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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dd's friend's mum told her to keep a secret from me...

49 replies

MerryMarigold · 30/01/2017 10:21

Dd (age 8) went to play at a friend's on Sat. I really like the child and the Mum. They are neighbours and our dds (same age) get on very well. On Sun morning dd said she had a secret which she wasn't allowed to tell me! She said friend's mum said I might be angry so she shouldn't tell me. It was obviously bugging her a bit that she even brought it up. I said she could tell me, and I wouldn't tell the friend's mum that I knew. So...

Turns out they have a pet snake (quite large) and its home (not sure what you call it for a snake!) was being cleaned out, so the snake came out and dd and friend were looking after it. Now, I actually don't mind this. I would assume the snake is safe if this lady lets her dd have it. In fact, this Mum has made a few comments about how 'laidback' (read: slightly neglectful) I am of my dd (eg. allowing her to roller skate around the house etc.). I genuinely don't mind her playing with the snake at all. However, we live approx 1 min walk away so she could have asked if she thought it might be a problem.

I know MN is likely to say it's only what my dd said. But she is very mature and she wouldn't make it up though could potentially have misunderstood.

I don't mind the snake, but I do mind dd being told to keep something from me. By another adult. AIBU to feel this? And WWYD.

OP posts:

HolisticAssassin · 30/01/2017 14:09

I am surprised a teacher (who has done safeguarding and disclosure training) would ask a child to keep a secret. Bizarre.
Snakes are lovely. Wonder what she was thinking.

Laylajoh · 30/01/2017 14:11

I think the whole context of this could have been a joke and that you shouldn't take it too seriously. Not everything people say to children is meant to be dead serious.

Original poster

MerryMarigold · 30/01/2017 14:23

Not everything people say to children is meant to be dead serious.

Of course, but if another Mum or a teacher says, "Don't tell your mum, it'll be our secret, because she may be angry about it' it's unlikely that an 8yo would pick up on a joke in that even if said with a smile and a wink.

OP posts:

EastMidsMummy · 30/01/2017 14:38

I'd need to personally vet a snake situation before I could be comfortable with it.

This made me laugh.

LostMyDotBrain · 30/01/2017 14:52

I'd need to personally vet a snake situation before I could be comfortable with it.

This made me laugh.

me too. Especially given it sounds like a corn snake. Less likely to bite than the dog and would do far less damage if it did.

Original poster

MerryMarigold · 30/01/2017 14:57

If I did personally vet a snake situation, I'm not sure I'd know a corn snake from a python anyway!

OP posts:

ToastOfLondon · 30/01/2017 15:02

My first thought would be that the Mum was joking and that your DD misinterpreted the tone.

Servicesupportforall · 30/01/2017 15:04

It's s great oppertunity to discuss secrets and surprises with your dd though op.

I think it was a lighthearted comment too.

BeMorePanda · 30/01/2017 15:04

She is in her 40s and is a teacher
she is also a fucking idiot.

Presumably she has had child protection training and knows how out of order it is to say things like this to children.

It's nothing to do with the snake at all. I'd be talking with her about it OP.

AmeliaJack · 30/01/2017 15:08

We make a distinction between "surprises" and "secrets".

"Surprises" are fine "secrets" are absolutely not.

I would have a chat with a Mum
that told my DD to keep a secret and explain why it was appropriate.

AmeliaJack · 30/01/2017 15:08

wasn't appropriate

misshelena · 30/01/2017 15:11

She was joking with your dd. She knew you had no problem with the snake. YABU.

AmeliaJack · 30/01/2017 15:13

It's not an appropriate joke though Helena that's the issue.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/01/2017 15:33

I think the snake is a bit of a red herring. I wouldn't want my child in the care of anyone who would tell my child to keep a secret from me. I wouldn't care if that secret was that they had cake and ice cream for supper or that they were dealing weed out of the house.

You do NOT tell someone's child 'this is just our secret, ok?'.

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 30/01/2017 15:41

That's the kind of thing I would say as a joke. 'Oooh, don't tell your mum.' Silly thing to say, but I wouldn't necessarily think about it. If I realised what I said, I would then feel very stupid and certainly wouldn't mean that it should actually be a secret.

angeldelightedme · 30/01/2017 15:49

It is just a throw away line that was not supposed to be taken literally!

SoEverybodyDance · 30/01/2017 15:49

I'd be really cross. Why didn't the other mum tell you beforehand? That's the right thing to do. Telling your daughter to keep a secret from you is really not. Snakes can be very aggressive depending on breed. A large constrictor (python) can be a very dangerous snake to have around small animals/children and there are many tragic stories of children/pets being attacked and even killed by hungry pythons who can't sense the difference between a live animal/human or a dead chicken. I had neighbours whose python killed and swallowed their cat and saw the pictures to prove it. I also don't understand snakes as pets.

dollydaydream114 · 30/01/2017 15:52

Like other posters, I'm pretty sure she was just joking and your DD misinterpreted it. As long as you reiterate to your daughter that she can tell you anything - even if another adult has told her not to - it's fine.

I also think people (not the OP) are being massively precious over how dangerous a pet snake is. You're more likely to get bitten by a hamster, frankly.

RedGrapeCornSnake · 30/01/2017 16:23

Sounds like a corn snake. They are ace pets - we have 1 and she is a sweetheart. Fed once a week, cleaned out never (she has a bioactive vivarium with real plants and bugs to take care of her waste). Never been bitten, I've heard corn snake bites being described as a scratch from Velcro though.

But some people are funny about snakes, they have an undeserved bad name as a pet. Hopefully the snake owning mum was trying to convey (badly) to your DD that you may not have been happy that she was handling a snake.

It's great that your daughter spoke to you, she did the right thing. A little word in the other mums ear about suggesting a child keeps a secret from their parents is a good idea

BeMorePanda · 31/01/2017 10:53

That's the kind of thing I would say as a joke.
Do you think it's funny?

welovepancakes · 31/01/2017 11:07

"Let's keep this gift until Mum's birthday as a surprise" is fine, but no child should be encouraged to keep secrets from their parents. I'm v surprised a teacher would do that

When my friend was a child, her mum told her that "Keep this a secret" was a code for "go straight home and tell your Mum". Her mum was then inundated with every detail from the primary school playground

Original poster

MerryMarigold · 01/02/2017 12:43

She's a secondary teacher, not primary so maybe it makes a difference.

OP posts:

YouWillNotSeeMe · 01/02/2017 12:47

Surprises are good things that you do for people that they will always find out about. Secrets are always to be told straight away

Somerville · 01/02/2017 12:57

I'd assume this was joking, too. Especially as you know her to have a dry sense of humour.

It's good your daughter told you.

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