Nursery Issue

[TreacleTreacleLittleStar]

Ok this may be misunderstood as sexism but it honest to God is not meant like that...

My Daughter is sadly scared of men after some stuff that her now-absent Father put her through and made her witness. (He's now not allowed anywhere near either of us thankfully).

Anyway, I explained it briefly but clearly to her Nursery before she started that IF men were around, be them Daddies or Staff, then she may act scared of them. Mostly just so they understood WHY she was acting like this. And NOT to request that men weren't around her, as that was not what I was saying and would be highly unreasonable to request.

They were fine about it. No issues.

Anyway, the other month when I arrived to pick her up, this man was wandering around the Tinies room, not wearing uniform but picking random babies up and I couldn't understand who he was. I'd previously been introduced to all Staff but he couldn't have been a Daddy as he was picking different kids up and holding them. Yet he was asking their names? Anyway, when I enquired to the Manager a few days later, just casually, she said he was Agency Staff. Fair enough. I explained that I was just confused that's all. And she then apologised and said "Yeah. I'm sorry you weren't introduced, it was a last minute thing" Fair enough...

Just dropped my little girl off now and yet again, there was another random Guy there walking towards my Daughter to pick her up and sure enough, she's terrified and in hysterics... Once again, I have not been introduced, nor told what he is there for/as...

Am I being unreasonable?? Should they have told me? Given my Daughter's past? Or even just in general???

I know this may anger some people on here. But PLEASE no nasty comments. I'm sat in my car in tears after seeing my Daughter so upset & scared again. I'm asking this question in order to determine how I deal with this and if Nursery is the best idea for my little girl right now. And how best to tackle these apparent issues my 2yr old quite clearly still has. In other words it's a very sensitive subject for me, so please tread carefully.

NB: I am NOT expecting nor demanding any special treatment from the Nursery Staff, nor am I expecting or demanding that they only have female staff. That isn't the issue. If men are there to work that is fine by me. I can deal with that situation by introducing her to him myself, gently. Which has worked in the past. And yes, I have explained this to the Nursery and they supposedly fully understood and agreed with that.

Thanks x

I think you need all that she's introduced to any new staff, full stop. Male or female.

Go back to the nursery and demand that they introduce your daughter to all new staff.
I would be thinking about finding her a new nursery I you can't trust them to remember this request.

Hey, don't give yourself such a hard time for being so concerned you are right. Speak to them again.

Look my child is severely allergic (anaphylaxis) to egg. The nursery have to provide care to accommodate that. I don't see your request as any different. They should brief male workers about the children and he/they should know to give your child space/certain approach of care that you've agreed to.

Dont be apologising, go speak to them asap.

Gosh OP, how upsetting for you and your DD. Nursery can have quite a high staff turnover and often have to rely on agency staff. It shocked me at first too as there were so many new people arriving what seemed like each week. I think the nursery has not handled your situation well and you need to let them know that you're unhappy. YaNbu.

Does she have key worked? Most kids wouldn't be happy with someone they don't know. My 3 yr old refuses to be dropped off unless it's one of 4 workers who know him well. He knows others by sight from nursery but won't go to them iykwim

Tbh in your situation I'd be looking for childminder who can help with men fear. My friend who childminds had a girl exactly the same and used my dh who was a sahd to slowly get her used to men. He would be in the room at toddler group but not interact, slowly after 6 months or more she was happy to play with dh

I wasn't introduced / told about an agency worker at DC's nursery. She was there for a term. It took me a week of seeing her in the playground before I asked who she was. I don't think you can expect to be informed under 'normal' circumstances. They might just be there for one day as emergency cover, but example.

However, as yours is a unique situation, I think you can insist that you are given as much warning as possible and that you are introduced at drop-off.

I don't think it's feasible to insist that you are the one who would introduce a temp worker to your DD every time. Fair enough if they know in advance that a male worker will be there and he is there at your drop-off, but what are they supposed to do if they have someone phone in sick that morning and the temp worker doesn't get there until after you have dropped off and gone to work?

I think you need to have a conversation about how you can work together to resolve this issue, noting that DD will need someone that she knows already to introduce the male temp worker to your DD. You could also agree that the male temp worker wouldn't do any personal care for DD, as I would imagine that she would find this particularly stressful.

Hopefully some positive exposure to male carers will be helpful for her, but I know it can be stressful for everyone concerned if you aren't 100% confident in your childcare choices

I think you should be introduced to all new staff as standard, and you're perfectly right to raise issues that your wee DD has so the nursery staff can make sure she's as happy and settled as possible in nursery. Don't worry about approaching them, if they're good at what they do they will fully understand.

I just called the Manager and apparently he's a new permanent Member of Staff that my Daughter is supposedly already familiar with?? I did say that I'm all for equalities and I think it's great to see men in that line of work. And it may even help my little girl to get used to being around men, but I'd like to have been introduced to him. To which she just said that she would allow me to have a sneak peek when I arrive later before they tell her I'm there?? Didn't really answer me properly there, but never mind.

I think I'm going to try find a Childminder. I just don't want to confuse my girl. She already spends a lot of time with my Mum which I wish was avoidable. I like that she goes to Nursery and mixes with other kids. And she loves the soft play they have there!

It does sound like they're not taking your concerns about your DDs fears seriously, which they should be. Hopefully you can find new childcare which you're confident in and your DD will be happy.

I hate to be the horrible one here but surely if your little girl is already familiar with this new male worker then that's actually helping her already? Have you seen her first hand react to him in the hysterical way you describe?

If no then pulling her out is just going to set her back. why is it that your the one that needs to vet him before your DD does???

Maybe see how she is reacting with him.. if she seems to be doing well then no need to pull her out as its progress.

The op did say that she was terrified and in hysterics.
I think you need to either move your dd or have some kind of plan in place for gradually introducing her to male members of staff. So maybe you introducing her if possible or they could sit with a toy she likes and see if she will approach them. Just trying to pick her up while she's crying and terrified doesn't seem to be the best way to go about it. I'd want to know if the member of staff had even been made aware of the problem as he may not have been.

I thought that was her reaction to the first man not this new permanent member of staff?

my bad miss read the first post

I'd say she needs more exposure to men not less
I completely get that it upsets you but she can't spend her whole life being scared of half the population

I'd also be very concerned that they haven't listened to your daughters needs. My initial response was to move elsewhere, however this issue is something your daughter really needs to get over and a caring, safe positive male role model could really help.

I'd be inclined to really forcefully spell this issue out, in writing, and then give it another go. A childminder is a slightly more mollycoddled environment. Many kids need that, but I think the nursery is worth another shot first.