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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to separate with OH and still share family home?

25 replies

RosaDeZoett · 27/01/2017 22:01

Name changed for this, as I still haven't decided If it's the road I want to go down.... But. My marriage is pretty grim and unbearable (for both of us I suspect but he won't talk about it) I'm trying to think of a way of separating that will have the least horrendous impact on our lovely and very young kids. Would it be a totally insane idea to think that they could stay in the family home, and OH and I would be the ones to come and go in a shared custody scenario?? We are mortgage free on the family home and could probably afford to share the rent on an apartment not far from home. So in theory, the kids would not have the disruption of packing bags, moving house etc every week, and would still get to see both parents (just not in the same house at the same time?) I'm just so sad at the moment. I thought I could live like this for them but I'm really really struggling. I feel like I will potentially do them so much damage, either way tbh. Could this type of scenario ever work or am I totally insane to even consider it??

OP posts:

sealswithwhiskers · 27/01/2017 22:03

You're not insane, at all. I think it's a lovely idea. But is it sustainable?

ConvincingLiar · 27/01/2017 22:04

Whilst I was never a fan of either of them, I think Katie Price and Peter Andre did this - although with 3 houses. It did strike me as being a good thing for the children.

Barbie222 · 27/01/2017 22:05

I think it's called birdsnesting?

Bluntness100 · 27/01/2017 22:06

I don't really understand. The kids stay at home, who lives at home, who lives at the rented place, or are you suggesting neither adult has a permanent base? I'm not sure that would work. Where do you keep your stuff? And what happens when you get new partners, who lives where?

Original poster

RosaDeZoett · 27/01/2017 22:07

Thank you seals. I really don't know if it's sustainable. I think think in theory OH would go for it, he would be devastated to be away from the kids. Maybe It depends on how mature we both could be....

OP posts:

floopyloopy · 27/01/2017 22:07

I don't think it's a good idea sorry. It just draws out the divorce and separation process.

It's fine until someone moves on and wants a date or have someone round for dinner etc etc.

Who cleans the toilet and puts the bins out?

I do know someone who has taken over 3 years to actually split and sell up. It's like a life half lived.

sealswithwhiskers · 27/01/2017 22:07

Not everyone has new partners following separations.

However I imagine it would be at the rental property

Original poster

RosaDeZoett · 27/01/2017 22:10

Sorry, slow typist so loads of crossed posts. We would (in theory) share the rented place, and when one of us is at home with the kids, the other is at rented place. I don't want another partner. Ever. I don't even want a divorce. So we are disrupted yes, packing clothes etc every week or whatever, instead of the kids doing it.

OP posts:

floopyloopy · 27/01/2017 22:12

How old are the children?

Rubyslippers7780 · 27/01/2017 22:12

I know a family who do this. Kids stay in the family home. Parents have a house each.. they move into family home half the week and then out...
Kids were fairly big when split happened.
Works really well but the split was also really amicable..making it easier..and of course they could afford 3 houses...

Original poster

RosaDeZoett · 27/01/2017 22:12

Even if it draws out the process though (for us) is that not easier on the kids? Or am I just fooling myself?

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Original poster

RosaDeZoett · 27/01/2017 22:13

Kids are 5 and 2.

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booitsme · 27/01/2017 22:15

as part of my job I speak to children over 10 about their parents separations. What hurts them most (some tell me about experiences when they were younger and their parents Seperated) is not the physical separation but parents speaking badly about one another to the children, discussing adult issues with them or in their presence, arguing or not talking at all and basically not co-parenting and putting them first. They need to know that it's not their fault, mummy and daddy will never stop loving them and that they will see mummy and daddy regularly. Little and often contact is better than every other weekend for little ones - if possible. You and your husband need to end your relationship as spouses and build a new co parenting alliance. From what I've seen I think people need physical space to grieve for the relationship and heal. Your communication and respect for one another would have to be first rate to manage the arrangements you've suggested.

When I know parents have done a good job, I hear from children that they feel safe to
Mention mum at dads house and visa versa. Think about what the children might say at 18 that they thanked you for handling well during the Seperation. Consider counselling - it's not just about reconciliation but can also be about discussing splitting.

Tillyscoutsmum · 27/01/2017 22:15

I did this with my ex. It's quite common in the US (called "nesting" apparently) and works on the premise that the dcs have enough change to cope with when their parents separate and therefore allowing them to live in the same house/have the same bedroom/not be ferried from one house to another eow, causes them less disruption.

We did it for just over 2 years. Rented a 1 bed cottage around the corner from our home and 2 nights a week and eow, I would stay there whilst he had the dcs at home and the rest of the time, he was at the crash pad whilst I was at home with the kids. I have to say I think it worked out pretty well. The dcs dealt well with the separation. People thought we were mad at the time and said it would be confusing for them or they would find it hard to cope when we did eventually move out but neither of those things happened. We did both have new partners towards the end of the arrangement and that was definitely the catalyst to move to a more permanent solution but I would definitely recommend it initially

Original poster

RosaDeZoett · 27/01/2017 22:16

Thanks for all replies. House each is not an option, maybe down the line but definitely not right now. A rental each would even be a stretch. But I am interested to hear people do this, so in theory, it could work

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 27/01/2017 22:18

Op. you might not want another partner but it would be unrealistic to expect your husband to not have a girlfriend at any point and for that not to become serious. I think you both need to have permanent homes, even if it's just for the kids sake, what you're proposing seems stressful for everyone, inc the kids.

Original poster

RosaDeZoett · 27/01/2017 22:20

Shed a few tears there booitsme, thank you for your reply. I do have the utmost respect for him, I don't know how he feels about me though. My parents split when I was older and spoke very badly of each other constantly. What you have described really resonates with me, and I don't want that for my children. Thanks also Tilly, that gives me hope

OP posts:

Original poster

RosaDeZoett · 27/01/2017 22:24

Bluntness, I know. I suppose every scenario is going to be somewhat stressful, I'm just trying to find the least stressful iykwim? I guess it wouldn't work long term, but maybe short term, until it no longer suited one or the other of us? Anyway, it's all food for thought. I haven't even had the initial conversation with him yet, so no telling how he may react. Thanks for all opinions

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SaucyJack · 27/01/2017 22:26

How many beds would be at each property?

I know you might not think so now while you're still married, but sleeping in your ex's bed would just be weird. Far too intimate. And what if he'd had a woman there on his off day? Just weird.

At least rent a two bed flat if you do do it.

floopyloopy · 27/01/2017 22:36

I'd just worry about all the practicalities. I adore my husband but those minor irritations would drive me mad if we were separated.
Who restocks the fridge?
Who hoovers?
What about Xmas decorations?

I can see so many problems. Your dc are so young I'd just go fir a clean break.

Fwiw my dc were 4&2 when my ex left. It was amicable. Until it wasn't. He's horrid now. Long story but yeah I thought we could do it well, but no. I can't bear him now. He's so selfish and unreliable with the dc. I never thought he'd be that textbook Disney dad. He is. He's got a new oartner with child. He treats all the children differently. Really. I never thought he was capable.

Make a new life for your dc. Honestly. Like ripping off a plaster. Get it done

PurpleMinionMummy · 27/01/2017 22:40

All I can imagine is the dh still leaving a load of mess for dw to clean up behind him at every turn.

Haffdonga · 27/01/2017 22:43

Surely it depends on why you can't live with him any more at the moment. Many of the problems in your relationship could be the same or worse if you had a shared tenancy with someone you don't get on with even if he's not there at the same time as you. How would you feel if he didn't flush the loo or do housework on his stays or refused to pay his share of the gas bill or used it as a bachelor pad to entertain new girlfriends or spent thousands of pounds on shelving for his star wars figurines or used up all the loo roll and didn't replace it?

On the other hand if your split is genuinely amicable and you can both tolerate and compromise with each other's irritating habits then it could be a brilliant solution.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 27/01/2017 22:45

I think it's a fantastic idea and you are lucky to do it . It will change when you get new partners but for now - optimal

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 27/01/2017 22:47

It also gives you both time to find employment and stabilize finances . How anyone could NOT think it's a good idea is beyond me - good luck

dustarr73 · 27/01/2017 22:52

Go for a clean break.What if it was you who had a relationship first.I think it would be worse down the line than now.Thye may harbour feelings that you will get together.

Separate houses,separate finances.Clean your own mess up and nobody elses.

Flip