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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to wish I could tell her what I think

38 replies

lalalalyra · 27/01/2017 09:10

I've had a simpering, aggravating email from Ex's wife. Apparently he's devastated and heartbroken that our two girls aren't going to his birthday party.

Her final line is that she just can't understand why they'd chose a wedding on my DH's side ("someone who is not even a relation to them") over his party.

It's thoroughly fucking tempting to point out that DH's side, the non relatives, have included the girls in their lives. They haven't not-yet delivered their Christmas presents because they've been 'busy'. They've not dropped and picked up the girls whenever it fucking suited them.

And she's no better. Apparently he's 'saddened' at how little he sees them and she's 'terribly sad' that their half siblings barely know them. Well given that she refused to learn how to use DD2's epi-pen and also refused to allow DD2 in their house without an adult who knew how to use it that meant that the girls can/could only visit when ex had the entire weekend off. Sometimes he had to do a guard duty for 6 hours or whatever which meant the entire contact had to be cancelled. To put into context DD2 has used her epi-pen twice in 6 years... So not like she was being asked to do extensive medical care, just to know how it worked (the twice it's been used it was DD1 who did it).

There's also the fact that when ex-MIL was in hospital the girls were uninvited to their Ds's christening because they couldn't possibly ask her family to keep an eye on the girls (who were 12!) in the chapel and they'd be up at the font. So that was another whole weekend cancelled.

Who invites their own 13yos to their birthday party by an invitation in the post anyway? I mean really? This party is in 3 weeks and this is the first they've heard of it. They weren't invited to her 40th or their half-brother's 1st birthday party in early January.

I won't say anything because DD1 has an awards thing next week and ex has promised he'll be there and will bring their Christmas presents (he insisted on buying the one thing they really, really wanted). I'm not risking him blaming me for the no show. Although I'm half thinking he might cancel for being "too upset" or some such bollocks.

It thoroughly tempting though.

OP posts:

Original poster

lalalalyra · 02/02/2017 22:56

I've replied (because he repeatedly sent the same message a dozen times) that if he wishes to formalise access/contact arrangements through legal channels that is up to him. I said the girls are going to the wedding, as they have chosen, and if he sends them any more abuse I'll remove their phones.

I'm not making them go again. That's it. He's a spoilt manchild and I'm done with being party to him messing with them. If they want to go then it'll be entirely up to them - I'll always give them train fares or a lift or whatever, but I'm not encouraging them to Skype him every week or to text him on his birthday or whatever. He can whistle. They deserve better.

OP posts:

MillionToOneChances · 02/02/2017 23:21

What an absolute arse

Sounds like the kids have come to their own (accurate) conclusion that his importance in their life needs to be seriously downgraded.

buckeejit · 02/02/2017 23:32

Sweet Jesus, what a twat.

Has he even acknowledged that he let them down-for the awards esp?

I'd write a list of his disappointing actions just to have somewhere in case you want to use it as QuickFire ammo. I honestly don't know how you've kept your cool with this kind of childish behaviour from him. He's a bloody disgrace. Hope your dc recover quickly & if possible at best micromanage him & treat as a loose canon at best.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 02/02/2017 23:38

They still haven't got their Christmas presents from him?! It's February imagine a woman trying to pull a number like that. YANBU, it's really shitty of the pair of them to try and guilt your kids this way. So typical to do minimum parenting but expect maximum adoration from the kids

WyfOfBathe · 03/02/2017 00:18

YANBU, I would be furious! I've had epipen training for a friend's child who I've looked after just once - I can't imagine refusing to do so for a my partner's child. I wouldn't force them to go either Lala, and I hope you all have an amazing time at the wedding.

imagine a woman trying to pull a number like that sadly I can (my stepdaughter's mum)

ChasedByBees · 03/02/2017 00:40

I'd write a list of his disappointing actions just to have somewhere in case you want to use it as QuickFire ammo.

Great idea from Buckeejit

Original poster

lalalalyra · 03/02/2017 00:45

They haven't got their Christmas presents because he insists on being there when they open them. He hasn't seen them therefore they don't get until they do. Their birthday present was 3 weeks late because he was on deployment and he insisted on giving it when he got back (he was busy the first weekend he got back as well).

The list is s good idea. I have a diary so I sort of have a list, but not just his stuff together so I might do that.

OP posts:

Ruralretreating · 03/02/2017 02:09

As well as the list, if you anticipate possible court action, keep copies/screenshots of the messages he sends you and your DDs. Have them backed up somewhere too.

Waltermittythesequel · 03/02/2017 07:56

Fucking bastard.

You've done so well for your girls. He's just a prick.

ClopySow · 03/02/2017 09:01

What an arsehole.

You're absolutely doing the right thing.

I have an ex a bit like yours. Lots of emotional blackmail which i've put up with over the years for the kids sake. I stopped putting up with it last year and he hasn't spoken to me since september. I suspect he's punishing me and thinks i'll crack and back down. I won't.

I do worry that the kids are getting the emotional blackmail now, but don't tell me because i have told them that his behaviour is unreasonable. His wife actually helps my children lie to him about stuff so he won't kick off. It's a really fucked up situation.

picklemepopcorn · 03/02/2017 09:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

picklemepopcorn · 03/02/2017 09:16

Getting my post deleted...MN isn't giving me full thread at the moment.

Gooseygoosey12345 · 03/02/2017 09:32

Well he is a massive cunt arse!!
Just want to add as well that it is up to his partner to look after the girls too. You don't choose to be with someone who has kids if you don't want to take any kind of responsibility for those kids. She also sounds like an arsehole! I'm so angry on your behalf. I think you've been really reasonable and I would struggle to do the same. Your girls obviously have a wonderful family life so I wouldn't worry about that idiot, they know the situation and they obviously know they're loved by the family that actively show this to them. Hope it all settles down for you!

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