Feeling so very angry and vengeful suddenly - child abuse

[Worn0utm0m]

I am nearly 50, this all relates to my childhood. I have had counselling and completed cbt. The cbt was very helpful. I have raised my own well rounded, happy, lovely family. I thought I was doing ok but I'm not. I am falling apart significantly and nobody knows. Everyone thinks I'm menopausal.
I was born in Ireland into abject poverty. From the day I was born it was made very clear I wasn't wanted. In fact I was hated. My parents were so cruel. I was beaten, burnt, sexually abused and yet I was the bad person. My mother always convinced others that I was a liar, satan, a thief
When they stopped feeding me, they persuaded a hospital consultant I was anorexic. I wasn't. They convinced a psychiatrist I was mad. Ireland back then was still very church led and parents ruled.
I am convent educated. Some nuns really are as evil as portrayed and when I tried to tell them why my grades were dropping, they told me I obviously deserved what I got at home.
I spoke to a relative who informed the police. My mother dragged me to the local Garda station and the gardai allowed her to beat the hell out of me in front of them. After all it's what I deserved.
I kept running away. I was put in a home. I was not there long as the abuse was worse.
I finally left Ireland when I was 20.
The past few months have been horrendous. I don't know why but I feel hate. Sheer hate towards them. I have nothing to do with them but they are happily living their lives with no consequences. Me, I live in a form of hell.
I haven't amounted to anything. I have no confidence. My life is ruled by fear. Constant fear of bad news, constant fear my children will be hurt or worse. It just will not stop
I feel so very alone with no way out.
I really thought I had dealt with it all. AIBU in wanting them to be punished now?
I am the quietest most peaceful soul. This is breaking my heart.

YANU. They committed really serious crimes against an innocent child. They should be punished. If you want to take this further, you can.

Do you think perhaps this hate is part of dealing with it? They certainly deserve your hate for what they did. But maybe you need to feel this, you need to confront all your hate, all your anger - and see that it's justified. But that it's a necessary step before you let go of it all because ultimately it's destructive to you.

I'm not suggesting that you let go in terms of being friendly with your family etc, but in terms of letting it go because they are not significant to you any more and have no control and you are free.

Look at this as a step you need to take to confront these entirely justified feelings and deal with them.

And yes, perhaps you should see this as a sign you need to take it further as part of dealing with these feelings.

Breaks my heart to read 'I haven't amounted to anything'. You have raised your own family who you describe as happy, lovely and well rounded. This is the greatest achievement anyone can have, you you have done this with such a terrible sad background which most people would find incomprehensible. You are totally justified in feeling terrible anger towards people who are evil. But please be proud of yourself and your achievements.

As two others have said, maybe you need to take it further. It is not too late and they all deserve to be called to account for what they did to you. Maybe that is why you feel as you do now: you need to know they are going to have to answer for their cruelty.

One of the many evil things about child abuse is that it is never 'dealt with' and 'finished'.
As we age it can be likened to peeling an onion - you deal with a layer and feel ok for a while, then something peels off another layer and there it is, provoking difficult feelings and needing attention again.
It is ok and totally understandable to hate them. Their actions were beyond despicable, unforgiveable and sickening.

YANBU to want them to be punished now. Anyone who read your story would want them to be punished.

You have a happy family. You went from your experience to creating a happy family of your own. How can you say you haven't amounted to anything? Underneath all of this fury and fear (which you are completely entitled to), you must have a cast iron sense of self. Don't negate this. I can't imagine anything that anyone could achieve in life which would compare to this. It sounds like you've had enough people in your life doing you down, don't allow yourself to do it. You are an absolute warrior.

I think you should go back to your GP. You need to get some kind of psychological help to deal with your feelings. This isn't something that you should have to deal with alone. Ask for help.

Your feelings of rage and resentment mean you know what they did and what they were/are. You are a million miles away from them.

I admire you so much.

Thank you for your replies. I didn't expect any. You are all correct. Billskyesdog yours resonated with me as I have never ever felt angry. I firmly believed I deserved it. It was all my own fault. But it wasn't. I was just a child. I look at my children and I could never ever harm a hair on them. They are so precious, typical teens but they're such good people. I only feel pride in them.
It's just the level of hate and anger I feel scares me so much. I genuinely am a very quiet person.
I am far too afraid to take it further. I have been destroyed enough. I couldn't cope with being called all those names again. I have spent my whole life proving I'm a good person. That I'm not a liar etc... They now have the money to pay for the best lawyers. I have nothing.
Although I have you all here which means a great deal as you've helped me see it's ok to feel like this.

Perhaps deep down you know that you have amounted to something, especially given your achievement in creating a happy family of your own, and that has brought home to you once again just how undeserving of the abuse you were. And therefore how appalling the crimes of these people were. Rage and a desire for vengeance are usually born from feeling like you're worth something, like your suffering was worth something. For some people, anger starting to take over from fear - which can be a long and gradual process - is a very good sign because it's the next step in processing everything.

But that is only an idea. Ultimately, you know yourself best.

When you get hit by a new wave of intrusive emotions or thoughts it can be hard to tell whether you're uncovering a new layer in something you thought you'd dealt with, or whether you're having a temporary traumatic relapse that will pass. Whichever it is, though, it's totally normal to still be having either, or both, at your age. Your efforts to recover so far do still count and are a big deal; you've done amazingly and you're an amazing person.

[Whoops, sorry, cross-post.]

I think dealing with something as traumatic as an abusive past is a life's work. It is normal to have periods of being relatively OK and periods of really not being fine. Counselling in such cases isn't really something you ever 'complete' but an ongoing process.

I suspect that the anger is relating to the fact that your feelings on this are moving into a new phase: perhaps, finally, you are really accepting at a deep level that this wasn't your fault, and the anger is coming from a new sense of injustice. If so, even though it feels horrible, it can be a good sign.

for you. It's really hard. You might find the 'We took you to stately homes' thread helpful if you don't already post there.

I wish I could give you a big hug. Of course you are angry and you hate them - I'm furious on your behalf just reading about what they did to you - what vile people. You can take it further if you wish, but you don't have to - the choice is entirely yours. Whatever you decide, you should feel incredibly proud of yourself coming through that awful upbringing not only intact, but able to raise happy healthy kids - that is a massive massive achievement. You have amounted to the very pinacle that anyone can amount to.

I would suggest chatting with your GP about maybe getting more cbt if you found that helpful before. They may also suggest medication for the anxiety and fear, which would be worth considering - it could allow you the mental space to address everything that happened to you.

for you

OP, please contact the National Association for people abused in childhood: napac.org.uk

They can help you access counselling and work through this. You are totally entitled to feel like this, and the fact you've not felt it before shows you are confronting this rather than repressing it which is ultimately going to be a good healthy thing.

Please don't say you have amounted to nothing when you have raised a healthy happy family who love you. You've achieved something your parents never did by raising healthy happy individuals who feel good about themselves. And you have done things for others instead of being selfish and they will never know what it feels like to have achieved that.

Its normal to have outburst of anger and even hatred. The thing that proves they didnt break you is that you are dealing with those emotions in an appropriate way.
You win.

"I haven't amounted to anything. "

"I have raised my own well rounded, happy, lovely family."

Oh yes, you have - you have given your children what you never had yourself - a secure, loving upbringing. That's the most important job in the world, really it is.

Please take people's advice and get help dealing with this and, if you wish to, taking it further. You are incredibly strong, even if you don't feel it.

Bringing up kids is tough. Your parents were terrible to you, but you in turn have done a great job with your own children. That is your greatest achievement, don't ever think you have not amounted to much. You have done a million times better than your parents did, who cares how much money they have now, that counts for nothing. If you have no contact with them now they must know deep down that that is not normal and that there is a reason for it. They presumably have no contact with their grandchildren either and that is completely what they deserve.