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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

where to go next - baby sleep related

43 replies

Snifftest · 31/01/2017 12:47

DS has been a dreadful sleeper from the get go. He is now 13mo and has never slept longer than 4 hours. He is breastfed. He attends nursery/ childcare full time, refuses milk from other sources but eats very well when away from me.

The issue is him staying asleep/ self settling during the night. He can do it with a bit of a winge at bed time, we no longer feed to sleep. He will sleep for 3 - 4 hours then wake to feed. If not fed he will scream/ cry/ claw at whoever goes to settle him. He will then scream/ cry for hours if not fed. The issue is if fed, he will go back to sleep very quickly, but will not unlatch. Putting him down then stars he scream/cry cycle again. If I allow him to feed until he unlatches he feeds for upwards of 1hr and will then wake again approx 45mins later and so it goes all night. I'm averaging 3-4 hours of broken sleep a night. We've tried a more thorough bedtime routine, cosleeping (which I HATE and got less sleep), later bedtime, earlier bed time, dummy, offering water/food/milk. Husband has done whole night shifts. We have tried controlled crying, kept it up for 2 weeks with no improvement at all. This week we tried CC again, I've not slept past 3am any night.

I don't know what to do. I'm exhausted, I'm stressed. I'm back at work (social services) full time and finding it really difficult to manage, I've got child care issues and we are trying to move house (should have completed before Christmas but heyho).

I don't know what else to do. We've tried controlled crying, which I really I didn't want to do but seriously couldn't cope anymore and it didn't fucking work!

OP posts:

Pissedoffhousewife · 02/02/2017 14:09

I don't know if I can post this (?) but I used The Blissful Baby Expert when I had similare problems with DD around the same age. She has a book and a forum. She really helped us!

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 02/02/2017 14:29

You know what? I did controlled crying with my son and I refuse to be made to feel guilty about it. That was when he was 14 months, he's now five. Has he suffered any ill effects? No. Would he remember being left to cry for five, then ten, then 15 etc. minutes until he wore himself out? Of course not.

The child is centred in these activities (I mean the bedtime and breastfeeding). No child remembers this period of their lives, it's OK to look after yourself as a mother! It's ok to say 'this might not be what I thought I was going to do, but it's not going to do any harm or damage to my child. It will have a positive effect for me and completely neutral effect for the child'.

Fuck being made to feel guilty at every possible turn when you become a mother!

Sorry OP, I'm not having a go, truly I'm not, I'm just very passionate about mum's being looked after as well as children. We're all human. We all deserve to NOT be exhausted

JeanLouise123 · 02/02/2017 14:51

I am almost in the exact same position. My child is 13 months, breastfed, awful sleeper. I won't do CC though. What we tried a month ago was partial Nightweaning.

8pm. Feed and then bed (mostly awake).
8 - 11pm. If he woke is shushed back to sleep.
11 - 12pm. Feed
12 - 6am. No milk. Cuddled, patted, shushed to sleep.
6am+ as much milk as wanted

Not ideal but far more manageable, once he learned to sleep the longer stretch, it took I think 8 days, he's stubborn! But we did it as gently as possible. That's a 7 hour stretch of sleep for you, if you can hack the initial awful week.

Now however, he is ill, I am ill, so it is all shot. I will start again once we are both better.

Kronutpearl · 02/02/2017 14:52

I also agree nightweaning is key.

Scaredycat3000 · 02/02/2017 14:57

And if night weaning doesn't work you've just removed, possibly permanently, the only reliable way to get them back to sleep.

peeinthepotty · 02/02/2017 14:59

Is he getting enough to eat during the day and at his last feed?

Kronutpearl · 02/02/2017 15:00

It's more likely to work than not scaredy. What baby is going to want to sleep for longer stretches if every time they wake up they get given a lovely drink of milk?

At 5 months no I would not advocate night weaning but, for eg, no 11mo needs to have milk 4 or 5 times overnight. They just don't.

mummymeister · 02/02/2017 15:04

scaredycat - it isn't the only way to get a child to sleep, feeding them at night.

what would happen if the OP or anyone else in this situation suddenly had to go away for a week - on business, family issue, hospital or whatever.

then the child would be in a situation where it couldn't be breast fed. this happens to people irl and they manage it. and as Felicia says, with no ill effects on the child.

JeanLouise, what you describe the shushing back to sleep, is not that far removed from controlled crying.

I think its just up to the OP to try a range of things and see what works because at the end of the day she has to be looked after as well as the child. I hope there are enough good suggestions on here OP for you to feel energised into giving some of the go and that one, any one, works for you.

Kronutpearl · 02/02/2017 15:04

I think people get confused between controlled crying and cry it out.

JeanLouise123 · 02/02/2017 15:05

That's one of the reasons I did partial nightweaning.

JeanLouise123 · 02/02/2017 15:09

Oh yeah he defo cried! I just can't leave him. I know the crying is probably harder for me than him. I thought CC had an element of leaving the child. I think you just go with whatever is easiest for both you and the baby, I'm happy to play the slightly longer game for few less tears.

Kronutpearl · 02/02/2017 15:10

It does but how long you leave them for is up to you. My DS was never left for more than ten minutes, and never left if hysterical either.

I do believe they need to learn to self settle, however much Sarah bloody ockwell smith drones on about it being a developmental thing.

mummymeister · 02/02/2017 15:11

scaredycat - it isn't the only way to get a child to sleep, feeding them at night.

what would happen if the OP or anyone else in this situation suddenly had to go away for a week - on business, family issue, hospital or whatever.

then the child would be in a situation where it couldn't be breast fed. this happens to people irl and they manage it. and as Felicia says, with no ill effects on the child.

JeanLouise, what you describe the shushing back to sleep, is not that far removed from controlled crying.

JeanLouise123 · 02/02/2017 15:26

Oh one last piece of advice OP, whatever you decide to do, be consistent with it. Every. Single. Time.

Kronutpearl · 02/02/2017 15:27

I second that. Don't try something for one night and decide it doesn't work!

StrawberryMummy90 · 02/02/2017 20:11

Throne it's great things got better for you after a few years but very often it gets harder to break the habit the older they get and you could end up with a 4 year old who is struggling to adapt to sleeping all night by themselves. It's not fair on the parent and even more unfair on the child to have broken sleep for the first few years of their life for no actual reason. Good quality sleep is extremely important and if CC is done correctly causes absolutely no harm to the child. I think it's far more cruel for a child to be dependent on feeding to sleep and up every couple of hours thinking they need to feed in order to go back to sleep.

Batteriesallgone · 02/02/2017 20:16

Sorry haven't RTFT but what music have you tried?

Sod lullabies, the only music I know that works for babies is rock. Metallica has wondrous baby soothing powers. Although have managed to get DD onto soft rock which is more bearable to sleep deprived ears.

We play music on DHs phone, I latch on, feed for however long is bearable, I unlatch then quickly stand up while she protests and pass to DH who rocks her to the music. She goes back to sleep and he sits on her bed with her for a song or two until she goes back to sleep then puts her down and she'll sleep for another 4 hour block.

Can't get her past 4 hours yet (over 2) but the teamwork makes wake ups fairly quick and bearable.

angelicjen · 02/02/2017 20:57

You have my total sympathy. I've been there and it sucks. I had to pay a sleep consultant for help and it has worked. He's still not perfect but he is a hell of a lot better and I feel human(ish) again.

So, every single night waking just go in, very very calmly (no matter how much you are screaming in your head) lie him back down and step back, maybe say something calm and repetitive, and stay in the room until he's asleep. My experience was that the first few nights he still woke up every couple of hours and I had to lie a screaming baby down a zillion times before he went back to sleep. But he did. And then he stared to believe I meant it. He wasn't coming in my bed, he wasn't getting fed, he was expected to sleep. On the 6th night he slept through for the first time ever. Now when he wakes, which he still does most nights, I just pop in, lie him down and he goes straight back to sleep. It saved my sanity.

You can change his expectations and responses but only if you change yours. You can do this! Good luck!

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