To Ask My Boss Why He Doesn't Like Me?

[WizardSally]

My boss is noticeably different with me compared to the rest of the team. He will be chatty and jokey to others but never me and will always give me the brush off if I try to make conversation.

I can deal with this but the main problem is how he treats me compared to my counterpart. Another member of the team and I share the same job title, however we couldn't be more different. She is hugely incompetent, which is known by all of the team, so she instead takes on an office junior role (photocopying, post, laminating, etc.). In contrast, I'm over-experienced for the role I'm in (but can't move up until someone leaves) and so I'm given all of the jobs the boss does which is obviously high level stuff but I really enjoy the work and would never complain about it.

The trouble is, the boss constantly heaps praise on to my counterpart for successfully completing tasks like putting the post in the correct trays. Whereas I've never had him comment on my work in any way and certainly never been praised for it.

She's very dim, doesn't do the job she was hired to do and has caused a lot of upset with members of the team yet I'm always left feeling like I'm on the outside and she can't do wrong. I work very long hours whereas she barely does her contracted hours yet she is given perks like afternoons off to attend social events.

Should I just ask my boss if he has a problem with me?

Thing is you say you genuinely don't mind but it's really obvious you do...even in writing...to total strangers...on the internet.

I really think the problem lies in with you and your attitude. I'm not saying that to be mean or to get at you, I'm saying that as an employer x

I've been given three people's work to do so go in early and stay late in an attempt to get through it. How does the problem lie with me?

This time last year I could have written your post. I had a married boss who ignored me, even bullied to an extent while heaping praise on other colleagues.

I finally called him out on it to which he finally admitted he was completely in love with me and avoided me as he didn't want to cheat and he was nasty to help deter any more feeling developing!!!

Him and his wife later split and he found me on facebook and has pursued me ever since.

I'm sure that's not the reason your boss is that way but men can be very odd creatures at times.

I'm not sure which would be worse, him genuinely hating me or him being secretly in love with me. Sure it's not the latter though. Good for you for calling him out on it, wish I was that brave!

Sounds like she's jealous and intimidated by you...

WizardSally I've also had the same thing with a different male boss. This time he thought I liked him and behaved the exact same way as he wanted me to know he wasn't interested. Your boss might think you've the hots for him so is being standoffish to let you know he's not interested.

Sounsd daft I know but eventhough I had never ever shown any interest in my boss he somehow thought I proper liked him.

Would it help to stop using this "he likes her more than me" type yard stick? You don't know if its true and its a waste of energy IMO. Could you instead just concentrate on doing a good job and think of it as doing a good job for you and your future and development? If you are doing higher level work, you are ready for promotion, so you could just start making plans in that direction? In a few years time you might not even remember their names. However the lesson he's taught you about praising good work, being equally friendly to your direct reports, and knowing the impact it has on the team, will stay with you. (Note "friendly" and not "friends").

The problem lies with you because you make it a problem. If it were me (and it has been) I'd see the fact that I'd been trusted with the work of three people as a massive confidence boost. He clearly thinks your capable, stop making it a competition with your colleague and take on the responsibility without looking for a pat on the head for crying out loud! Honestly I would find you incredibly irritating to employ.

YOU are the only constant in this equation. YOU make it an issue.

You sound like quite the nightmare yourself to be fair, Mary, but thanks for the input.

I was really trying to give you constructive advice but it seems as though you don't want to hear that...yet another unattractive trait in an employee.

In all honesty you and I are just strangers on an Internet forum, you posted an AIBU and I replied that I think YABU and you don't like that, that's fine. The only thing I can base my replies on is the information you provide, I don't know you or the ins and outs of the situation.

I really do wish you the best and whatever the situation with your boss turns out to be I hope you work it out. But if you ask for advice I think the best thing you can do is be open to hearing it, even if it deviates from what you'd like to hear. Good luck.

Well I think it is an exaggeration and just plain rude to say you'd find me incredibly irritating to employ from the information I provided, i.e. I work long hours and do 3 people's work. I've only complained on here, not to my boss or my colleagues, so it was a harsh thing to say.

I have clearly come on here very frustrated with the situation I'm in so making assumptions about me being arrogant, attention seeking and unprofessional to my colleagues isn't at all helpful as none of that is true.

Again, thank you for your input which I am clearly not ignoring. I don't see how making me feel bad about myself is helpful but I appreciate you taking the time to share your opinion.

Why don't you see if you can move teams or look for a job elsewhere?

Reality is If you confront your boss I'd be very surprised he will tell you he doesn't like you and go into the details of why. There are so many reasons why he may not like (you remind him of an ex, you are better than him at the job, we could guess all night) or maybe it's all in your mind and your co working thinks the same about you?

I'd would wait until you have a really good example and then ask to discuss it with him.

I'm really not trying to make you feel bad. I'm sorry if I have, it wasn't my intention.

I'll try to write it a bit clearer and without personal digs at you, that was probably unfair of me.

I supervise a team of 7 people. Of those 7 people there are 2 who are in need of extra support and encouragement in order to do their jobs to the best of THEIR ability. There are various reasons surrounding this that I know but their colleagues don't, does that make sense? The other 5 people on my team I delegate more to then I should and I probably give them a lot less time, attention and praise than I should. They are no less valued by any means, if anything when I see them walk through the door and sit at their desk I breathe a sigh of relief because I know I can assign them work to do knowing it'll be done well. I probably take for granted that they know I appreciate them even though I don't say it because a lot of my time is taken spent with the employees who need my time and praise more. That doesn't mean I value any of my employees more than another. I really hope I'm making sense!

I think if you stop comparing yourself to your colleague and focussing on the Positives rather then the negative (i.e. your boss knowing they can rely on you without you therefore freeing up their time) you might find it easier.

In summary I'm sure you are very valued but I think you need to look at things in a different light and try to take on constructive advice, even if it's clumsily given i.e. Me!

How come HR are happy with the fact this woman is doing one job and getting paid for another?

IME, HR are not in the best position to know about who does what (depending on the size of the company).

They create role descriptions and advise on job titles/grades (eg differentiating between Paper Clip Administrator, Paper Clip Supervisor and Paper Clip Director).

It's management who are meant to allocate work and monitor workload according to JDs.

OP it sounds like you could benefit from clearing the air with your manager by highlighting

1. Your excessive workload, doing 3 people's jobs
2. Querying that your colleague is not sharing the burden on the jobs that you are both meant to be sharing.

FYI my comment upthread re bullying was just a tip to watch the words you use on here because if you use them in RL, they come across as personal, derogatory and insulting Eg calling her dim, slothful, obese.

Just take care is all I'm saying....

I think there's probably history you just don't know about. Perhaps she used to be better at the job but is now unwell or something. Perhaps he's been told he has to use positive praise with her by more senior management. She might be on a personal improvement plan or something. Perhaps he knows her from years back, outside work.

By the sounds of it, all's going well with your job. If you can get past needing more acknowledgement, I'd just keep my head down and carry on, regardless of what anybody else is doing.

There can be so many reasons why someone doesn't particularly like you. Often it's because you remind them of someone else. For me I think I truly grew up when I stopped caring. You're there to do a job. Just do it and go home and forget about it. It's great when you do feel part of the family, your colleagues are your friends. Increasingly I find the workplace isn't like that any more. If it's really that bad, bide your time, get the experience you need and move on.

You sound very like me, OP. For some reason, the boss loved and protected an incompetent worker despite glaring errors. When the boss left and a ne one came in, I didn't say a word, but he started formal proceedings within months and the old boss told him she was the place's biggest problem. Weird.