Posting for support. Think mum has MH issues. Screaming at me and DD

[PenelopeNitStop]

Hi,

I'm often bedbound, so my mum helps get DD ready and off to school. This morning, she came round, same as always. She and DD play a game involving a lot of shrieking. It was making my head hurt worse, and we have neighbours. This was full pitched yelling.

I phoned down to ask them to stop shouting. My mum immediately went off on one, saying she wasn't shouting, they were playing, and shouted at me about it. DD came on phone sobbing "grandmas gone insane". DD then refused to brush her teeth, so my mum pretended to leave the house, saying "don't go to school then, I'm going home "

DM then came upstairs to me, and said I'd have to sort DD as she wouldn't do as she was told, and it was my fault for ringing down. I got dressed and told mum to leave. I got DD to school.

Mum is going on about how she wouldn't have shouted at me if I had asked her to keep the noise down, it was because I said she was shouting. Apparently, as they weren't shouting using words, but instead sounds, I was out of order and should have asked her to stop shrieking.......

This level of pedantry (which has involved her using the dictionary to prove her case this morning) is normal when her MH declines. But she said I was patronising her when I expressed concerns.

Meant to be going on holiday next week, just me and DH, with DD staying with mum. I've said that won't be happening. DD either stays with her Nanna, we cancel or she comes with us.

So was I in the wrong this morning, or is my mum not seeming quite right?

Sorry for epic post, don't want to drip feed.

does she have a diagnosis? you said it's normal for her to be like this when her MH declines, so something like BPD?

Am I overreacting, because I told Mum no unsupervised access at the moment? I can't believe she let DD (6) think she'd been left by the person supposed to be caring for her.

She has depression. I pointed out to her a few months ago that I thought she needed her meds adjusting. She lacks insight though, so ignores me and her partner. I don't feel I can expose DD to this. When mum is ill, she is really all over the place and gets sooooo angry. I'm wrung out with it.

I think you have done exactly the right thing, she sounds unstable and very volatile.
It sounds as though your DD was shocked as well.

what about writing a note to her GP for next time she's there?

Good idea. I never know if it's me being unfair or her mental health.

If she is struggling she may be finding it an extra strain to be helping you. I am chronically ill as well and when my DM feels the pressure she will often go off on one at me too.

Whilst you should not have to be walking on egg shells around her, if you know that language or tone sets her off then try to be tactful. A trigger for my DM is when I feel ill I can get very self absorbed and am often short with her - your request may have sounded like a command. When that happens with my DM she'll often threaten to remove all support unless I'm more grateful because it feels to her like I'm treating her like a bit of a slave.

It may be that your DM may need a bit of a break - do you have support from social services or home start at all? It may be worth getting a referral.

It sounds like you and DM both need to look after yourselves.

I am going to rock the boat here. As someone with mental health issues and physical issues that make me bed bound at times I can see your point.

I can also see your DM's point. Maybe she struggled to get to your house, dressed, out of bed etc. Maybe she is not eating well. She gets to your house, plays with DD and gets told off with it. Maybe she wishes she could have stayed in bed.

I do honestly get what you're saying, but I did say it nicely, although through gritted teeth because I was in pain.

It was the pretending to leave aspects I was more worried about. I don't know if I'm unfair in thinking that it is never ok to do that to a child. She was thinking grandma was gone and mummy was too ill to get her ready. Mum said "I don't care if you go to school, I'm going home" and opened the door, then hid so my DD thought she had gone. I don't think that's ok.

I will watch my tone with her though. Granted maybe it came over as cross because I was in pain, when I wasn't actually cross.

Contacted social services. Will be assessed for a care package in next 28 days.

Also spoken to mum. Apologised if I was abrupt. Explained that I think things have got a bit too much for her, and that we need outside support now, so she can enjoy being DD's Grandma, rather than career. She's shocked but ok about it.

Carer, not career!

I've told her I overreacted, and apologised. Thanks for replying. I was being unreasonable, and it's nice to get told the truth, because it's that which helps. Thanks for replying.