AIBU to be so angry with DH

[Autvet]

So.... DH and I have a DD and a DS with ASD... DH currently works away 2-3 days a week and gets plenty of sleep etc... I don't as DS does not sleep.... sorry just setting scene... we've had an ok weekend...but just had a major row and I'm now in the spare room... basically I'm feeling really rubbish at the mo... have put some weight on... so DH and I decide to do an exercise DVD... but before then he's getting really narky at me about constantly going on about my weight - I mentioned it as he asked me why I was feeling fed up.... so in a nutshell... DVD player won't work... he start getting grumpy with each other... cross words.... DH storms upstairs and sulk lying on bed on his phone as he always does when we fight...I come upstairs we row... I am left to feed dogs/kids/ jobs etc whilst he's sulking upstairs.... now I've made up spare bed and am in here while he has actually pulled finger out and is bathing kids... so aibu to want to ltb over this ???

OP have you ever actually told him that you resent him choosing the 'away' job because it leaves you with no support at home? If not then I think you need to, or at least suggest that the way work/family life is currently needs reassessing.

Today's argument was probably a bit petty on both sides but it does sound like there's underlying resentment and an imbalance in what you each contribute to family life. Get it out in the open and look at what changes can be made would be my advice because resentment can easily kill a relationship. Is the fact that you feel he doesn't contribute enough the reason you don't fancy him do you think?

I would try to put things back on a friendlier footing and then talk to him about the way you feel. If he tends to get defensive try phrasing things in terms of 'I feel....' rather than 'you don't do....'

Thank you all for your advice... I know we're being childish it's just such hard work at times isn't it

Don't try and talk about it whilst you are both still cross.
Its too important to risk it descending into another row.

It is hard work. Its always important to talk but even more so when you have a kid with SN.

I hope you get some rest tonight.

All children are hard work but I can only imagine how much harder it becomes when they have ASD. You are doing a great job.

You need to try and take time out together and you explain how hard it is for you and how tired you are - you can't stop at 5pm, your job is 24 hours and his job sounds like a fun hobby. The reason you don't fancy him at the mo is that you obviously resent him as he is leaving all the hard work to you - I don't blame you ... he needs to be put in your shoes for a couple of days to understand what you go through

Have a meeting with him, draw up an action plan and give yourself at least a couple of nights off a week and list the jobs he needs to take on then stick to it and do not back down.

I'd be annoyed at him leaving you to cope with ds alone each week. It sounds as though you aren't getting enough support from him.
Having a SN child and a long distance relationship are two very stressful situations. This was never about the DVD player!

Ps how is your relationship when there is no stress on it - say when you get rare time to go out together or some sleep? If it's good then then I would work to reduce stress in your relationship if it's rubbish then too then Ltb!

Auvet - why don't you come over to SN board? It is relentless looking after a child with SN and can wear down your patience and emotional supplies till there feels nothing for anyone else. We are in the same boat and may be able to help

My DH and I were in a squabbling rut. We stopped and went away for a romantic weekend.... which I know isn't always possible.... and it's changed our marriage. We've been together for 18 years and the last has been our happiest.

As he gets plenty of down time, he should spell you when he is around. The fact he doesn't says a lot about his character.

Op just to say as well my oh has touted taking a job abroad when our youngest has been incredibly sick and in and out of - it's his way of dealing with it - running away...
you guys need to have serious chats about what and how you arrangr life. Not sure if yours had this job before your ds duagnosis tho?
I told my oh if he took job abroad to not bother coming back.

Of hospital - sorry

I understand you're having a hard time not sleeping. I sympathise entirely - my DD doesn't sleep at night either.
But from what you've said your husband's actions don't seem to justify your anger towards him.
The timeline seems to be that you're unhappy, he asks why, you tell him so he tries to help with the fitness DVD. The DVD player doesn't work so you argue. He goes upstairs and onto his phone. You argue some more.
He gets over it, baths the kids, you then go into the spare room onto your phone/tablet/laptop to complain about him.
There may be many other examples of him justifying your anger, but this doesn't seem to be one of them.
Is there another reason you feel so much anger towards him?

As a parent of a child with ASD the rule I've learned with DH is that we never play the "I'm more tired, I've done more" game. It destroys your kindness and your love. We tag-team the night wake ups when he's here but I sometimes have to explicitly state to him "I am ridiculously tired, please can you give me the next 4 hours to sleep and I can take over from 4am onwards" because he's so used to living with a competent parent that he just doesn't see how much I need his support. Being totally direct saves our sanity (and relationship) often.

to you though. There is nothing more awful than a permanent state of exhaustion when you're also trying to parent and continue as normal. DH works away a lot and it's hard, hard work. Try to find some time together when you're not cross, and talk to him about what you need, what you'd like to do and what you need him to do. Do you get enough time to yourself when your DH is there? That might help with the resentment, having something that's just for you.