Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

AIBU - Crowd Funding a Funeral before person has died....

16 replies

Crowdblundering · 30/01/2017 22:11

One of my friends very sadly announced on her FB page on Friday that her most recent bout of cancer (her 5th, her first was when she was a child and she is now in her early 40s) has beaten her and she has two months to live at most.

She has daughters 17 and 14.

Tonight she has been tagged in a crowd funding post (with the words of her FB post copied and pasted) to fund her funeral - a sort of "lets do this!" post by one of her friends.

I just wonder if she has sanctioned this (having only found out 3 days ago that she is dying) and how her daughters feel.

I would rather donate towards something she can enjoy in the next few weeks and then donate towards a funeral fund when it's needed.

I dunno it's really upset me - it seems really brash and uncouth for her and her DDS - I was going to comment but thought I was probably being unreasonable

OP posts:

Floggingmolly · 30/01/2017 22:13

That's awful . How undignified.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 30/01/2017 22:16

It depends on whether she would have wanted this or not. If she did, then YABU because it's her decision but if she didn't, then yes I can see why you are uncomfortable. Very sad either way. Her daughters are at such a delicate age.

early30smum · 30/01/2017 22:18

I was going to say yabu if perhaps it was the woman herself who wanted to get everything 'sorted' and didn't want her D.C. and DH to have to deal with it all. But it's very odd for a friend to start it and to tag her?! Maybe she does know but yes it is a bit strange...

Original poster

Crowdblundering · 30/01/2017 22:19

I want to ask her if she is ok with it and if so I will donate but not sure how to .

It still makes me incredibly uncomfortable but and the wording "there nothing else we can do for her at this time". Clearly that's my own issue.

OP posts:

FishInAWetSuitAndFlippers · 30/01/2017 22:21

She might have been stressed about her daughters having to pay for her funeral.

I think it's up to her to decide what she is uncomfortable with or what she finds 'brash and uncouth'.

Don't say anything.

TrustySnail · 30/01/2017 22:27

Could you mention it to the elder daughter rather than directly to your friend and gauge her reaction?

pipsqueak25 · 30/01/2017 22:48

bloody hell does she even know about this ?

Original poster

Crowdblundering · 30/01/2017 22:50

I am not sure - she's tagged in it though so

OP posts:

Sugarcoma · 30/01/2017 22:50

I would telephone her, if she's genuinely a good friend. Speak to her, see how she is etc and then, towards the end of the convo, ask her about the crowdfunding. Don't just communicate by text/facebook message.

pipsqueak25 · 30/01/2017 22:53

awkward or what ? 'oh hi there, how are you ? by the way we're buying you a funeral !' serious tact needed op, i think sugar is about right with this one.

Grilledaubergines · 30/01/2017 22:53

Very very sad.

I'm really not about this crowd-funding.

Feels wildly inappropriate and undignified. If you want to raise money for the funeral or the family, it should be done with a bit of decorum. Self-gratifying publicly made donations and sad face emojis are just the opposite.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 30/01/2017 22:54

Wow. That would make me wince if I read it. But I suppose it's possible that the lady knows about it and, if the fundraising is successful, maybe it will help to ease her final weeks and take some of the worry away for her. It's impossible to call without knowing whether or not she OK'd it, but I agree that I would probably be horrified to read this if it were one of my friends.

Foxesarefriends · 30/01/2017 22:57

My friend asked for money in the weeks before he died, I think it was for a funeral.

I know that he was worried about money and I think it might him feel better as he left us.
I felt really awkward about it too.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 30/01/2017 23:03

Oh dear. If she isn't behind this, then I think this might be one of the most insensitive and crass things you could do to someone who is dying. I would give her a call but be subtle.

steff13 · 31/01/2017 00:29

Why not ask the friend who tagged her if you're concerned about having an awkward conversation with your friend, and ask her if she got the ok before she started the crowd funding page? I would think the woman did sanction it, as if she didn't, how would the friend know she needed assistance funding the funeral? I would never assume someone hadn't made those provisions unless I'd been told specifically that they hadn't, or that they needed help.

If she's had cancer off and on throughout her life, she may not have been able to purchase life insurance, which is how most people here pay their final expenses. She may be very concerned about it.

Witchend · 31/01/2017 07:18

Crowd funding does seem to be some people's automatic way to try and sound supportive. I don't like it. I kind of feel it's a bit attention seeking on the part of the person doing it. And I wonder how often the money (or some of it anyway) ends up in their pocket as as far as I'm aware there's no regulation.

However I may be slightly sensitive about this at present. Someone locally had died in not the best circumstances, and someone has set up crowd funding for their funeral. On the face of it the person looked like they wouldn't have enough money to pay.
I happen to know the person actually was quite well off.
People are paying quite a lot into the fund, and I have suspicions where it will end up.

Flip