Problems with my son - handling it badly

[Runbikeswim]

I made my 11 year old son cry earlier and now feel terrible.

He has recently started a selective boys secondary school and the school have contacted me to say his organization, effort and homework are a concern. The first parent evening was a mixed bag this week. He is a nice polite boy but talks a lot in class, is disorganized and some of his work is not up to scratch.

I'm fed up with nagging him already and the number of pens/coats etc he leaves behind or forgets are mounting up. He forgets his lunch in the morning, his coat even his bag, He would walk out the door empty handed if I didn't remind him - he says sorry when he loses or forgets something and then does it again sometimes within an hour. I spend a lot of time buying new stuff or looking for lost things :-(

I asked him to sort his school bag out today and write out his timetable so we could stick it on the notice board and anticipate what books/homework he needs for the following day. He couldn't really be arsed and was moaning a bit.

Anyway I then got cross and said that if I put minimal effort in at work I'd get the sack and that school was like his job - he needs to just get on with it, get it out of the way and then I can stop nagging him which is bad for me and bad for him. I went on for about 5 minutes about if he didn't like it after a year he could move to a school that is non selective and just sit at the back and mess around but for this year he needs to try and put some effort in. I was in lecture mode. I looked around from the washing up and he was crying :-(

I apologized and said I obviously didn't mean it, I just don't get what is going on with him. I felt almost like I was shaming/bullying him but all I had been trying to do was to get him to put the required effort in because he seems so unmotivated. I have also tried taking an interest and engaging with him about the subject matter too so this is more desperation than anything. I'm a dingle parent and I have another son who has ASD.

We hugged and he accepted my apology and said he understood but he would wouldn't he?

Am I being unreasonably hard on him?

By the sound of it, he's just obsessed with his phone. I think the OP would be wise to sort that out and see if it helps before worrying about dyspraxia. No-one focuses well if they're constantly fiddling with their phone.

I'm not an armchair diagnoser but I'd have a look into inattentive type ADHD.

I agree with Fallon. OP has your DS always been forgetful like this? Or is it only since the move to the new school? I think ADHD inattentive type can be missed at Primary school level when most of the organisation is done for the students and only become more obvious at secondary level when they have to organise themselves.

Check lists and several copies of timetables, as well as making sure he records homework in his planner should help.

Just returned to the thread and what a lot more lovely replies. Thanks ever so much for your kind words. Some really interesting things to consider and do.

As quite a few of you have mentioned it I'm going to follow the Dyspraxia/Dyslexia idea up and do a bit of research to find out more. I had no idea it was sssocited with autism in families. Like the launchpad idea too.