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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

She stole and she lied and she is six

48 replies

Baffledonthisone · 29/01/2017 16:23

IABU because this is not AIBU it's help me help me right now, parents!

But otherwise.

Dd6 came home with cheap inconsequential toy on maybe Wednesday or Thursday.

Told me her friend gave it to her. This is not unheard of. They all swap cheap things from time to time (wee toys, hair clips etc)

On the messenger app we have a chat with all parents from the class. Today other childs mum asks if anyone has seen this toy and sends a photo.

Mortified. I checked with Dd and she told me the truth.

I haven't shouted or responded beyond saying that what she did was stealing and she will return it. I also said I was disappointed and I had to think. I feel a bit tearful.

Any helpful advice?

Have contacted mum to say Dd has it and will return tomorrow. I explained she said her child gave it to her.

OP posts:

Niskayuna · 29/01/2017 17:00

Oh my god, they all do this. It's not a big deal. Personally I think it would be nipped in the bud if kids would stop taking their shit from home into school. It's going to get 'stolen', and by stolen I mean some other kid will walk off with it not really understand concepts like "yours" and "mine" and "borrowing" or whatever. Also kids are really fond of giving something away one minute to earn a thank you and a smile, and then demanding it back five minutes later. Or giving it away, but claiming it was stolen once the parent wants to know where it is.

My son, older than 6, keeps 'swapping' small toys with friends and it makes me livid, not because he's doing anything really wrong but because it only takes one kid to change his mind, throw a tantrum and say 'stealing!' and everyone's in trouble.

She did fine. Take the thing back and try and drill in to her DO NOT swap toys, DO NOT take others toys even if they force them into her hands, it only causes trouble.

missyB1 · 29/01/2017 17:01

I bet a lot of us did something similar at that age. I stole pick n mix from Woolworths, and DH stole a toy from a neighbour's house. Neither of us have ended up as criminals

Niskayuna · 29/01/2017 17:02

If it's any consolation my daughter came out of nursery with a small plastic bracelet thing and claimed one of the teachers had found it behind some furniture and given it to her 'as a present' because they didn't know whose it was. Cool as a cucumber. Very convincing.

Not true. She'd just found it on the floor and instead of handing it in, she pocketed it.

She's 3.

I was 99% cross ("Now apologise... there, all better.") and 1% "Damn, that was a smart story."

Blossomdeary · 29/01/2017 17:03

She will learn from this. Don't go overboard. She knows it is wrong. Perhaps ask her to give it back and draw a little card to say she is sorry.

As other have said, we cannot be sure that the friend did not send out a mixed message.

Dulcimena · 29/01/2017 17:05

Motleymop lol - I carried a pack of marshmallows (we would NEVER have anything like that) through the Presto checkout. When we got home and mum realised, we went back so I could return them and apologise to the lad on the checkout, who was probably totally bemused by the situation. Properly shamed!

Original poster

Baffledonthisone · 29/01/2017 17:06

ADishBestEatenCold I see what you mean - no I said that to explain why I had let her keep it without thinking abut more about it.

OP posts:

WeAllHaveWings · 29/01/2017 17:20

Yes, to a proper sincere apology to friend and her mother. Also ask her to think of a way to make it up to her friend.

BeingEB · 29/01/2017 17:23

Don't be too hard on her, it's fairly common. Return it and have her apologise then explain how bad she'd feel if someone took her toys.

A friend's son, when he was 5, awoke gasping and choking for his breath one night. Having established he'd swallowed a car the frantic parents rushed him to casualty. After an X-ray to find a non-existent car blockage and a period of calming down it transpired he'd had a nightmare because of a guilty conscience.

He'd stolen a tiny toy car from his cousin earlier that day, his mother had spotted it in his hand as they were leaving, gave him a telling off about taking things that didn't belong to him and told him to take it right back upstairs to his cousin. He ran back upstairs and hid the toy in his pocket, waited a minute then came back down. Car was found in his bed when they got back from the hospital.

SemiNormal · 29/01/2017 17:34

Is it not possible your dd's friend gave her the item and then regretted it afterwards and wanted said item back? That seems so much more likely than your dd stealing and lying. - That was my initial thought too.

My son (also 6) had sneaked into school a minecraft toy, for anyone in the know these can be expensive for the tiny bit of plastic shite that it is. Anyway it got broken by a friend, my son said it was on purpose - I will never know because it was MY son that got the telling off from me for taking it into school in the first place. My reaction would have been the same if he'd lost it or if it had got stolen I'm afraid. Children shouldn't be taking toys into school if the parents are so concerned about things being lost/broken/stolen.

HelenaGWells · 29/01/2017 17:37

So her friend had a toy she wanted so she took it then lied but told the truth when confronted. It happens she is only 6. Make her give it back and apologise to friend and friends mother. Advise if she gets a reputation for stealing people won't want to play with her so to not do it again.

This is what I would do.

I also strongly discourage the kids swapping toys because it will lead to total chaos. I ask the kids to say "that's very kind of you but please keep it, it's yours" if someone tries to give them toys. So far this has worked.

Sharing things in general is lovely but swapping or lending/borrowing toys just leads to utter chaos as you get things like a kid regretting giving the toy away etc.

I also NEVER let them take toys into school. I think we've had 2 or 3 things sneak in over the course of 7 years of school with 3 kids but I've always removed anything I've seen. DS used to have to be searched at one point as he would try and get out with things in his pockets.

I see kids with obvious stuff in their hands all the time though, it must drive the teachers insane. I've also seen kids reduced to tears because the teachers immediately remove toys from kids and keep them in a box on their desk until home time. This makes bringing them in utterly pointless anyway so all the parents are doing is passing on the tantrum they don't want to deal with when they remove said item to the teachers. I bet the teachers really love that....

flumpybear · 29/01/2017 17:38

Life lesson - the important thing to do is teach her of her mistakes and teach her its wrong, and why

kittymamma · 29/01/2017 17:42

My 5 year old DD did this a few months ago. She was forced to return it and apologise. She was banned from play dates for about a month. She learnt her lesson. They have to learn.

DrasticAction · 29/01/2017 17:45

Dont be mortified! look on it as a great chance to teach a lesson, dont go mad - it will be humiliating enough to make her hand the the toy back and pref with the parent there. ( and do double check the child didnt make it seem offered)

ADishBestEatenCold · 29/01/2017 17:53

"no I said that to explain why I had let her keep it without thinking abut more about it."

Ah ... I understand. I thought my take on it was a bit confused.

allowlsthinkalot · 29/01/2017 20:25

Definitely just make her give it back and apologise.

I took some toys when I was about that age. My mum sneaked them back without saying anything. I expect she was embarrassed. But it would have been much better to teach me to own up and apologise than teach me to cover up wrongdoing imo. Hardly a lesson in honesty!

SpikeGilesSandwich · 29/01/2017 21:46

I persuaded a boy to swop me some of his much-coveted micro men for my lunch box crisps for a week. He was happy with the deal but his mother was furious, told my mum and demanded the toys back, I considered myself very much the wronged party as he'd eaten my crisps and made no attempt to return them or recompense me.

I also remember claiming a tiny plastic duck from lost property under false pretences, the guilt was overwhelming, I'm feeling shame now after 30 years! I've grown up into a law abiding citizen, I wouldn't panic OP.

ollieplimsoles · 29/01/2017 21:57

I stole when i was six, my teacher hadn't photocopied enough colouring sheets so she said I couldn't have one and I had to go onto the next task and skip the colouring. The next task was really boring and I was angry I didn't get a sheet to colour- so I took my friends sheet, rubbed out her name and wrote mine and started colouring it.

Friend looked everywhere with teacher for the sheet and I felt really guilty so I told my friend what I did and gave it back to her. Teacher overheard and went absolutely crazy, she was hard core Christian and she screamed at me in front of the whole class, I was so terrified I wet myself and the shame has stuck with me to this day.

Educate her and tell her why this is wrong, but it happens, she's six.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/01/2017 21:57

Dd (8) came home on Wednesday with a quality street box full of plastic tat from her friend. She spent a few hours over the weekend making a house and play area for these toys. Just need to sort out some random tat to give back in return. No good deed goes unpunished .

Ohdearducks · 29/01/2017 22:02

Please don't punish her, when I was 4 or 5 I stole a chocolate from the pick and mix stand in the supermarket. My dad went apeshit and made me feel like an awful person, he banged on about it and how ashamed he was and how he couldn't believe I could do such a thing, he tried to stop me eating dinner as punishment ( my DM put a stop to that) anyway I'm projecting, sorry! But agree with the above make her return it and say sorry that will be enough she's only little.

Original poster

Baffledonthisone · 29/01/2017 22:18

Just thought I'd share the outcome. Took Dd to other childs house to tell them what she did (she went into their bag I couldn't believe it!) She apologised and returned the item.

I will be telling the school teacher as it happen in school. Dreading that conversation.

Told her I love her just the same as always - that never changes. Took away one privilege for a week. Commended her for telling the truth when I asked her about it.

Told her it will be a very different story if anything like this ever happens again.

OP posts:

DJBaggySmalls · 29/01/2017 22:22

I had to do that with DS, it was a one off. He was mortified at having to fess up and apologise.
Good luck OP and well done, it cant have been pleasant.

statetrooperstacey · 29/01/2017 22:59

Ah that sounds like it went ok then, you have handled this well.

TyneTeas · 29/01/2017 23:09

Nicely handled OP

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