'm there, making me feel very inadequate, and it rubs salt into the wound when DS seems to prefer to go to MIL when I'm still there.